To the last person who posted-the comment from the UVA professor was in response to the article Brian's dad wrote that was published in the Richmond Times-Dispatch in Dec, 2014. It is in the link section of this site-"The Cost of the Loss of In Loco Parentis".

It was not one of Brian's professors & the professor was relaying his experiences with students in response to the article regarding parents being notified by Universities/Colleges of students behaviors when they are harmful to the student.
Brian's death was an accidental overdose of heroin.

A young relative in Ocean City, Md recently told us they lost 7 friends (teen- early 20's) to heroin overdose in the last 2 years. Md. and several other states are trying to crack down on the heroin trafficking. The drug is easy to get and many times used in place of the prescription drug, oxycontin, which is more expensive. Brian told me a week before he died that the oxycontin he was given (the doctor handed him the prescription, not me) when he had his wisdom teeth out at age 19, was his first taste of heroin. He wouldn't return to that experience in the form of heroin until he was 21. He told me this because his sister was about to get her wisdom teeth out and he cautioned against her taking it or another narcotic. Maybe reading this site will help another parent &/or addict. Than's all we can hope.

We love and miss you Brian,
Mom & Dad

I don't mean to be insensitive so I'm sorry if that is how this sounds but I thought Brian died of an OD all these years. I read an entry recently that led me to believe that UVA thinks he committed suicide. Did I misunderstand that?

Note to readers:

We will be putting more articles and info on the links section of the site. One article was written recently by Brian's dad and one of the responses he received is from a professor at The University of Virginia, the school Brian proudly attended.

There is reference on this site to a University Student Health counselor having information that we strongly feel we would have acted on had we been notified (see post Nov.21,2006). The clinic file we obtained, 2 years after his death, starts with the first assessment containing an admission to the counselor by Brian to heavy drinking. Next appear a handful of other assessments in the following 3 1/2 years related to, a sore throat, a fever & getting a nicotine patch. The final assessment by the clinic nurse, when Brian sought help because of chest pain and an infection in a track mark on his arm, left us hollow when we read it- "Heroin addict".

This still did not illicit a call of concern to us from the Student Health Center, but Brian, now 21, did call us. He knew then that he was unable to "handle" the addictive behaviors anymore and he needed help. The reason given to us by the dean for why we were not notified about the incident that sent him to the Student Health the first time, an infraction of State law as well as University Policy, was that Brian, at barely18, was an adult. In recent news stories, depending on the reporters slant, 18-19 year olds have consistently been referred to as, "youth", or "teen". Which is it? They have characteristics of both, but not the life skills to manage everything. They need help when participating in dangerous behaviors.

We just would have liked a chance to intervene earlier than we did. Brian was able to hide addictive behaviors from us while there were others who saw them on a daily basis. Parents are clueless and the last to know sometimes. Any early intervention to halt addiction would have depended on him ultimately, but it would have given him a better chance to change his life's direction. It is not the only aspect of his addiction, but it is a large piece of the pie.

With the permission of the professor, and to leave on Brian's site something for parent's consideration, part of that response follows:

"I've enjoyed teaching at UVA for the past 27 years, and I think I can count on one or two hands the number of students who I felt might need some sort of intervention or help in dealing with a problem. I had one very fine young man commit suicide during a break, and to this day I wonder if there was something I might have done to be of help to him. I recall another student who was doing very well in one of my classes, and then she didn't show up for the final and received an F. She came to me and asked if she could take the course again, and I was delighted to have her back. She did even better, but when exam time came she once again didn't show up. Another F. My understanding is that she was then expelled for poor grades (I assume the no-show problem went beyond my class), and I often wonder what became of her. I've always suspected that she had some sort of external problem--drugs, booze, boyfriend, or perhaps a family problem at home. At no point did I fear either of these students were at serious risk of hurting themselves or others, so they really aren't relevant to your situation. I guess I mention them because I continue to think of both students often, and wonder whether I might have done something different that would have helped them. (I particularly think about the young man, as when I met with his mother when she came to pick up his things she told me he had often spoken of how much he enjoyed my class. He got a B+ in a very competitive group (mostly pre-law), but I've wondered if he expected an A and the lower grade contributed to some depression or other problem and was a factor in his decision. I think about it, I worry about it, but I realize I will never know. ...

So there may be a case for additional procedures or checks, but in principle I like the idea of allowing school officials to contact parents of students they believe are in over their heads and may endanger their own and/or another person's life if something beyond the competence of the school is not done.

Once again, please accept my profound sympathy over your tragic loss. As a parent of a college student, I can't even imagine the pain that would accompany such a loss."


We thank the professor for sharing and for the kind words, and also thank all who have read, shared memories, photos and condolences on, Brian's site.

And a special thanks to Andy Chung who retrieved Brian's last email and started this memorial site for him. Not only that, but he has maintained it for all this time and has been our technical guardian, something we say Brian must have willed to him! Andy, you have helped us with our technical lives, but more importantly, helped us and others, to heal and remember. God Bless you!


Here is the song Brian's sister wrote for him-

"ANGELS IN THE SKY "
words and music by Katelyn Christ
copyright 2006 kateONkeys

"Had some trouble sleeping,
so went off to close the door.
Medicated memories
left him lying on the floor.
Mom tried to nurse him back
but she choked on lifeless air.
We just hope,
he knew how much we care.

Winter tried to steal him,
froze a heart unthawed by love.
But he answered to
those choirs singing above.
Silver eyes went cloudy
to mourn his loss.
Buried with his grief,
he rose above,
with a silver cross.

Chorus
HIs body couldn't take
the way he would escape.
Chasing dragons in the night,
he held on for dear life.
But in defense of progress
he tried hard to change his life.
Taken young at heart.
He flies with angels in the sky,
Angels in the sky.

Wiser at twenty two
then most are when they meet end.
He left some hope for his family,
and a lesson for his friends.
Life is fragile
when it's clenched in God's fist.
But beyond the sky,
he found a life
he thought he'd missed.

Chorus
His body couldn't take
the way he would escape.
Chasing dragons in the night.
he held on for dear life.
But in defense of progress,
he tried hard to change his life.
Taken young at heart.
He flies with angels in the sky,
angels in the sky.

Time may mute the silent cry
let out that winter's night.
Because winter fades,
to welcome new spring lights.
But for those who wash his passing
in water of regret,
An ocean of old sorrow
washed away,
but how can we forget.

chorus

'cause Brian couldn't take,
the way he would escape.
Chasing dragons into the night,
he held on for dear life.
But in defense of progress,
he tried hard to change his life.
Taken young at heart.
He flies with angels in the sky,
angels in the sky."


We miss you Brian. Love always and forever,
Mom & Dad, Katelyn & Ashley

Ending the posting on Brian's website with these two prayers.

God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
(Rheinhold Niebuhr)

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.
(St Francis of Assisi)


Brian,
you are forever our son,
our brother,
& forever loved by us.
We relinquish our grief and pain to the Lord,
with whom you rest,
while joyfully preserving your memory in our hearts.
We Love you,
Mom & Dad,
Katelyn and Ashley

Brian, it's been 10 years and I still think of you every day.

Ismail, congratulations on the wedding in March! I know Brian will be right by your side as your best man.

To the Christ family, I'm happy to hear that you've been able to help so many others struggling with addiction. I know this time of the year is hard, and I'm thinking of you.

Love, Kate

Missing you as always on this day. It will be very odd not seeing you at my wedding in March but you are always in my thoughts. We still share stories about you, the antics we pulled, look at old pictures, whatever.

The "32 crew" is still around, we still see each other plenty and there will certainly be a toast to you on March 7th

RIP my friend

Brian it has been 10 years since you have left. I can say you would be very proud of both your sisters. They are doing well in their jobs & are moving forward in positive ways. Mom has made contacts with mothers that have suffered a loss and communicated with many others about your story. She has been told more than once that your website and your story have helped an at risk young persons life. I have taken a more activist role trying to protect the future of the younger generation which is a proxy for the future of the country. Writing economic articles and recently through petitions.

The circle of life has a beginning and an end. We all begin with a blank tape. We sustain dings and ups and downs and in the end we have memories and through our memories you are with us.

Love you, dad

Here are a few more photos of Brian to leave you with.



The songs are by Cindy Bullens who did a cd of songs related to her daughters death a few years ago.



Missing you Brian,

Love Mom

We would like to pass on some sites for anyone who is struggling, or knows someone struggling, with their addictions.
We know of a young girl in Georgia who was healed of her heroin addiction with the help of the Cenacolo Community listed below.

Here are some links to recovery sites-

www.Fathermartinsashley.org
Maryland Private Drug Addiction and Alcoholism Rehab Tr...
Maryland 147-acre private alcohol and drug addiction treatment rehab center. At Father Martin's Ashley our mission is to help the drug addict, alcoholic, chronic pain.
*****************************

Cenacolo Community brings radical cure for addiction
The Cenacolo Community was founded by Mother Elvira Petrozzi, an Italian nun, in 1983. What would a nun know about addictions? Mother Elvira experienced, first ...
View on www.cenacolouk.org

Hope Reborn: Comunità Cenacolo America - Contact Us

******************************
New Life - The New Life Live Show is America's #1 Christian Counseling Talk Show. Since 1985 New Life Live has been broadcasting as a nationally-syndicated, interactive talk radio program which deals with mental health, emotional, relational and spiritual issues from a biblical perspective.

*****************************

It's coming up on the 10th anniversary of Brian's death. We also want to pass along that at the end of this year we will no longer have this site open for posting. It will still remain open to view.

We've shared our sorrow and our joy. Sorrow over missing him and joy over having known him and had him with us for 22 years. We also have hope for his eternal life with God and this Faith has sustained us.

We try to live intentionally and do things in his memory and because of his memory.

We thank all who have supported us and shared in missing and remembering him with us.

And we thank Andy who has graciously kept this site going for ten years and given us a place to express and share our grief and love.

God Bless you all,
The Christ family

The Lord bless you and keep you,
The Lord make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you,
The Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace. The strongest of Angels.

Happy Birthday, Brian. It's hard to believe it has been ten years. So much has changed except that we still miss you. <3

10 years since we last celebrated your birthday together

Miss you

10 years since we last celebrated your birthday together

Miss you

Happy 32nd birthday, Brian. Still thinking of you every day.

I have always had a fascination with lions-beautiful, majestic animals. Here are some photos- one we took in the Serengeti of a mother lion and her cubs-a mother's protective love. The others are of us and our "cubs". (photos to follow soon)

Try as we may, we cannot protect our children in every instance. This is monumental in our thoughts about Brian. Of course he was on his own but the feeling still surfaces at times. You go back and try to figure out where you let your guard down, where you didn't teach or show what was necessary to thrive and survive. We did our best based on what we knew at the time.

I believe it's not us who ultimately protect, but God. We wonder why for some there is deliverance from harm and for others there is not deliverance. I have heard in that case there is the accompaniment of angels to strengthen us, during times of harm & even death, as when Jesus was tempted by satan in the wilderness, and during His agony in the Garden of Gethsemene before He was arrested and put to death. (Matthew 4; Luke 22). The Scriptures say that angels "ministered" to Him at both of those times, even though He could have summoned thousands of Angels if He willed, because He is fully human and fully God. He was not to be delivered but to go through the reason He became incarnate in the world-to take upon Himself our transgressions, die for them and lead us all to eternal life through His life, His death and His resurrection. He trampled death and there is the hope of His glory. There is also mystery for us, where faith must come, in not knowing why some are delivered and others not. I believe He gives those who follow Him, mercy, in the form of ministering angels to give strength to get through trials. Trials are for us to learn something and draw nearer to Him. Please don't take my word for this, read the Scriptures for yourselves.

Another lion reference is included is a description of a Monastery I visited on a Pilgrimage to Israel & The Holy Land with a group from our church in March. The reference is in relation to St. Gerasimus. His story is like the one I used to read to Brian from a children's book when he was little. I didn't know it had it's roots, most likely, from this Monastery. Something that may be of interest to some.

Monastery of St Gerasimus


"West Bank

Monastery of St Gerasimus (Bukvoed)

The Monastery of St Gerasimus, one of the earliest of the 70-plus monasteries in the Judaean desert, is named in honour of a pioneering monk who is usually depicted with a pet lion.
A verdant and welcoming oasis in the arid lower Jordan Valley, it is on the east side of highway 90 just north of the Beit-Ha’aravah junction, and about 7 kilometres southeast of Jericho.
Across the Jordan River is the place of Jesus’ baptism, Bethany Beyond the Jordan, but the two-storey monastery commemorates an earlier event in Jesus’ life.
According to an old tradition, the monastery was built where Mary, Joseph and the infant Jesus took shelter in a cave while fleeing from Herod the Great.
This event is commemorated in the ground-floor crypt beneath the monastery church. An icon illustrates the Flight of the Holy Family into Egypt and a large painting depicts a contented Jesus being nursed at the breast by his mother Mary.

Fresco of St Gerasimus with his lion (Bukvoed)
The upper-floor church contains many holy icons and frescoes, including paintings of Gerasimus and his lion. Cabinets in the crypt store the bones of monks killed during the Persian invasion of 614.

Hospitable place for pilgrims

A place of hospitality and refreshment for pilgrims, with fruit trees, flowers and birdsong, the monastery offers a contrast to the hot and barren environment of the Judaean wilderness.
Founded in the fifth century, it was originally dedicated to Our Lady of Kalamon (Greek for reeds), but was later renamed in honour of Gerasimus, who founded a nearby monastery that had been abandoned.
It was destroyed in 614, rebuilt by the Crusaders, abandoned after the Crusader period, restored in the 12th century, rebuilt in 1588, destroyed around 1734 andre-established in 1885.
In Arabic it is known as Deir Hajla, meaning the monastery of the partridge, a bird common to the area.

Cloister in Monastery of St Gerasimus (© Deror Avi)
The monastery functioned in the form of a laura — with a cluster of hermits’ caves located around a community and worship centre. The hermits spent weekdays alone in their caves, occupied in prayer and making ropes and baskets. They went to the centre for Saturdays and Sundays, taking their handiwork and partaking in Divine Liturgy and communal activities.
The monastic rule was strict. During the week the hermit monks survived on dry bread, dates and water. At the weekends they ate cooked food and drank wine. Their only personal belongings were a rush mat and a drinking bowl.
Hermits’ caves can still be seen in the steep cliffs a kilometre east of the monastery and in the adjacent mountains.

Gerasimus redeveloped monastic life

Like many who founded Judaean monasteries, Gerasimus (also spelt Gerassimos or Gerasimos) came from outside the Holy Land — from a wealthy family in Lycia, in present-day Turkey.
Already a monk when he came to Palestine, he followed the monastic leader Euthymius into the desert and became renowned for his piety and asceticism.
Because of the similarity of names, Gerasimus is sometimes confused with St Jerome, the Bible translator who lived in Bethlehem.
Gerasimus is credited with a new development in monastic life. Previously desert monks lived either in caves or in monasteries. He was the first to combine the solitude of a wilderness hermit with the communal aspect of a monastery by bringing hermits together on Saturdays and Sundays for worship and fellowship.

Upper part of iconostasis in monastery church (© Deror Avi)
He is believed to have attended the crucial Council of Chalcedon in 451, which caused a major rift in the Eastern Orthodox world.
Called to settle differences of opinion on the nature of Christ, the council declared that he has two natures in one Person as truly God and truly man. Gerasimus briefly opposed this declaration, then accepted it.
The lion depicted in icons of Gerasimus comes from a story that he found the animal wandering in the desert, suffering from a thorn embedded in a paw. The saint gently removed the thorn and tended to the wound.
The lion thereafter devoted himself to Gerasimus, serving him and the monastery and retrieving the monastery’s donkey when it was stolen by thieves.
The story has it that when Gerasimus died in 475 the lion lay on his grave and died of grief.

Administered by: Greek Orthodox Patriarchate of Jerusalem"

Another musing of mine Brian.
Hard to believe you would be 32 now. You were honorary groomsman recently in your friend's wedding. Nice to see you remembered in that way. There is not a day we do not remember you.
Love on your birthday and always,
Mom and Dad

Brian,
almost ten years later I miss you terribly and always will until I see you again. It seems that I was able to say goodbye to others who have left us- your grandfathers, grandmother, your aunts, even to our pets, but not to you. Having to say goodbye to someone in the face of death is heartbreaking. Not being able to, leaves so much painfully unsaid. That pain though is but a ripple compared to the wave of anguish from the death that is occurring in the world today.

The world is on fire, in chaos. This country has not fully awakened to that fact. Media lies to us by omitting facts and pushing leftist ideology, which wants the destruction of our country as we know it. People in Iraq and Syria & other parts of the world as well are losing their families, their property, their lives in horrific, evil ways.

Like the Armenian Death March in 1915, Christians especially are being tortured and killed. At that time, the Turkish sultans in the Ottoman Empire hated the Armenians for being Christian and suspected them of siding with the Russians. Hundreds of thousands were put to death under their rule. Then there came a very concerted effort to exterminate them all by The Young Turks, a small group of wealthy, western educated, young, calculating and vicious dictators. They took the killing to an evil systematic level. None of this is included in history classes today, nor when I was in school in the 70's.

First the intellectual Armenians were arrested, followed by confiscation of weapons, "deportation" of the Armenians and confiscation of their"abandoned" property. For deportation they were marched into what is now the Syrian desert, with no water, no food or provisions. If they survived they were either; burned in groups, being sealed in caves; gassed; given tetanus toxoid disguised as tetanus vaccine; or drowned in the Black Sea by the boatful. British pilots over head could see hair waving in the water below. Over 3 million were killed before the British and French attempted late in the game to stop the madness by dividing the Ottoman Empire into the boundaries that compromise the Middle East today. Even after Ataturk came into power and tried to modernize Turkey, (he himself being a Young Turk who pointed to others for the atrocities), the killing continued into 1922 with over 1 million Greeks being slaughtered (Smyrna). This is also the period of WWI.

Your grandfather living on a Greek Island ruled by the Turks at that time, saw many unspeakable things. He had to go to Istanbul for work at age 13 eventually being conscripted into the Turkish army in WWII. He worked as a maitre-d and was chosen by the Turkish Ambassador to work for him in that capacity, and that is how he came to the U.S. Your Dad wrote a book about him & that period called Breadcrumb.

The word 'genocide' was first used to describe the Armenian/Greek slaughters. Hitler pointed to no one caring about the Armenians and he praised the systematic approach used by the Turks to slaughter them. Of course we know what happened next. All of this happened not as a result of U.S. policy as the leaders in power today say, but because of longstanding hatred and desire for "ethnic cleansing".

The very same evil is occurring in the exact same tract of land today. It went on for centuries before as well. The magnitude of killing and people losing loved ones and watching them be tortured and die, is not imaginable.

Proverbs 8:33-36 New International Version (NIV)

33 Listen to my instruction and be wise;
do not disregard it.
34 Blessed are those who listen to me,
watching daily at my doors,
waiting at my doorway.
35 For those who find me find life
and receive favor from the Lord.
36 But those who fail to find me harm themselves;
all who hate me love death.”

True peace does not come from not fighting, but winning. The vanquished do not fight and, therefore, do not have peace on a solid foundation.

--St. Francis de Sales

Missing you Brian
Praying for those being martyred & displaced,
Love, Mom

Brian's friend Lizzy has written on this site. Her last post was in December. A few weeks ago we were at Brian's dad's 47th HS reunion at his friend's house located on a scenic lake. People who graduated from 1965-1968 showed up. There was a really good band playing that evening and it turns out it was Lizzy's dad's band. Her dad & Brian's were at Falls Church HS at the same time!

Awhile ago I posted about a song by Kris Kristopherson (6/18/07) that I heard on one of Brian's CD's and how listening to it made me feel. Lizzy posted back (7/24/07) that Brian had always requested that song from her dad's band when he heard them play in Arlington.

That evening at the reunion was really enjoyable for us. We felt closer that night to Brian, sitting by the water and enjoying some of the same music he used to enjoy. Things like that are priceless to us.

Love you & miss you Brian, Mom & Dad

FYI-I took the photos in last post in Tanzania.

Romans 8:18
" I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."


St Augustine of Hippo
"Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee."


Peace
"It does not mean to be in a place where there is not noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of these things and still be calm in your heart."


Thinking of you and missing you Brian,
Love Mom and Dad

In Jan 2009 (see post Jan 25, 2009) Brian's sister Katelyn and I did the WDW Marathon. We did it for Brian. There's a story. Although I got a medal I never finished the event. I, and the participants around me, were stopped into mile 22 by motorcycle police who pulled on the sidewalk wanting that last few hundred yards of highway, before re-entering Disney property, re-opened. We didn't have an orange flag telling us we were behind pace and the Disney people had just waved us on so we were confused when we saw our time remaining and we were stopped. One man was angry enough to go to an official at the finish line where we were bused. A few of us gave our names & phone numbers to the official. After that I made my way back to the hotel where Katelyn was resting. I got ready for us to go out to dinner to refuel and when I came out, found Katelyn crawling on her stomach on the floor to pick up something she had dropped! Quad muscles not working so well! We laughed so hard and I was estactic that I had gone as far as I had. She said I had a message on my cell phone. It was the Disney official saying the time had been checked on my computer chip on my shoe lace and they were awarding me the medal after all.

For four years I've wanted to finish that race. This year seemed to jump out at me so I signed up a little late for the January 12, 2014 WDW Marathon. With only12 weeks to countdown I started the work to decrease my minute/mile ratio from the required upper limit of 16 min mile to a 15 to 15.5 min mile which I would do run/walking. This time I wasn't doing it for Brian This time I was doing it because of him. His memory has spurred us all on to do more than we thought we could do.

I had a good start and running thru the Magic Kingdom, mile 6, I was at a 15min mile pace. We went the back road out of that area and mile 9 was completed on the Disney race track. The breezy cold morning was now sunny and getting hot. Miles 10-12 took us the back road again into and then through Animal Kingdom and since the sun was up and the parks open, crowds of people were cheering us on. Thank goodness for one man who yelled to us "You've almost completed a half-marathon!". At that instant I checked my timer watch that showed my official time and saw I had a chance to make it to 13.1 in the official completion time for a half marathon. That knowledge, coupled with the fact that the power aid/ hammer gel combination I had been taking in had started some cramping high in my stomach and that there was a lack of cups for passing us water, led to a quick decision to make a half-marathon my race. That's what I did, making it officially to that mark in 3hrs and 27 min., then going on to complete mile 14 for a ride to the finish line.I don't regret stopping and was thrilled to have done it in the time I had trained for. After the anticipation anxiety awaiting the race in the corral at 4am was over and we were on our way, it was great fun. No blisters, stiff for a few days and happy to have tried something out of my comfort zone. Oh one more thing. The people in the van with me on the way to the finish line were injured I think. They called ahead to the officials with our names & bib numbers. We got the medals anyway!! That's Disney for you. My prayer for the race was a passage from Habakkuk 3:19 -"The LORD God is my strength, and He will make my feet like hinds' feet, and He will make me to walk on my high places".

I mention the race because to sign up late as I did I needed to connect with one of the charity groups. I chose Covenant House of Florida an organization who feeds, clothes, houses, counsels and educates youth who are homeless. They also provide substance abuse intervention. With the donations brought in from those who participated in one of the 2014 WDW Marathon events, enough was raised to house and feed the kids in the facility for a month. Their motto is "Our strides in the streets today keep kids off the streets tonight".

Had that goofy penny you flattened in the coin machine in Disney World in my pocket Brian. Missing you, Love, Mom

Thinking of you Brian and remembering your smile and laugh..how kind you were. I wish you were still here. I remember the xmas after you died was full of nothing but sadness and tears. 9 years later and I still pause around this time and remember how horrible that grief was. It is easier now... and instead of pain I can focus on the happy times we had together.

Simply missing you Brian,
Love Mom and Dad

I remember going to see the butterflies (petaloudes) in Rhodes with Brian, and I still have this nice photo of him there:


/img/posts/thekatespanos.com/IMAGES/bac-petaloudes.jpg

Happy birthday, Brian! Still thinking of you.

Some lighter memories of Brian today on his Birthday.

I saw the Flight of the Butterflies movie at the Smithsonian IMAX Theatre and thought of Brian. The movie details and illustrates the navigation of the Monarchs and how the curiosity of a ten year old boy who became a scientist and made it his lifelong quest to find out where the Monarchs went in the winter, led to just that.

Through the years he enlisted the help of others who volunteered, tagging butterfly wings and calling in locations where they were spotted. When he almost gave up after thinking they were all headed to Texas and not finding any there, a couple in Mexico notified him after learning of his work & after spotting a large number in a forest. For two years they searched for and discovered the location to which the Monarchs migrated. The scientist made the journey to see the millions of butterflies with his wife when he was quite old thinking this was nice to see, but it didn't prove they had migrated there. Sitting on a log to rest he looked down by his boot and on the ground on the wing of a fallen butterfly was one of his tags.

The story was fascinating and marvelous. It showed the beauty of the perseverance in realizing a dream, and that of creation. The Monarch's navigational ability is unbelievably intricate. P5397 was the number on the tag of the Monarch's wing that was found in the Mountains in Mexico that proved the Migrational Path of the butterflies. I think Brian would have liked this story. He loved science and the outdoors.

I remember on his trip to Greece with Kate they experienced the Valley of the Butterflies on the island of Rhodes. He made a point of telling me about it. He also loved the lushness of Costa Rica. I still have the butterfly bush, we purchased from his elementary school in 4th grade, in the backyard making sure to plant other flowers that attract them as well. In grade school he especially liked going to the Natural History Museum to the Bug Exhibit, handling the tarantulas, and large cockroaches without flinching a bit. We went to the first Earth Day Celebration on the Mall in D.C. when he was about ten.

I recently read a story, Proof of Heaven, by a Neurosurgeon, Dr. Eben Alexander, from Lynchburg, VA. He was a scientist who did not believe in heaven, life after death experiences, angels etc., thinking they were only imagery from mechanisms in the brain, until he had a illness that shut down that very part of the brain.

" Before he underwent his journey, he could not reconcile his knowledge of neuroscience with any belief in heaven, God, or the soul. Today Alexander is a doctor who believes that true health can be achieved only when we realize that God and the soul are real and that death is not the end of personal existence but only a transition. "

His experience when in a seven day coma with his cortex completely shut down, and chances of survival next to none, included journeying with an angel & realizing they were traveling on the wing of a butterfly! After having read his account, what struck me in the IMAX movie was the first line the narrator speaks (the supposed voice of the scientist who unravels the mystery of the migration) was something about all of DNA existing in the wings of butterflies. Not an exact quote.

When we were in Tanzania at Oldapai Gorge, the discovery site of the Zinjanthropus skull by the Leakey's, we were told the area was brought to the Leakey's attention by a scientist looking for butterflies. In the movie the couple in Mexico who helped with the discovery, getting closer to finding the resting place of the Monarchs, observed a large group of them at a festival of the dead in early November, which was laden with many flowers. The folk lore is that the butterflies are the returning souls of the children who had died. All kind of interesting.

An early dream I had after Brian passed had me sitting at a table with 3 other people. It had a linen table cloth and nice place settings. A beautiful emerald green and blue butterfly was flying all around the table and me and I told those I was with in amazement but with assurance, "That's Brian". I've heard a lot of grieving mother's stories about butterfly experiences, some pretty remarkable. Whatever they are or represent, they are beautiful creatures and this movie is worth seeing.

I miss talking to you Brian, Love Mom

Sometimes there are light and even funny remembrances of Brian but this time is not one of them.
I was reading another mother's blog about her son who was an addict. He asked her for help. No one wants to live that lifestyle. In moments of sobriety it may be clear the wrong path has been taken, but addiction (to whatever) has an evil, strong pull. She described viewing her son in his hospital bed, having sustained severe physical trauma after he had used drugs, which resulted in his death. It was gut wrenching to read her story.

I realized that only a mother could stand at the bedside and look at their child torn and disfigured. In the claws of imminent death or having already passed. In the case of drug related death, having veered so far away from what you wanted for them yet , the essence of their person, who they really were is what a mother sees and loves and holds on to, making sure it be presented after they are gone. Only a mother can see past the destruction to her child's "being".

But Isn't this the way God deals with us? A merciful God who does not inflict these things upon us, but gives us free will to chose. We all with something we idolize, veer far from what God wants for us, far from Him. Like in the parable of the Prodigal Son, Luke 15:11-32, He welcomes us back to Him. He doesn't need us, we find we need Him. He knows our hearts, our essence.

Luke 15:10 "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

(repent~ "a change of mind accompanied by regret and change of conduct, "change of mind and heart", or, "change of consciousness")

After almost nine years I felt the need to get Brian's emergency room records. I was in a state of suspended reality when I did CPR on him and then watched them carry him out our front door on a stretcher, strapped in & covered to his neck with a white sheet. I was screaming to God hysterically, "No, no, no God no, don't take him". Being held up, and back by one of the paramedics, I thought I heard one of them say they had a pulse. So in the car as we chased the ambulance we had a glimmer of hope. When we were taken to the ER room where they were working on him, he was lying with only his shorts on , intubated, connected to IVs and electrodes. They were pounding on his chest and shocking him. I held on to his foot in between the shocks. I stood at the foot of the stretcher, knowing what was happening as a nurse, but not believing it was happening as his mother. They stopped and looked at me and said they could do no more. Brian's dad and sister had been given chairs to sit because they were so distraught as they looked on, as was I but I had to be near him. I didn't want to leave him. They ushered us out into a hall and I fell up against a wall shaking and crying as I watched staff pass us by. I never knew if they had ever had a pulse. I couldn't remember if Brian was cold or warm, if he was cyanotic or not at the house when we found him. Here I'm a nurse, but I just couldn't remember. It didn't matter then. What mattered was "him", the essence of who he was to us. What I wanted to hold onto and love. His body I looked past. I just wanted "him" back.

The records I just obtained indicated no, there was no pulse and that we had found him already gone. It didn't offer any kind of consolation merely another fact that I was ready to add to the others we've compiled.

I have talked with many mothers now who have lost their children and it does not get easier to live without them, only easier to comprehend the factual part of things. And easier and almost a necessity to reach out to others in similar situations. God comforts us to comfort others.

On September 16th this year and every year, Brian's birthday, we thank God for having Brian in our lives & for the blessings and joy he gave us.

We love you and miss you Brian. Mom & Dad

Thinking of Brian today from Kentucky. His precious mother, Lee Ann sent me the most beautiful card and had the address for this website at the end of her note. I've just spent the past hour reading through the many entries. Although I never knew Brian on this physical earth, I do feel like I know his heart and soul from all these comments.

Lee Ann told me about their trip to Tanzania in her note. I was thrilled to read more about it in this blog. I know Brian made that trip with his family. He is free now to be with everyone he knew and loved and he waits for that blessed reunion.

Love,

Rosemary Smith
www.childrenofdome.com
www.spacebetweenbreaths.com

Just thinking of Brian this afternoon and decided to stop by. Good to see activity here, and yes, I am still a mongoloid:-)

Many blessings to the Christ and Madni family!

I put a rose on my own Mother's grave today. Arlington Cemetery removes flowers quickly so one rose was sentimentally placed on top of the headstone . The contrast of the red and the stark white stone was stricking. My only regret, there was no fragrance. That distinctively sweet aroma that is lost in most of today's hybrids. If anyone has the chance or the whim to, I' ve read that a rose's scent (while still un cut) is most potent at around 1am. That is when they petals are harvested in France for making perfume. That is just something Brian would have balked at when he heard it, then he would have told me if it was true or not because he would have gone and found out. He seemed to have a tough exterior sometimes but had a heart of gold.

I didn't go to Brian's grave today. I don't as much as I did. I don't think of him as there. Though I still as his Mother want to take care of and visit the sight. A poem I love from Streams in The Desert, a devotional my Mother gave me, expresses how I think about him now, on the "other side".

****
E'en for the dead I will not bind my soul to grief.
Death cannot long divide.
For is it not as if the rose that climbed my garden wall
has blossomed on the other side?
Death does hide, but not divide.
You are but on Christ's other side!
You are with Christ, and Christ with me.
In Christ united still are we.
****
I miss you so much Brian & will Love you always, Mom

The author of the book below, is the Priest who met & spoke with Brian for about four hours, not long after he had returned home from Hazelden. I had listened to Fr. Stone's story on a tape given to me by a family friend, and was amazed & filled with hope after hearing about his miraculous recovery from a life of drugs and crime. I asked the friend if he would make a request to Father Stone to speak to Brian. On a trip east, Fr. Stone graciously did that, and I believe it helped Brian's soul, even though his body succumbed to his addiction.

A favorite passage that speaks to me here is Romans 8:38-39
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I recently came across the tape and decided to see if I could get a CD of the story. I found this description of his book and wanted to share it with anyone who would be interested in hearing this amazing story.

We are so grateful to Fr. Stone for his help to Brian & us. Brian listened to him because he had been in his shoes. He gave Brian hope. Maybe this will give someone else hope. Praise God.
Love and miss you Brian, Mom

********
Date with Divine Destiny
by Fr. Ron Stone

"How far can a person turn from God before there is "no turning back"? Can God really heal addictions and totally transform lives by grace alone? What must a fallen-away believer do to get back on track and strive after holiness?
God's Powerful Intervention
In this incredible new four-CD (or tape) series, Date with Divine Destiny, you'll encounter the reversion story of a young man who literally came within centimeters of committing suicide - yet was miraculously spared. He readily admits that his life consisted of "drugs, thugs and violence." If not for God's intervention, Ron Stone would have died from a drug overdose - just another sad statistic in a police report. Now, you'll journey with Father Stone on his unbelievable odyssey of faith from a drug rehab center to the altar of God. Prepare to be amazed as you witness how the Lord "writes straight with crooked lines."
God's Omnipotence at Work
You'll be encouraged and inspired as this former bodybuilder candidly shares how Christ healed him of a terrible drug addiction and eventually led him back to his childhood Catholic Faith through the Holy Rosary. Despite periodic relapses and constant interior struggles, this young man eventually entered the seminary even though he did not have a bishop to sponsor him! But, you'll discover how our Heavenly Mother took Ron by the hand and gradually began to transform his soul into the image and likeness of her Divine Son.
Reversion, Consecration, Revelation
Date with Divine Destiny will reaffirm your belief in God's omnipotence - and the Blessed Virgin Mary's maternal care and concern for every Christian. This digitally recorded four CD (or tape) set will inspire you as never before. In addition to Father's conversion story, you will also get his talk on Marian consecration and a two-part presentation on the Book of Revelation. Get ready to reach new heights of sanctity by listening to these unforgettable talks. This is the type of message you will listen to again and again and want to share with others. Purchase a set for yourself and another for family and friends."

Brian gave me The Tao of Pooh book as a gift the year before he died, so when I saw this "conversation" on a picture frame, it reminded me of him.

"We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh? " asked Piglet.
"Even longer: Pooh answered.

Love you forever Brian. Mom

"*******
O'Connell Mom, I wonder if you feel comfortable emailing me (bottom of page). I would like to talk with you. Thanks for your support on the site. If anyone would like to email me related to this site please feel free to do so.
Lee Ann

Brian told me his mind raced all the time. He also said he prayed but didn't know if it got through. I've heard when we don't know what to say or how to pray the Holy Spirit aides us. I saw this from the daily readings I get from out church and it reminded me of him and really of me too.

From- www.saintsophiadc.com
The daily meditation blog

"January 23rd, 2013
Make Me Feel Your Presence. Years without Prayer.

Make me feel Your presence

Lord, I have to tell You that prayer is a problem for me. How should I collect my spirit, which is split and squandered in a thousand pieces? How should I concentrate; how can I close off from all around me and within me each entrance from the outside world, appearances, and sensations?

My mind buzzes like a beehive. My ears are bombarded by a million noises. In my eyes images and pictures flash constantly one after the next. And when I close my eyes, my imagination composes and presents me with a sight of many colors.

How should I restrain all of these things, so that I can focus my being and its senses in prayer?

When I speak with someone else, God, I don’t need to make a huge endeavor at self concentration. The other person’s presence is felt absolutely. I see him, I hear him, and I hold his hand.

But You, God, I don’t see You. You are invisible, inaccessible to our sense of vision. Nor can I apprehend You by my hearing. My five senses betray me. How, then, should I fix my attention on Your face?

They say the only approach to this is through faith. But my own faith is weak and pallid.

Do You see then, God, how hard this attempt is for me? That’s why I dare ask You for forgiveness, if so often, for allotting so short a time for prayer, and even then in that time my mind races incessantly here and there, while my soul is besieged by and yields to a whole crowd of things that are completely foreign to prayer.

Empower my faith, O mighty God. Grant me the great gift of feeling Your Presence at the time of prayer.Show Your face to Your servant (Psalms 30:17). Then, I know, the confusion in my thoughts will cease and will stop running toward external things. My soul will be in the clear and beyond any fogginess; its eye will meet the light of Your face, and will be captivated by it.

Oh, that You would have given me this gift! How much more I would have been able to love You then. And how much better would I have prayed….

Years without prayer

How could I do such a thing! God, how could I have been so wrong? For so many years to pass without praying?

A life full of storms and feverish moments without the breath of Your contact!

A road fraught with traps, running alongside bottomless pits, beneath tempests, without seeking Your assistance! What folly this was!

I had forgotten You, Lord. I had forgotten my source, my Life. I lived as one having no hope in the world (Ephesians 2:12)? Day by day the human submitted within me. I saw that I was changing into a machine, whenever I did not become an animal. Horrible!

But You felt compassion for me, O Tireless Hunter after souls. You suddenly lit certain brilliant lights in the darkness. I saw.

I perceived that without You everything is futile and loathsome. Suddenly the value and meaning of prayer was revealed to me. Your godly hands parted the ash and mud that covered my heart. You found the spark. You blew on it to fan it. Your breath transformed the spark into a flame.

The fire burns again bright inside me. I thank You.

But the road is long. I still can’t pray, my God. I feel tongue-tied. My lips are sealed. I try, but I need Your help.

Stretch out Your hand one more time. Touch my lips. Break the seals, and prayer will gush out like a river from my mouth that until now did not know how to hold the best words for You.

My God, make me a prayerful person. Connect me through prayer with my eternal well.

~Taken from Speaking to God, by His Eminence Archbishop Demetrios, Primate of the Greek Orthodox Church in America. Speaking to God was originally published in Greek in 1960 by the Christian Student Union, Athens, Greece, and is now available in English."

We are so sad to lose a friend like your Dad, Ismail. Your family was Brian's second family. We will miss him dearly. We are blessed to be a part of your families life. And yes, in the world yet to come for the rest of us, we hope there are already some reunions going on.

My father passed on New Years day. He is up there with you now.

Dad really loved you and was devastated by your loss in 2004. I hope you and he have a wonderful reunion in heaven

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences in Africa. It is strange how we can find our children in so many different places (in our hearts). Brian, like Young Jim, will never be forgotten. I love the way your explained Brian's symbol. Jim's is a Pegasus because he, like the horse now have wings.
The precious children in CT are remembered in our prayers, and especially their parents.

Dinah Taylor,
A fellow traveler

It has been eight years & we remember Brian with loving, happy memories amidst the heartache of his absence.

It's hard though to even write today because of the tragedy of the horrific loss of life yesterday in Connecticut.

The first thing I thought when I woke up today was "Dear God, it's real". The same thought we've faced every morning since we lost Brian- the reality every parent faces who has lost a child. That intensity fades but never goes away.

It hard to be faithful in this world but when I was facing the darkness of living without Brian, faith in God's ability to turn evil into good and His love for us is what lit my way. It's up to us to carry on His good.

"The way to God lies through love of other people and there is no other way. At the last Judgment I shall not be asked if I was successful in my ascetic exercises or how many prostrations I made in the course of my prayers. I shall be asked did I feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the sick and the prisoners: that is all I shall be asked".
by St. Maria Skobtsova of Paris

VERITAS UNITAS CARITAS
TRUTH, UNITY, LOVE

Brian had a tattoo on his upper arm. It was a cross with the words Veritas horizontally and Unitas vertically. I had only seen it a few times as he only had it a few months before he died, but was starkly reminded of it as it was used for identification on the coroners report.

My heart goes out to the parents who will now have a copy of that certificate for their children.

I heard this on a radio show yesterday- "If you pray, pray and if you don't, it's a good time to start".

We love you Brian

8 years without you. The worst morning of my life.

Life just hasn't been the same

We just got back from a safari to Tanzania. It is something I have wanted to do since I was a child-going to Africa (remember Daktari?!). Katelyn found the trip. I jumped at the chance to go and Tony wanted to go too. Thank goodness because it was something we all needed to experience together. Ashley couldn't take off b/c her entire hospital system was changing their computer system and no one could take off until after Jan.! At any rate I knew if I didn't do this now I may never do it. "Just do it Mom!" was something Brian said to me a number of times when I would muse about doing something for too long.

I felt Brian's presence with us. It is absolutely something he would have done. He definetly would have climbed Mt Killamanjaro. We took his compass along that we ended up happily bestowing to our guide who was thrilled, and we also took along Brian's flashlight, whistle and backpack.

We met people from the Massai tribe, visited a school and met the children, stayed in a tented camp in the Serengeti, went to Ngorongoro Caldera (crater) one of the 7 natural wonders of the world. We saw many animals and experienced animal behaviors while out on the safari drives, including lions stalking and chasing zebras at water hole, elephants chasing lions away from their kill at a river & a leopard pulling it's prey up on a tree branch for herself and her cub.

We even had lions right outside our tent one night from 8:30 pm till 4:30 am making sounds I will never forget!! Very un-nerving!! The tents were sturdy canvas but a lion could have easily ripped through it I am sure! We were told that the wildlife would not bother us while in them because they had no interest in them or understanding of what they were, and that we'd be fine unless we came out to encounter the animals face to face. We were instructed to zip up and not come out till morning, when the guides would be there to meet us. Katelyn was in the tent next to us and she, like us, stayed motionless all night fearing making any noise. It was exciting , only after it was over the next morning!

The tents which we were in for 4 nights in the Serengeti had beds, a changing room, showers and a toilet inside so they were not pup tents & there were torches lit outside each one-but still!!! The other nights we were in cabins and lodge rooms.

When I went to a Kentucky conference for bereaved parents about 4 years ago, the parents picked a symbol for their child. I picked a giraffe for Brian's. On our trip we saw so many beautiful giraffes. They have such a graceful and peaceful presence. Here's an excerpt from Brian's site when I wrote about the conference-

"I chose a giraffe because the long neck represents spiritual forsight, they are very curious, and can defend themselves with one quick blow from their hooves.- Brian was very curious and bright all through childhood, introspective and thoughtful in his thinking, and held a blackbelt in tae kwon do. When he was little he was peaking out through his blinds. When I asked him what he was doing he said "there might be a giraffe looking in!" I got him a little giraffe that he carried with him to college. I guess he was facing his fears."

I guess we faced some fears too with the lions!

I know Brian would've loved that we did this. When he was in fourth grade he and I were reading a book -that I took along on the trip but never had time to read- called Allen Quatermain by H. Rider Haggard. It is an adventure story into the center of Africa (Tanzania?). Three men and their guide on a perilous journey of discovery. Brian and I left the book unfinished. I feel like I finished it with my own journey.

Just one more way Brian lives in our hearts and our lives.

Love and miss you Brian, Mom

Brian

He had an extraordinary intellect

And a wonderful sense of humor

He was kind, and trustworthy

What a good friend he was

The plaque on Brian's grave holds the words of The Psalmist David who speaks with trust and confidence of God's walk with him. It offers comfort to the reader.

PSALM 23

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell[a] in the house of the Lord
Forever.

We miss you so much Brian. Love you always, Mom & Dad

Happy 30th birthday, Brian! Thinking of you.

Happy 30th birthday Brian, we miss you. Tonight would have been an epic night of celebrating past accomplishments and future dreams

Please know that there are many of us that think of Brian often. We will never forget him! I appreciate what y'all have done or try to do in regards to universities contacting parents when a student's life is in danger. At the very least, I too believe a student entering a university should have the option to sign a release allowing the university to release any and all information to a parent upon request or if a student's behavior breaks the rules, breaks the law or endangers himself or others. It's common sense right? We almost lost our son as well in 2005 because the university couldn't disclose his problems to us despite our suspicions and inquiries. "Brian" could have been any of our children in the past, present and future & we need do any and all things to prevent losing even one more precious child- which includes the universities taking measures to protect them if agreed by the student and family. God bless all of you!

O'Connell Mom (my son graduated with Brian and spoke highly of him)

I remember every time I saw you you would crack jokes and make me smile, you are truly an amazing person and I miss you dearly, Brian you made a big difference in my life and many others, I will never forget you or your wonderful inspirational personality.

From Saint Sophia daily meditations
www.saintsophiadc.com


Where Mourning and Dancing Touch Each Other

May 25th, 2012
“There is a time for mourning, a time for dancing” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). But mourning and dancing are never fully separated. Their times do not necessarily follow each other. In fact, their times may become one time. Mourning may turn into dancing and dancing into mourning without showing a clear point where one ends and the other starts.

Often our grief allows us to choreograph our dance while our dance creates the space for our grief. We lose a beloved friend, and in the midst of our tears we discover an unknown joy. We celebrate a success, and in the midst of the party we feel deep sadness. Mourning and dancing, grief and laughter, sadness and gladness—they belong together as the sad-faced clown and the happy-faced clown, who make us both cry and laugh. Let’s trust that the beauty of our lives becomes visible where mourning and dancing touch each other.

The Autumn of Life

The autumn leaves can dazzle us with their magnified colors: deep red, purple, yellow, gold, bronze, in countless variations and combinations. Then, shortly after having shown their unspeakable beauty, they fall to the ground and die. The barren trees remind us that winter is near. Likewise, the autumn of life has the potential to be very colorful: wisdom, humor, care, patience, and joy may bloom splendidly just before we die.

As we look at the barren trees and remember those who have died, let us be grateful for the beauty we saw in them and wait hopefully for a new spring.

Smiles Breaking Through Tears

Dying is a gradual diminishing and final vanishing over the horizon of life. When we watch a sailboat leaving port and moving toward the horizon, it becomes smaller and smaller until we can no longer see it. But we must trust that someone is standing on a faraway shore seeing that same sailboat become larger and larger until it reaches its new harbor. Death is a painful loss. When we return to our homes after a burial, our hearts are in grief. But when we think about the One standing at the other shore eagerly waiting to welcome our beloved friend into a new home, a smile can break through our tears.

Travelling with the Eyes of God

Traveling—seeing new sights, hearing new music, and meeting new people—is exciting and exhilarating. But when we have no home to return to where someone will ask us, “How was your trip?” we might be less eager to go. Traveling is joyful when we travel with the eyes and ears of those who love us, who want to see our slides and hear our stories.

This is what life is about. It is being sent on a trip by a loving God, who is waiting at home for our return and is eager to watch the slides we took and hear about the friends we made. When we travel with the eyes and ears of the God who sent us, we will see wonderful sights, hear wonderful sounds, meet wonderful people . . . and be happy to return home.

~From Henri J.M. Nouwen, Bread for the Journey: A Daybook of Wisdom and Faith

"As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 66:13

I don't want Brian in my heart. I want him here. I don't want to have a memorial website for him. I want a photo album showing his life's journey. I want to see his grin, hear his laugh, experience his "Mom, really?" look.

So many times I have seen Brian look a likes. Someone with a dark blonde buzz haircut, kakhi shorts, tee shirt & sandals, feet pointing outward, walks by with a wide glide, swinging their arms, and my heart skips a beat & I want to call out to them, stop the car and run to them. But it's a mirage. The connection is not real. The incongruity of Brian being gone is ever present & that is what is cognitively real.

If you let your mind rest on cold reality too long you risk going to a dark place. And if you let yourself go there you will become an empty vessel with nothing to give. Two quotes I like from a book on grieving the death of a child are, "My child's gone; I'm still here. My job is to figure out my purpose now ." And, "If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing."
You can't do that if you are "empty".

Our reality is not the whole truth. It is not all of which God has in store for us, or for our loved one who has departed.

I have alluded to what follows before in my posts but will speak to it more now.

At Brian's funeral I sat motionless, gripping my husband's (Brian's dad's) arm. Both in support and to support. I was deadly empty inside. I was still. As still as I had ever been in my life. An empty vessel waiting to be filled. I heard nothing but when our priest said "Don't worry Lee Ann and Tony, you will see him again...It is not just life after death but love after death that awaits us."

At that moment I felt a drop of water fall on my forehead and flow down the left side of my cheek, landing on my suit and making a water mark over my heart. I looked up and saw the half-dome above the altar with the Icon (that which bears witness to the reality of God's kingdom on earth) of Theotokos (Mother of God) with Christ as a child. Was it a tear from heaven? I was amazed and I felt an overwhelming sense of well being for Brian and for me, and pure, amazing AGAPE love that I know was the Holy Spirit of God. When I spoke to a priest about it 5 years later, he said not to be mechanical in trying to figure it out. Later I learned that the dome in Orthodox Church Architecture symbolizes Christ's uniting of heaven and earth.

If you don't understand the Holy Trinity I heard a very simplistic analogy that could help those who can't see how three can be one.
The Father is like the sun. Christ is like the rays of the sun. And the Holy Spirit is like the warmth of the sun. That is what I felt that day. Later in the weeks following Brian's death I was to have times of weeping and "falling on my face" before God. I was in deep grief but I also was experiencing some "illumination" as to the way God saw me, and I wept at the realization that He loved me anyway. Which in turn made me want to forgive and love as He loves me. It was/is so amazing & powerful I wanted to share it with everyone. And wanted to obey (to pay close attention to) God because of that sacrificial love, not to earn His love.

Until that time as a Christian, baptized & raised as a protestant, but attending the Orthodox church since marriage, I had said & heard the words "To The Father & To the Son & To the Holy Spirit" so many times. Yet it had not yet registered to me what I was actually saying/hearing. It was "mechanical". I was Christian in practice/legalistically, but not in my heart. At that moment I "understood". I experienced The Comforter-The Holy Spirit. It held me up and has held me up ever since. To say I experienced Joy at my son's funeral would have many perplexed. It was the joy of knowing that God is real & living and his reality trumps ours. To stay in a dark & empty place would be to limit His power and to disbelieve His promises.

Truth and Promises like these in John 14: 19-31
Indwelling of the Father and the Son

19 “A little while longer and the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you will live also. 20 At that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you in Me, and I in you. 21 He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.”
22 Judas (not Iscariot) said to Him, “Lord, how is it that You will manifest Yourself to us, and not to the world?”
23 Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him.24 He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine but the Father’s who sent Me.
The Gift of His Peace

25 “These things I have spoken to you while being present with you. 26 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. 28 You have heard Me say to you, ‘I am going away and coming back to you.’ If you loved Me, you would rejoice because I said,[e] ‘I am going to the Father,’ for My Father is greater than I.
29 “And now I have told you before it comes, that when it does come to pass, you may believe. 30 I will no longer talk much with you, for the ruler of this world is coming, and he has nothing in Me. 31 But that the world may know that I love the Father, and as the Father gave Me commandment, so I do. Arise, let us go from here."


On this Mother's day and always Brian, I have peace from our Lord that you are in a place of repose and that I will, with His mercy and grace see you again. I love you, Mom

"I loved the boy with the utmost love of which my soul is capable of
and he is taken from me - yet in the agony of my spirit in
surrendering such a treasure, I feel a thousand times richer
than if I had never possessed it." -William Wordsworth



Thinking of you & missing you Brian,
Love Mom

To Dec. 15th annnymous,

If you are standing looking out across the lawn from the main building at the cemetery, Brian's grave site is to the far left (more across from the side parking lot) and on the right side of a row of bushes, close to the outside road. It has a white bench so it is easy to spot from the main building, and from the road. There is only one other bench in that area and that one is directly in front of the building.
I hope that helps anyone who has been trying to locate his grave site.

The other day I was sweeping the kitchen. It dawned on me that I was in the spot where Brian and I had our last conversation. The moment passed as many like it do. I did not break down but contemplated in inner silence. That "dawning" has happened before in many different ways & in many different places over these last seven years.

I can be in the room where he passed out of this life and not think about it for awhile. That is God's grace. Eventually it surfaces and of course I remember, but it is only him I focus on.

I drive by the little house off of rt 50 nestled in some trees, the Doctor's office of his first pediatrician Dr T, and I remember "little" Brian" who bundled up in his coat and scarf, was happy to be there and never too sick to build with the blocks or do a puzzle. Dr. T was Japanese. He greeted and left his patients with a bow that Brian liked to return. Later he loved bonzai plants which he may have first seen there in that office.

Near his own 30th birthday, his best friend Ismail came over for dinner and I was reminded of "older" Brian. The Brian who walked side by side with his friend since they were 5 & 6. The Brian who would have been 29 and who would have been grinning and joking and enthusiastically sharing in his friend's success and all he had to tell. And maybe a wise crack or two.

Tonight at the cemetery his best friends Ismail and Dimitri joined us. It was so great to hear them talk about their lives and it seems that Brian is & will always be a part of them. Hearing their stories and memories was heartwarming. As they spoke, a part of Brian showed up in their love for him. I think when we no longer have a loved one with us we are partial to many things they said or did and repeat them in our own speech and/or actions. Once acknowledged it brings strong images of that person. I don't know how many of my Mother's sweet southern sayings have slipped from my lips since she passed in March of this year. Gems like; "Well low and behold","Well I declare","Sugar","Honey","Darlin" "Do tell", "Like a bat out of hell", " a smidgen", "a swallow", and my favorite "You'll get your reward in Heaven". "Did I just say that!" I would muse. In fact the second line of this post includes one of her sayings and I just realized it. The point being,the image of those we love is so ingrained in us that the love we felt for them & vice versa is bound to come out in our lives, "I reckon". In Brian's friend's tonight, it showed up in the mention of a restaurant they chose to dine in recently or the grins that came over their faces as they talked.

Earlier today at an appointment, Brian's dad & I felt together, that the Doctor really reminded us of him. He was 30ish, contemplative, intelligent and quick witted, on top of physically resembling him. There are many who have reminded me of how he may have been had he lived, and the first reaction is to tell them, but I don't. Just a silent remembrance and smile, or sometimes a tear. It is bitter-sweet.

I still go to the homeless shelter, that Brian had poignantly pointed me in the direction of, to donate needed items. I will see young men who could also have resembled the way Brian could have been had he lived. Drug addiction and it's fallout,left unchecked, is a big reason for homelessness. We don't know what would have happened.

When I do get overwhelmed with the loss of Brian and tears are brimming, sometimes pouring, it seems our two dogs are right there to comfort and put their heads in my lap or just stay next to me. I realize that they did not "know" him but they seem to sense the great distress it causes me to not have him here. And that reminds me of all the things/people we will experience without him. Our lives go on and they must. But the essence of who Brian was is what shines in my heart.

He is our son. He is God's child. I pray, as the Orthodox Christians do, for the repose of his soul and for the eternal life of the ages to come. We are here but by the Grace of God and I remember that always & give thanks to Him.

We love and miss you Brian! Mom

Below is a link to "Peace on Earth" a Christmas song/video by Casting Crowns. Also a comment made about it.

"I heard on the radio that this was originally a poem by Longfellow, written during the Civil War and not long after his wife had been killed and his son grievously wounded, plus their house had burned. He wrote the poem and this newer version of the tune is most beautiful. He's almost in despair, but knows peace and good wlll to men will come. Those bells keep ringging. I never cared for the old tune especially,but this is certain to be an established favorite for years to come. Well done!"

Still thinking about great times on the trail buddy. Miss you man

not here, so have another beer.

Brian,

still have great memories of our friendship especially beach week 2000 and adventures at uva that first year. miss you, your kindness and smile. think about you always.

Went to the cemetary to feed the geese. I looked for your burial site but was not able to locate it. I wasn't able to be there on that day but will never forget the memories I had with your family. RIP Brian.

Thinking of you on this night as always.

Thinking about our youth, the energy we had. Thinking about what we would have accomplished together in our 20s, and now in our 30s.

Thinking about this night 7 years ago

Rest in peace Brian, missing you as always

For some reason, i've been thinking a lot about Brian today. So I thought I would just leave a note. Miss you buddy.

email from a friend*****

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God!

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet

is fighting some kind of battle."


Missing you Brian. Keeping you close in my heart.
Love, Mom

happpy birthday <3

I'm sure Brian would have had big plans for the last year of his 20s, even though he would act like he didn't care that he was turning 30. I will have a beer for him tonight!

Happy 29th Brian! I can only wonder the amazing things we would have done together in our 20s!

It's been almost seven years we are all still here. Your sisters are doing amazingly! mom and I are workinghard, together. You would be proud of us.

Your friends still talk about you and miss you. Your sisters still look up to you and adore you. Moom and I we are here together.

We love you, from everyone

Mom and Dad

I heard a song that i have heard a million times before but never really LISTENED to it, and as cliche as the song is, it made me think of you. Crazy that its just a few days before your birthday!

I have had an overwhelming sense of my own mortality recently, and cant stop thinking of those i lost and those that will mourn me when i am gone. I think it has soemthing to do with becoming a father recently and me wanting to make sure she will always be taken care of in the event of my passing and the fact that i never did get around to kicking our Marlboro habits since high school and have a nasty cough now. I need to quit!

RIP Buddy! What i wouldnt give for one more pep talk!

How to Save a Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

I saw Brian's grave today for the first time since his funeral. I laughed out loud when I saw the pack of Marlboro Red's that somebody left. That was funny and it lightened the mood for my visit. The plaque and the bench are so nice. They are a great way to honor Brian.

The Brian Christ Scholarship for 2011-2012
Established by Jeffrey Stein
is available through Northern VA Com. College Educational Foundation
http://www.nvcc.edu/future-students/paying-for-college/financial-assistance/scholarships/index.html

Thank you Jeff!

Love and miss you Brian, Mom

I write today as a mother and a daughter. A mother remembering my son Brian as I do every day, and a daughter mourning the loss of my dear mother who passed a month ago in March. We had her burial at Arlington National Cemetery last Tuesday. The wait was hard but not as long as with my Dad's two years ago.

A line from Mama's favorite comic strip Cathy -

"They may have cut the umbilical cord but no one will ever get through the phone cord"

I still just want to pick up the phone and call her about anything and everything.
The mother/child connection is so strong. I'm feeling it in both directions now as both my child and mother have left this world.
Through prayer I rely on God to keep that connection going-

"Thou art with Christ, and Christ with me; in Christ united still are we."

******
N BETTER HANDS
By Cindy Bullens
I had a dream that I was fallin’
You came to rescue me
You must have heard me callin’
Through my fitful sleep
You know I wish I could be grateful
Instead of full of fear
The kind of love that you gave me
I can’t replace with tears
And though I’ll never feel that love again
Never again
Well, I can take some kind of comfort in
Knowing you’re in better hands
In better hands
In better hands
In better hands
I had a dream about a fire
Burnin’ out of control
There was no way for me to stop it
‘Till it burned through my soul
There were a hundred people watchin’
As the night raged on
And every one of us stood helpless
Through that bitter dawn
But oh the sky is in your shoes tonight
You can finally fly
All I can do is trust that you’re all right
And I left you in better hands
In better hands
In better hands…
And though I’ll never feel that love again
Never again
Well, I can take some kind of comfort in
Knowing you’re in better hands
In better hands
In better hands…
© 1999 Mommy’s Geetar Music/BMI
******

Missing you Brian, Say Hi to Grandma. Love, Mom

Check out my dad on Fox Business News talking about repealing federal privacy laws and sharing Brian' story (@ 8:47):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrCL0iv1TcU

I just saw the Stossel interview. I agree, FERPA should be repealed. I lost my son, Jason, at KU due to alcohol poisoning. You can contact me at wrenvideo@gmail.com.

I would like to join your cause and help if I can.

-Jay

At Christmas one of my favorite Carols has always been Silent Night. This arrangement by Stevie Nicks is very moving to me. It's a little different than most. Losing him during this season it makes me think of Brian. It gives me peace. Rather, God gives me peace in the silence, and the song reminds me of that eternal peace & connection through Christ.

We're missing you Brian and remember you always.
Love Mom & Dad, Katelyn and Ashley

From the First Rock Baptist Church newsletter-

"Have you noticed the big bus parked in front of the church-"Brian's Bus"? Well, Brian's Bus was graciously donated to First Rock Baptist Church (FRBC) by a family who lost their son to a heroin overdose, to assist the children in the Anacostia Gracious Arts Program(AGAP) and other FRC activities. The family hoped the bus would serve as a reminder to youth not to do drugs.

The idea behind the "Brian's Bus" was birthed by the parents of Brian Christ, Tony and Lee Ann Christ. Brian died at age 22 on December 15, 2004. He had completed a heroin treatment program and completed two engineering courses at George Mason University (GMU) and was preparing to transfer back to the University of Virginia (UVA) and finish his degree. The night after taking finals he went to celebrate. He connected with a BAD GUY and had a relapse on heroin about six months after he had come off it. The relapse killed him....

He was a really nice kid who had many friends. Often he would help others with their school work.When he died he was at his computer and had just emailed a friend a school schedule for GMU that they had worked out together. It was the last think he did....

"Brian's Bus" was Tony Christ's idea. He wanted kid to see what could happen if they did drugs. He and his wife figured that if just one kid remembered Brian and what happened and, subsequently, didn't do drugs, it would be worth it. He raised money from people at work and from Brian's friends who are now 27. Dennis Crawford, a friend of the Christ family, a staff member and a Board of Director member of AGAP, recommended that Tony Christ donate the bus to FRBC to assist the kids in the AGAP as well as other FRBC ministries had plaques made which are in the back of the bus. The plaques tell the story of their son Brian's life. ...It is the Christ family's hope and prayer that "Brian's Bus" will serve the kids at FRBC well."

*****

Also from a 2005 email I received from a friend of Brian's-

"Mrs. Christ-

This is **** (again).I was recently hired by OAR- offender aide and restoration,to work with offenders and ex-offenders and restore both them and their families into society if it is a death sentence case- well alot of our clients are YOUNG heroin users who are in treatment, or just need a guiding voice. I usually show them brians website to show them what a great kid he is, and he had everything going for him,and his use was a negative aspect of his life. I was wondering if they emailed you, could you write them back? Or can I go talk about Brian to these drug rehabs...., I think it would be beneficial to them. A lot of people at these drug treatment centers are telling me heroin is on the rise again, and I want to prevent it at all costs. If you do not want them to, that is okay too, I understand it is hard. I work with a lot ofoffenders who attempt suicide, and its always trying talking to the, as the situation with my father always lingers in my head."

****

You cannot lose someone and not think about how that loss translates to other people with similar losses. At least that is what we are trying to do as well as help in the prevention of such tragedies.

I also think a lot about the people who are currently struggling with drug addiction. I remember when we went to the treatment center's family program and we were able to see Brian only in the evenings at the visiting times, as he had already been through the program with other addicts family members, and they now with us to help educate members about their struggle and "humanize" the horrible state of addiction.

One night there was a motivational speaker. Brian sat between his dad and me. I looked over at him and realized as he sat there hopefully listening to the Spirit filled, dynamic former addict, how devastating a situation he was in, how I was powerless to do anything about it and how I sensed the fear in his heart. It was agonizing and I wanted to fix it all (had to relinquish, very hard to do). But he courageously listened and kept hope in his heart as we did.

Maybe because of Brian, I have a keener awareness of other's anxieties and fears and wish to bring some hope to them even in the simplest of ways. Sometimes a smile and acknowledgement of something they are going through goes a long way. Isn't this God's plan for us to share His goodness that He has given us.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble"
Psalm 46:1

We love and miss you Brian,

Love Mom and Dad

Our lives are not the same since you left us Brian. But what is the same is our love for you. As we go along without you, we carry that love and you with us in our hearts, unchanged and pure. On Mother's Day I remember all about you and I cherish those memories Love forever, Mom

I was reading an excerpt from a newsletter where a bereaved mother ended by giving her daughter's "symbols" as a butterfly, a black cat and a dark-haired angel.

I was reminded of a dream I had a few months after Brian died. At first I was alone in a dept. store, crouching down behind a register, because rising out of a water fountain across the store was a column of fire. It rose high and then arched and transfered into an object next to it, then rose again in a column and transfered back into the fountain. I was in awe of it's energy. All of a sudden I was walking with Brian, who was around 8-9 I guess, and we went through an arch into a restaurant. As we walked through he was happily chatting as he did so often, and I noticed right beside him a person, a woman, with long dark hair and a robe-like garment. I was aware of how silent she was. As we sat at the table with pedestal chairs attached to the floor, she sat at the next table adjacent to Brian. I asked him to get some napkins and when he left I became more aware of her. I looked at her and felt calm in her presence.

An interesting sequence of dream events. Who knows what if anything they mean. But I do remember wondering at the time if there were dark-haired angels.

Teresa's mother reminded me of this in her entry about her daughter who died 15 years ago. She also wrote that she felt time did not heal the grief a parent feels when they lose a child, but how we spend the time is what really does.

We will soon have some photos to post here of Brian's Bus and the latest news about where it is headed.

We miss you every day Brian and Love you always, Mom

5 years. i remember us sitting in the patio of kevin's parents' house in hoodbridge the summer of 2004 and we were having some crazy talk about the future of technology. i was spouting out ideas and you were ever the pragmatist, grounding my flights of fancy. i only knew you for a short time, but i wish you well wherever you are bro.

We will be at Brian's grave site this evening at 5:00PM if anyone wants to drop by.

I will have pictures of a Bus i am rasing money for that will be contributed in Brian's name to saint Katherine's Church.

Thinking of you today, Brian, and your family.

Love, Kate

Another day of mixed emotions, I miss ya like hell dude. My prayers are always with you and your family.

-Ry

"We have seen a significant increase in heroin trafficking in Northern Virginia,..." "First, more people addicted to prescription pain medications are switching to heroin. And second, Mexican drug suppliers are using routes long established for cocaine to also move heroin."
From The Washington Post- Oct.22 2009.

Five years have passed and what more can be said except the pain of losing Brian is with us everyday. Thank God for His mercy and grace and forgiveness in our lifes, and for the ability to also expericence joy when remembering Brian and knowing that God will remember him in His kingdom.

In the Dec. 6th posting my husband speaks of a bus being donated to a local church that would amoung other things be used to transport teens to church activities. The bus will have a plaque with Brian's picture and a few lines about his short life and the heroin addiction that brought it to an end. Hopefully it will impact those who see it and they will impact others they know and so on and so on. A small chisling away of a monumental evil that erodes the soul and has captured so many who are feeling hollow and looking for something to fill the void. When things look dismal, I sometimes think how hard it must have been for Brian, or anyone struggling, to get through a day without using drugs, when that poison is embedded in their cells. The battle can be won but not solo, not on their own power. Please pray for people in this situation to find the help they need and the strength to perservere and be victorious.

*****
Scarlet Wings (As Long As You Love)


Time has a different meaning now
Since you found your scarlet wings
Forever seems like yesterday
But only angels know these things
I can hear your voice sometimes at night
And it echoes through the day
When my soul cries out from missing you
I remember what you say

As long as you love you will see me in the stars
As you look up at the stars, I will be there
As long as you love, I will whisper in your ear
Little whispers you will hear as long as you love
As long as you love

You are standing here beside me now
As I watch the children play
To those of us you left behind
You are never far away
Even heaven cannot hold your heart
For no boundaries love allows
So little angel spread those scarlet wings
As you whisper to me now

As long as you love you will see me in the sun
In the warming of the sun I will be there
As long as you love you will understand the rain
You must bless the falling rain as long as you love

As long as you love you will see me in the stars
As you look up at the stars I will be there
As long as you love I will whisper in your ear
Little whispers you will hear as long as you love
As long as you love

by Cindy Bullens

******

We love and miss you Brian, and you're never far away. Love Mom & Dad, Katelyn & Ashley

It still feels like just yesterday when I last saw you and we had so many plans for our future.

Miss you very much. Keep watching us

Brian and his family are always, always in my thoughts and prayers. We will never forget you, Brian.

Dear Brian,
On December 15, it will be 5 years since you went to be with the Lord. We have many fond memories you Brian. We miss you very much.
With Much Love,
Uncle Steve, Aunt Ianthe, Krislyn, Jonathan

Myself, my wife and 16 people have contributed to purchase a bus in Brian's name the Bus will be donated to Saint Katherine's Orthodox for the main use of the Children of saint Katherine's it wil be called Brian's Bus. used for athletic teams transportation and or general Church needs.
If anyone wishes to contribute call me at 703-533-3077.
Also my wife and I will be at Brian's Grave, December 15 at 5:00PM if anyone wishes to join us.

Dear C.J.,
sorry it took so long to respond to your post. Best of luck in your Marathon! We were happy to donate to your worthy cause and in memory of Liz your beloved sister. I hope others will do the same.
And we thank you for remembering Brian so fondly. In our marathon Katelyn & I took Brian right along with us. So many people would pat your shoulder or give you the thumbs up when they went by (a lot of people went by me!!!)& vice versa. One lady saddled up beside me in the dark when we first started off and helped me pace for 6 miles (I was walking mostly). When I finally left her at a rest stop I caught a glimpse of the back of her shirt that had been getting a lot of attention. It said- "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."You go C.J.!!

You've got some special friends Brian. Love you always. Mom

Happy Belated Birthday Brian!

Happy Birthday B. Still Missing you

happy bday :)

Happy birthday Brian. Still thinking of you every day.

Happy Birthday!
...thinking of you often....

Happy birthday Brian.

Mrs Christ. I saw that you and Brian's sister ran a marathon in his honor recently and read the story about the father and son kicking their habits and running a marathon out in Colorado.

I am running the Richmond Marathon in less than two months, and just realized that I hadn't hunted down a charity to support through my running. After seeing your efforts you made for the AIR Foundation, I just went to Firstgiving.org and set up my donation page for CrisisLink. I recently hosted a charity concert in Arlington at the Clarendon Grill for CrisisLink, which is a crisis/trauma hot-line, and I can't believe I forgot to mention it to you and our friends on the EMCT. We raised a few thousand dollars and it was a total success for everyone involved and I felt the need to support them even more.

The fund raising page is set-up now, and you can get to it by going to www.firstgiving.org/cjcross

Again, thanks for continuing to post on here regularly, and for continuing to be amazing people with all that you have done in memory of Brian. I only hope I can honor the memories of Brian and my sister Liz in such a way.

A letter received from a bereaved mother ended like this: "Life has a way of taking us in strange directions. We continue to live the life we have instead of the one we had planned". Daily we realize Brian's physical absence from our lives. But he is not far. He lives in our hearts. There is joy in that. Sounds so cliche but it is ever so true.

"Thou art with Christ and Christ with me; in Christ united still are we."

We love you Brian. Mom & Dad, Katelyn & Ashley

Happy 27th birthday

As always, thinking of all those birthday party pasts that we had

Your 18th at UVA was legendary

When we were 13 we went and saw Hackers at the old Skyline Mall

And as kids, it was football in your backyard on an always beautiful sunny September afternoon

Miss you buddy

i still remember that time i feed the ducks with u brian...n ill never forget. you always were making jocks when i saw u from what i remember :)

thinking of you....

I will not wish thee riches
nor the glow of greatness,
but that wherever thou go
some weary heart shall gladden at thy smile,
or shadowed life know sunshine for a while.
And so thy path shall be a track of light,
like angels’ footsteps passing through the night


Words on a church wall in Upwaltham, England

Remembering all the times you made us smile Brian. We love and miss you, Mom

Mrs Christ

I just found out about your father. He was a good man that was always entertaining anytime he came to our home

He will be missed. My condolences

Just thinking about you. Still miss you. Always will...

He was known by most who knew him as Art, by his family as Arvid, and by Brian as Grandad. Sadly my father passsed away last Thursday at the age of 80.

People will remember him for many things: a veteran of the Korean and Vietnam Wars; an uncle who made family gatherings a memorable event; a friend's dad who had his daughter's bridesmaids laughing on the way to her wedding by suggesting ,to ease her highly exciteable state, that he stop at 7/11 for some gum first-I failed to see the humor at the time; a loving & devoted husband of 64 years by my mother; an energetic, loving, devoted & proud grandfather by all his grandchildren; a person of honesty and integrity and great generosity by his friends.

I will fondly remember my dad: who taught me to ride my bike; gave me confidence to go back into the ocean when I was pulled under & fearful; who taught me how to drive in the snow like they do in Wisconsin; who faithfully watched "The Wonderful World of Disney " with me just about every Sunday night of my childhood, as I sat perched on the arm of his chair ; who gently reminded me it was just a story when I cried over Lassie getting lost for the umpteenth time.

I'll remember my dad who had confidence in me to drive cross country by myself at 22, & who carefully mapped out my journey's itinerary which I followed and still have today. And who even though a preacher's son, was not full of religiosity, but demonstrated his belief in, committment to, & faith in Christ every night as he knelt next to his bed and prayed.

The agent from Veteran's Affairs who is helping us after his death is named Angel. The funeral director helping us and with whom the agent needed to talk, is named Angel. In the midst of sadness that made me smile.

"Somehow the Angels comfort me whenever I have tears..." was a verse on a sympathy card a friend sent.

Following will be some photos taken of Brian on his way to college and me on my way down the isle. My dad was giving us both a last word of guidance & love.

He will be buried with full millitary honors at Arlington Cemetery in August.
He will be missed. I don't know how it "works" after death, but I have faith that in God's time we will be reunited with our loved ones, and those who have gone before may already be together.

God's mercy & peace be with you Daddy. Brian
give Grandad a big hug. We love you both.

I was at work on the 3-11 shift the December evening I found out I was pregnant with Brian. It was about a year and a half since Tony and I were married. My hand had been glued to my stomach most of the evening & I had exclaimed one too many times that I just didn't feel well. My fellow nurses were puttiing the picture all together and eagerly approached me with what I thought was an off the wall suggestion, to take a specimen to the lab. We finished administering meds and treatments, passing each other with expectant grins on our faces. The call came up nearing the end of the shift that I was pregnant. Screeches of joy and laughter & sisterly hugs followed from my workmates, and I was ecstatically speechless!

I drove home slowly on the cold, clear, wintery night. Sliver sparkles of moon low in the sky flickered through the blowing tree limbs. The stars seemed to lead me home. The lamps of the angels. It was not the usual exhausting ,destressing ride home from a long shift in the hospital that I normally experienced. It was a peaceful glide in which I was not aware of any fatique or discomfort. Only aware of a new life.

Tony was out of town for a few days and I waited till I got home to call as I wanted to let it fully permiate my mind and then give to him the good news. He could not contain his love & excitement. It rushed with his voice through the phone line. We were to be parents and we were tremendously happy.

The weeks following I would go to bed and lay with my hand again on my abdomen,and the life inside would connect me to a thrill of expectancy and the unknown. Who had been a twinkle in God's eye was now with me and that would be my first remembrance of Brian.

Remembering you Brian on Mother's Day and loving you always. Mom

Haven't posted in awhile, another loss of life a week or so ago from my college. Drunk driving involved. I miss you man.

-Ryan

We were happy to hear from Mr. Sterner and appreciate his sharing. Our prayers are with him.his sons & family, and their foundation and it's participants, as they run the Boston Marathon this April, & as they continue to "fight the good fight" as we all must do in the struggle to clear away, not add to, the many masks we put on and glorify as self, vs. our true created self-the spritual self God has endowed us with.

Lay Down Your Burden
by Amy Grant

Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
If I can walk on water
And calm a restless sea
I've done a thousand things you've never done
And I'm weary watchin'
While you struggle on your own
Call my name, I'll come
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
I give vision to the blind
And I can raise the dead
I've seen the darker side of Hell
And I returned
And I see these sleepless nights
And I count every tear you cry
I know some lessons hurt to learn
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child

We love you Brian. You're always remembered
Miss you, mom.

We received a donation from the Christ family today. We thank them so much for reaching out. And I can only hope that I might reach in and be humble enough to allow the only Light that is the Light of men to reach through me and offer any comfort and warmth that might avail itself to you.

I visited the website and, being moved literally to tears, realized something: so often so much in life gets carried so far away, whether sober or clear, that I lose touch with humanity. The struggle is great. We all know it. We all feel it. But when we reach out to each other, in comfort or support, we find that the human existence leaves us needing one another to understand ourselves. And so our struggle goes on.

My son Nicholas Shane, about whom you may have read in the Runner's World article, is doing very well. In fact, he is headed to South Dakota to finish his degree and then plans on going to Seminary. He has turned into a fine young man. He is unfortunately struggling with a torn muscle that occurred in the Boulder Marathon last September, so his running has become a source of frustration - one which, he will tell you, points him deeper into his Faith.

My 21 year old son, who is also a fine young man, struggles. Drugs and alcohol take their toll, and he causes me to reflect back on the mistakes I've made in my own life that have left an impact. His name is Zach. I share this with you all because with one simple reach you have all shared so much with us.

The AIR Foundation continues to work with teens and adults in recovery. In fact, we participated in over 30 races last year - including 8 marathons - with over 100 participants. The current economic status has left us struggling, but faith and perseverance will carry us through. Our hope is that we can reach people and bring them across finish lines, supporting and lending a hand in times of happiness and of hardship.

I have been inspired and touched by Brian and again thank you for reaching out. If you would like, please contact us at any time. I'm heading to the East to participate in the Boston Marathon in April and will be in Philadelphia for a few days also.

Faith,

Nick
Nicholas Sterner
The AIR Foundation
1150 W. 5th Avenue
Denver, CO 80204
720-365-2935
www.TheAIRFoundation.Org
Nick@TheAIRFoundation.Org

note- the website I gave for The Air Foundation is not up at the moment- here is the article from runners world about the founders that inspired us to do a Marathon called
"The Healing Power of the Marathon"

http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-243-297--12302-0,00.html

On January 1, 2008 I posted a story about a Colorado man and his son who became sober by running marathons, and who now help others do the same.
One year later on January 11th of 2009, Katelyn, Brian's sister, ran and I walked in the Walt Disney World Marathon! We were inspired by their story.

WE DID IT FOR BRIAN!!!

We did it for others who struggle with addiction and are in recovery.

We did it for our own "recovery"
and I like to add,
for God's glory!

For anyone interested in more information about the story or how to donate to this cause her are some websites:

www.theairfoundation.org
www.denverrescuemission.org

We'd walk a million miles for you Brian and back!! We love and miss you, Brian's family

In a care package to Brian when he was feeling lost but hopeful at Hazelden I included a U-2 cd with this song. Thought I'd share it now.




"Bono's vague lyrics have led to many fan interpretations of the song's meaning, but Bono frequently told the story behind the song in concert: the song is about heroin—specifically, about a friend of Bono's "who was given on his 21st birthday enough heroin into his bloodstream to kill him."


Bad by U-2

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would
Let it go
Surrender
Dislocate

If I could throw this
Lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night
And through the rain
Into the half-light
And through the flame

If I could through myself
Set your spirit free
Id lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day

To let it go
And so to fade away
To let it go
And so fade away

Im wide awake
Im wide awake
Wide awake
Im not sleeping
Oh, no, no, no

If you should ask then maybe theyd
Tell you what I would say
True colors fly in blue and black
Bruised silken sky and burning flag
Colors crash, collide in blood shot eyes

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would
Let it go...

This desperation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation
Let it go

And so fade away
To let it go
And so fade away
To let it go
And so to fade away

Im wide awake
Im wide awake
Wide awake
Im not sleeping
Oh, no, no, no

Thinking of you Brian, Love Mom

As we remember all our friends and family, we thank all who remembered us and Brian on Christmas. We watched The Nativity Story and Home Alone 2 together as a family. If anyone wants to experience Brian at age 10 or so watch Home Alone! It's uncanny how much he resembles the boy in the movie. We all commented on it and were able to laugh and remember him for his cleverness, sweetness, quick mind & ability to figure things out & navigate through things at an early age. This was probably the first time we all were on the same page at the same time with our memories.
As usual I have a passage to share. It's from a book written in the early 1900s by Charles L Allen.


" 'I am the resurrection, and the life' he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live'
In Korea, they call a Chritian a resurected person. They mean that the soul of the Christian was spiritually dead, but he has allowed the spirit of Christ to come in, believed in Him, responded to that belief, and has begun to love again.
Once they were building a new highway in England. In the way stood a very, very old building. The workmen tore it down and cleared off the ground on which it stood. After the ground had been exposed to the sunshine and rain for some months, a wonderful thing happened. Flowers began to spring up, and botanists and naturalists from all over England came to study them. Many of the flowers were identified as plants the Romans had brought to England almost two thousand years before. Some of the plants that sprang up are completely unkown today.
Hidden there in the ground, without air and light, the seeds seemed to have died. But they were not dead. As soon as the obstacles were cleared away, and the sunshine let in, they sprang into the fulness of their beauty.
So the seeds of eternal life are in every human life. But often those seeds are buried under such things as unbelief, selfishness, pride, lust, preoccupation, or some other sin. But with humility and with childlike faith we bow before Him, it is the resurrection and the life for us.Marvelous things happen within our souls and we become finer and better than ever we had dared to hope. Life takes on for us a new meaning, a new radiance and beauty, a new happiness, and peace becomes ours. We live again."
The Kingdom of God is within us and eternal life begins now.

We love and remember you Brian & always hold you dear in our hearts, mom

I was just thinking about Brian yesterday while driving past Corpus Christi. It's amazing how quickly time passes. It doesn't seem like that long ago that we were standing around on the blacktop there each day. I was recently hanging out with some O'Connell friends and we pulled out a yearbook to look back at good memories and catch up on where everyone is now. We all remarked on what a good, down to earth guy Brian was. Something brought me to this page today..I haven't been here in a while. Upon seeing the date, I felt I should post because there was a reason Brian popped into my mind over the past few days.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the Christ family. I hope you find some peace in this Christmas season.

I'm thinking of you today, Brian. It's hard to believe it's been 4 years.

My thoughts are also with the Christ family today.

Love, Kate

As expected, everyone is with me on remembering a great friend we lost 4 years ago on this day. It's hard to be cheerful for my sister's birthday when you died this day. I hope that the Christs are doing well.

-Ryan

Brian miss you much, though I know you are here. See you later.

T140.32crew

4 years since we lost you.

Miss you today so much. Keep watch over us

Tommorrow it will be 4 years since we lost Brian.
Mrs. Christ and I will be out at the grave site from about 5:00PM to 5:30PM.

Although you don't need to come if anyone wants to drop by they are more than welcome.

Dear Brian,

We have many fond memories of you as we come close to Dec. 15, when you went to the Lord 4 years ago.
We miss you very much!
As I am typng this message at Jonathan's desk, to the left of the computer screen on Jonathan's bulletin board, there is a nice picture of Brian .
Brian, you have had a positive impact on our lives, as you have had on many other's lives.
May your memory be Eternal!

Love Always,
Aunt Ianthe, Uncle Steve, Krislyn, and Jonathan

Lee Ann,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and observations. I appreciate reading your insightful comments. Your daughter's message was very touching. I wish I could have met Brian. I will be thinking of him and his family.

Love,
Debra

It's approaching what some who have lost children would call Brian's "Angel Date". It will be four years since he left, on December 15th. Angel date is a beautiful way to remember that day. I must say though, that I do not believe our children become angels. I believe they are with the angels but are not angels. For clarification, I looked up:
What does the Bible say about angels?
*****
" Angels are personal spiritual beings, having aspects of intelligence, emotions, and will. This is true of both the good and evil angels. Angels possess intelligence (Matthew 8:29; 2 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Peter 1:12), show emotions (Luke 2:13; James 2:19; Revelation 12:17), and demonstrate that they have wills (Luke 8:28-31: 2 Timothy 2:26; Jude 6). Angels are spirit beings (Hebrews 1:14), with no true physical body. The fact that they do not have bodies does not affect their being personalities (any more than it does with God).

The knowledge angels possess is limited by their being created beings. This means they do not know all things as God does (Matthew 24:36). They do seem to have greater knowledge than humans, however. This may be due to three causes. (1) Angels were created as a higher order of creatures in the universe than humans are. Therefore, innately they possess greater knowledge. (2) Angels study the Bible and the world more thoroughly than humans do and gain knowledge from it (James 2:19; Revelation 12:12). (3) Angels gain knowledge through long observation of human activities. Unlike humans, angels do not have to study the past; they have experienced it. Therefore, they know how others have acted and reacted in situations and can predict with a greater degree of accuracy how we may act in similar circumstances.

Though they have wills, the angels are, like all creatures, subject to the will of God. Good angels are sent by God to help believers (Hebrews 1:14).


Angels are an entirely different order of being from humans. Human beings do not become angels after they die. Angels will never become, and never were, human beings. God created the angels, just as He created humanity. The Bible nowhere states that angels are created in the image and likeness of God, as humans are (Genesis 1:26). Angels are spiritual beings that can, to a certain degree, take on physical form. Humans are primarily physical beings, but with a spiritual aspect. The greatest thing we can learn from the angels is their instant, unquestioning obedience to God’s commands."
*****

I'm sure they are busy delivering God's love to us
in many ordinary ways & messages about our departed loved ones and our everyday existance. I believe to have been on the receiving end of that many times. And awesomely, of God's Holy Spirit... Amen (surely, truly, of a truth)

*****
Nearing this date, I decided to post Brian's sister's actual obituary message that she wrote and submitted to the Wash. Post. The reporter apologized for having to abreviate it but offered Katelyn a job writing there anytime! Here it is, as we remember Brian on his upcoming "angel date".

I miss you Brian,and my love for you is forever. Now, listen to your sister- no comments!
******

The search for happiness is a lifelong journey. Though we all take steps in the wrong direction, some people never get the chance to get back on the right track. On December 15th, Brian Christ, a 22-year-old Electrical Engineering student, and my beloved brother, took one such step, unaware that it would be his last. A product of poor judgment, not desperation, my brother's death was the result of an unfortunate drug overdose.

A lively asset to any occasion, Brian lit up conversations with his witty and colorful comments, and warmed hearts with his reserved, calm demeanor. Growing up, Brian was a member of several club sports teams, but found comfort and excelled most in his Boy Scouting and Tae Kwon Do endeavors. Always eager to lend a hand to his friends and to those less fortunate, Brian participated in countless service activities and eventually earned the Eagle Scout Award. Further, years of intense, Tae Kwon Do practices also provided Brian with a well-deserved Black Belt. As a Greek Orthodox Christian Brian served as an altar boy for one year, worked in the summer at a Carry Out store during High School, and later went on to become a distinquished intern for Congressmen Tom Davis, to work in Radio Shack, and to run a successful University Painter's Franchise. Accepted into UVA with exceptional SAT scores and an eager mind, Brian worked hard and was due to complete his Electrical Engineering degree with another semester of classes.

Never afraid to shake up conventions or question authority, Brian possessed an unmatched charismatic, rebellious spirit that was often blanketed with sincere composure. His courage in all endeavors was admirable. A kindred soul who instructed, enlightened, amazed and truly loved his family and friends, Brian will be missed intensely.

Though Brian's life on earth was abruptly stopped by an addiction, to which his body fell prey, his life after death has begun by the determination and love his passionate spirit kept alive. For the sake of my brother, we need to examine our own addictions, whether they be to work,to food, to greed, or to contempt. Though physically healthier than drug addictions, entertaining these compulsions also falls short of reaching true happiness if pursued steadfastly.

A product of his loving upbringing, courageous mind and spiritual awareness, and not of his society, my brother was not a statistic. Ambitious about pursing a career in culinary arts and completing his education, Brian worked hard to recover and had no intention of ending his life that night. Disenabled to continue on his righteous path to recovery on earth, however, Brian became the victim of poor judgment. However, the achievements he has amazed us with, the friendships he has blessed us with, and the love he held within for us have made everlasting memories in our hearts that will outlive any physical presence of my brother. Taken young at heart by an evil fought against with conviction by both my brother and my loving parents, Brian will have to continue his journey after death. Only there will he think with the clear peace of mind for which he sought and love with the true heart we all know he had.

I had to google the name "Danzig" that appeared on the entry below. It refers to a now 53 year old punk rocker, who started the band, The Misfits. I find the his bio and song lyrics disturbing and wish we had been much more aware of the group Brian sported on the t-shirt he wore when he was 15, actually decifered the lyrics vs. just hearing "the noise", & been much more inquiring of who Brian was hanging out with back then. Who we associate with, what we listen to, what we watch, have great impact on our minds. Too much is labeled harmless, a stage. Young minds can fall prey easily. More regrets. Another piece in the pie of things we missed.

"Woe to those who call evil good,
and good evil;
Who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness;
Who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!"
Isaiah 5:20


Let's keep in mind Brian's last words.

"All of this is depending heavily on my ability to stay clean, as I've mentioned before I have a little problem with morpheus' delights, and it seems to keep coming back up and wrecking my world in one way or another. Wish I'd never started, and wish it wasn't such an ominous aspect of my life, but I am what I am and unfortunately, as I'm writing this
I've just IVed a decent amount of Baltimore's finest smack."

Brian, I well know, called his addiction what it was- evil. And he battled against it.

Love you always Brian, Mom

Bonfires burning bright
Pumpkin faces in the night
I remember halloween

Dead cats hanging from poles
Little dead are out in droves
I remember halloween

Brown leafed vertigo
Where skeletal life is known
I remember halloween

This day anything goes
Burning bodies hanging from poles
I remember halloween

Halloween, halloween, halloween, halloween

Candy apples and razor blades
Little dead are soon in graves
I remember halloween

This day anything goes
Burning bodies hanging from poles
I remember

Halloween, halloween, halloween, halloween
Halloween, halloween, halloween, halloween

Never go a day without thinking of you

Happy Belated Birthday Brian! Thinking about you! You are often on our minds and always in our hearts! We love you and miss you!
All Our Love,
Uncle Steve, Aunt Ianthe, Krislyn, and Jonathan

So I just wrote you a note and said happy belated birthday, it was meaningful and told you that I wouldn't have remembered without checking this blog/having ish to pass it between us. Either way, our friendship is what counted. I bought a condo, wish you were here to help christen it. We miss you, and there isn't a day that any of us don't think about you in some way shape or form. This blog just reminds us of that, sorry I haven't been around for awhile, the system of work has me trapped down.

Toast for you

“To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is not to die.” –Thomas Campbell

Thinking of you and your family Brian, and keeping all of you in my prayers

Happy Birthday

Love,
Debbie Wright

As always, I think of what crazy party we'd have for your birthday

Happy 26th birthday, we miss you dude

Brian,
I am thinking of you and your family. Send your family hugs and kisses. They love you and miss you so much.

Hugs,
Debra

BEREAVED BIRTHDAYS

BIRTHDAYS ARE A TIME FOR CELEBRATION
NOT A TIME FOR TEARS.
BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE BIRTHDAYS
NO LONGER MARK THE YEARS?

A BIRTHDAY MARKS THE MOMENT
A SPIRIT ENTERS EARTHLY LIFE
TO SHARE ITS SPECIAL LOVE AND JOY
AND LEARN FROM EARTHLY STRIFE.

BEFORE A SPIRIT COMES TO US,
IT KNOWS WHEN AND HOW IT MUST DEPART.
IT CHOSE ITS PATH CAREFULLY,
WE ARE HONORED FROM THE START.

THE SADNESS WE NOW FEEL
ON SUCH A JOYOUS DAY
IS LONGING FOR OUR LOVED ONE'S TOUCH.
IT'S NATURAL TO FEEL THIS WAY.

FOR EVEN THOUGH THE BIRTHDAYS
NO LONGER MARK A SPIRIT'S STAY,
LOVE CONTINUES ON FOREVER
TO TOUCH US EVERYDAY.

SO HUG YOUR PRECIOUS MEMORIES
CLOSER TO YOUR HEART
AND HONOR YOUR BELOVED SPIRIT CHILD
WHO CHOSE YOU FROM THE START.

Author Unknown

I wish love and comfort for all of you as you remember and cherish all of the special memories of Brian, especially today his 26th birthday. Brian continues to inspire others from above, just as he always did!

"Perhaps they are not stars in the sky. . . but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy."
Eskimo legend

Happy birthday, Brian. I'm thinking of you today, just like every other day.

Dear Brian,
We miss you. We really miss you. You would be 26 today. It may seem we are limited by only 22 years with you, or 18 & 15, for your sisters, even less for some of your friends. But the love we all shared in your lifetime is limitless.

1 Corinthians 13:13
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Cherishing those precious memories, & thoughts of you on your birthday today, and everyday.
Love, Mom & Dad, Katelyn & Ashley


In This Place
by Genesse Bourdeau Gentry

Brave Hearts, you are here.
You have traveled a dreadful distance,
you have come,
seeking solace,understanding, hope,
Threads to patch what death so cruelly undone.

In this place you can relax and breathe...
The coats of others' expectations taken off
Walk into these few hours as into an oasis
Where draughts of love and memories can be quaffed.

In this place all names can be spoken;
In this place each one's story may be told.
We will not be discouraged by your sorrow;
In this place all feelings, we enfold.

Here, laughter does not mean we are forgetting;
We do not count how many tears are shed.
Both fuel us, fellow travelers, give us courage,
For the long road we see ahead.

And those we love are pleased we are together,
Smile down on us, and bless this day,
Glad for every tiny step we are taking
As they send their light to guide us on our way.

Traveling with us as we journey onward,
Sending strength for what the miles may bring,
They are a part of everything we do that matters-
In every dance we dance and every song we sing.

It doesn't matter how long they've been gone, the hole they left in our hearts can only be filled when we hold them again in Heaven. May you know our Lord's presence and comfort in a very special way as Brian's birthday approaches.

Some things I'd like to say but, first of all,
to let you know that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from Heaven where I dwell with God above,
where there is no more tears or sadness.
There is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you, when my life on Earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you.
It's good to have you back again
You were missed were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here so badly, as part of My big plan.
There's so much that we have to do to help our mortal man".

Then God gave me a list of things He wished for me to do.
Foremost on that list of mine is to watch and care for you,
And I will be beside you, every day and week and year.
And when you're sad, I'm standing there to wipe away the tear.
And when you lie in bed at night, the days chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on Earth and all those loving years,
because you're only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But, do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain.
Remember, there would be no flowers unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you of all that God has planned,
but, if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
but one thing is for certain, though my life on Earth is o're,
I am closer to you now then I ever was before.
And to my very many friends-trust God knows what is best.
I'm still not far away from you.
I'm just beyond the crest.
There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb,
but together we can do it, taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy, and I'd like it for you too,
that as you give unto the World, so the World will give to you.
If you can help somebody who is in sorrow or in pain,
then you can say to God at night, my day was not in vain.
And now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.
So if you met somebody who is down and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up as on your way you go.

When you are walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind...
I'm walking in your footsteps, only half a step behind.
And when you feel the gentle breeze, or the wind upon your face,
that's me giving you a great big hug or just a soft embrace.
And when it's time for you to go from that body to be free,
remember you're not going...you are coming here to me.
And I will always love you from that land way up above.
Will be in touch again soon.
P.S. God sends His Love

(Author unknown)

To my

Well Brian, I know you would appreciate this, as you were the only one who came willingly, when I was summoning all to the scene of a hawk on the soccer net in the backyard.

I was walking with the dogs and near our house(in suburban D.C.),on a tree covered stretch of road, when suddenly there came a low flying eagle, wings outstretched and in fast pursuit of a smaller bird. It flew around the corner and just 12 feet or so above the street in front of us, dodging the phone wires and the overhanging trees. I was astounded! What an awesome sight! I remember you saw eagles in Md. during a scout excursion and were so anxious to tell about it.
(note for doubters- the local newspapers have reported that there are eagles nesting on the GW Parkway along the Potomac River)

Well, continuing on the walk, I then spotted a rainbow cloud. It was sunny and no rain before or after. It was a small colorful cloud! I googled rainbow clouds and evidently there are a lot being seen in the N. East. Really something.


" The eagle has a rich symbolic history. An early legend held that the eagle would periodically renew its youth (or plumage or eyesight) by flying near the sun and then plunging into a lake or fountain. On this basis the eagle became a symbol for the Resurrection. Since the eagle soars upward, it also became a symbol for Christ's Ascension. Eagles also represent Christians who have been baptised into Christ, who have died and risen with Him. The eagle is also a symbol of St. John the Evangelist because of his "soaring" witness to Jesus' divine nature. (The symbols for the four Evangelists — the eagle, the winged lion, the winged man and the winged ox — are derived from Ezekiel's vision of four living creatures, although Ezekiel's description is most likely of cherubim.)

Isa. 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, They will walk and not be faint. (NIV)"

* Below is a website with the trailer for the video I spoke about in my previous entry. The film carries these parents and others through the many changes in their lives since they lost their children. A few lost children in well known tragedies, like Sept. 11 and Columbine. It was helpful to me and to other parents at the conference that I attended so wanted to share it.

www.spacebetweenbreaths.com/Trailer.wmv


Brian,To us, here, the magnificence of creation brings wonder and awe. My hope is that you are seeing much more amazing things than this right now with our Creator.

I love you, Mom

Brian-

It's dad, we miss you very much. Nothing will change that. Mom your sisters and I are all well and we grieve in different ways.

You would be very proud of your sisters they are both kicking butt in college. katelyn graduated with a double major from UVA. English and Economics and Ashley has a 3.6 Cum at Mason in nursing. Recently Katelyn won a Fellowship for graduate studies in Economics from George Mason.

Mom and I have acted in our own ways to deal with your lose. Mom has done some community service and grown closer to God. I have founded a Political Party for the younger generation. You are the inspiration for Liberty Party USA. It's something I believe you would have agreed with. Everytime I work on it I feel I am honoring your memory- it's a job no one is doing however it is necessary to preserve Liberty for all your peers in the younger generation.

This is my way of honoring your memory and doing something positive for the future--Love Dad

I thought of our early summer of 1998 today. Wow that was 10 years ago

You were training for cross country and getting in shape (albeit you would choose not to run xc in the fall) and I was trying to get ready for football season before heading to Pakistan

Your dad would have you, Dimitri and myself run at the track at Falls Church high school. It was our constant commitment to fitness, on again and off again at times, but we were doing it

That summer really jump started my focus to fitness. For the rest of your life we'd always end up either playing basketball, running, or lifting weights, no matter what

Anytime my body is sore, like it is now from a basketball game, I think back to those times on the track

This weekend I attended J.I.M.'S(join in memory) conference in williamsburg, Kentucky. It felt more like a family reunion than a conference as those in attendance were all parents who lost children. Albeit, it is not a group anyone aspires to join, but it was good to have a group to be a part of after losing Brian. There was immediate connection and security to grieve & to be happy remembering and sharing about our children. That dichotomy of grief,sorrow and joy, where only one state is illuminated at a time, but that both make up the whole.
Included in the time spent there were-

**a concert by Cindy Bullens, a singer songwriter who lost her child 14 years ago and whose music was inspired by that loss. She wrote the very poingant soundtrack to the award winning documentarty,www.SPACE BETWEEN BREATHS.com. which was shown to us during the conference. All 10 songs relating to her daughter's death and her grieving and choosing to live. Both the music and the film were so meaningful and powerful. check them both out at the website above.

**a memory table where parents shared pictures and writings by or about their children, art work and other creative displays, that really brought us close to each other.

**small workshops on subjects like making it through the first year, faith, and "signs" from/about our children. I did signs and was happy to see I'm not the only one by any means getting encouragement from butterflies, and dreams,rainbows, different encounters with people. I now have an "I brake for butterflies" bumper sticker! It remined me of the time Brian went to Greece with Kate and her family and they visited Rhodes. Before he showed the pictures to us he said something like "Mom you're going to really like the one of the butterfly island!". How would he have known. Actually looking back at the picture Kate put recently on the site it was the Valley of Butterflies. (see Dec. 13,2005 entry)

**We had a group balloon release, where all eyes gazed until the last balloons were out of sight. It was held in a garden dedicated to all the children's memories then and in the past whose parents have attended.
Dinah, the lady putting it on, and her husband, lost their son Jim and through their pain have created this wonderful program. It gives her great joy. Rosemary and her husband, who lost their 2 sons in the same accident, created the Children of the Dome, and the documentary, Space Between Breaths.

**We all brought soil from a place special to our child, which was then mixed together and spread around a Christmas angel in the garden. We got some of the combined soil to bring home. Also a "forever" plant. A type of sedum which looks an awful lot like the one Brian brought home from westlawn Elem in 4th grade.

**I met and was touched by so many nice people, hurting and missing their chidren like us and wanting to share and reach out to others. And instead of reinforcing our pain, as some might think, the experience was a validation of it and it offered a place where you don't have to put it aside because other's think you should have "closure" or be finished with it. It is in the fabric of our souls now and will never be gone. It is cherished and we live with it. And we do have to chose to live. I'm glad we have done that. It is what Brian would want and we will carry on whatever we do, whether a simple task or something else in the community that we think of, in his memory.

**we had a candle lighting ceremony where we placed the candles in front of pictures of our children. We gave their "angel dates" and assigned a symbol to them. Mostly people did animals. His angel dates are, September 16,1982-December 15,2004, and a giraffe was his symbol. I chose a giraffe because the long neck represents spiritual forsight, they are very curious, and can defend themselves with one quick blow from their hooves.- Brian was very curious and bright all through childhood, introspective and thoughtful in his thinking, and held a blackbelt in tae kwon do. When he was little he was peaking out through his blinds. When I asked him what he was doing he said "there might be a giraffe looking in!" I got him a little giraffe that he carried with him to college. I guess he was facing his fears.

**I attended because of a very nice mother named Debra, who I met through going to a grief site that the Special Dream author, whose book my dream was in, recommended. I had contacted Debra after reading a response she left on the grief site to a father whose son died of a drug overdose. She sounded so caring and I was ready to talk to another mother who had lost her child to an overdose. I unloaded Brian's story and she gladly accepted it and shared her son's story. She told me about the conference and I had seen a piece she wrote about her son Clinton in the Lamentations newsletter. I am very grateful to have my family nearby and my own personal "compassionate friends", some for 40-45 years now! But it had been 3 1/2 years since Brian left us and it was time to open up to others in the same situation. So I made the decision to attend.

** I feel that I expanded my territory of grief and love to include those that I met and their situations. Like those in the Space Between Breaths movie, I too have a desire and conviction and an urgency to reach out of myself in honor of Brian and for God's glory to others in need. I'm very thankful to the people who made this experience possible for so many.

Here are the lyrics to one of the songs from the soundtrack. Please pass this on to anyone who has experienced the loss of a child.

Love you forever Brian, Mom



Somewhere Between Heaven and Earth
Written and recorded by Cindy Bullens


I curse the night
I watched you slip away
Wouldn't have done no good
To beg you to stay

You were here beside me
But now you're gone
I'm just trying hard
To carry on

But there's no rhythm in the rain
There's no magic in the moon
There's no power in this pain
Till somewhere between heaven and earth
I can find you again

Hearts are broken
And dreams are lost
But I made a promise to love
At any cost

Little did I know
The price was so high
Losing forever
In the blink of an eye

There's no rhythm in the rain
There's no wishes in the stars
There's no power in this pain
'Till somewhere between heaven and earth
I can hold you again

If I could one more time
Feel your hand in mine
Hear your voice call my name
And whisper sweet good night

Then there'd be rhythm in the rain
There'd be magic in the moon
No such thing as love in vain
And somewhere between heaven and earth
You'd be with me again
And I could see you again
And I could hold you again, my baby
Somewhere between heaven and earth
I will see you again

Way to go Katelyn!
I told you you could do it!
WAHOOWAH!!!
Love, Brian

I had thoughts this week of a children's song about dandelions that Brian loved when he was little . And also thoughts about the bouquets of them he used to give me. Our yard to my delight alone I'm sure, was covered with them this April. Weeds they are, but the sight of them recollects for me, my children's dreams blown softly into the wind, warm sunny days, the joy of their sweet faces and the soft cushioned paths provided for them to play and walk on, that sprung back uncrushed and unbothered by their trampling feet. God's beautiful world! It keeps me going and growing.

"A weed is just a plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered." * Ralph Waldo Emerson

********
"Even for the dead I will not bind my soul to grief;
Death cannot long divide,
For is it not as though the rose that climbed my garden wall
Has blossomed on the other side?
Death doth hide,
But not divide;
Thou art but on Christ's other side!
Thour art with Christ, and Christ with me;
In Christ united still are we."

********
Mother o' Mine
by Rudyard Kipling


If I were hanged on the highest hill,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!
I know whose love would follow me still,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!

If I were drowned in the deepest sea,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!
I know whose tears would come down to me,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!

If I were damned of body and soul,
I know whose prayers would make me whole,
Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!

********

"Be strong, my soul!
Thy loved ones go
Within the veil. God's thine, even so;
Be stong."

********

"...Is it well with thy child? And she answered,
It is well." 2 Kings 4:26


I miss you on Mother's day, on every day, Brian.
And I love you so. Mom

Just recently a dream I had of Brian was included in a book, Special Dream. The author was going to include a dream about my father-n-law but surprised me and included the one about Brian as fitting in the category too. She said they both fit the criteria (see www.specialdream.org). Here are those 2 dreams and one other I had submitted.
******
In the summer of 2006 I had a dream about my grandmother who died at age 101 the summer of 1994 after my father in-law died that spring. I was young around 12 and she held my cheeks and planted a kiss on my forehead that I "knew" left a red lip imprint. She was young too, maybe 30ish. She was Norweigian and kind of popular when younger, then married my grandfather who became a minister, and they had 8 children. She was no-nonsense and stern when I knew her. So this was a different side of her-happier and carefree it seemed. Then I was back to my right age ,51, and I was watching from the side of the road as a bus was pulling off. In the right back side, each in their own seat were; my grandmother turned around and facing back, Brian aged 10 or so in the next seat behind her, looking out the window with a bright and shining face and waving to me smiling sweetly,and then facing forward in the seat behind him was my father-n-law talking to my grandmother!
I was happy when I woke from this dream. I felt like he was with relatives and fine.
*****
A few days after my father-n-laws funeral in 1994,I dreamed of sitting in a wooden armchair facing my sister-n-law, also in an armchair just like mine (we are a few days apart in age). There was a room with an arched open entryway to my right. Through that room sat my father-in-law- dressed in the familar way I always remember him-tan pants and copen blue izod polo shirt. He spoke to us in his greek accent and said slowly and deliberately, "Take care of the children". That was all, but it gave me chills when I woke up and remembered it. That is exactly something he would have said to us. I also felt blessed by the dream.

*****
This is the dream included in the book -
Summer 2007
I dreamed I was standing face to face with my son
Brian. He was about the age he was when he died, 22.I went toward him but couldn't get near him. I turned away, head hung, weeping and feeling so sad and dejected. He called out after me and reached out his arms and said "Come back mom, I love you". Upon waking and remembering the dream, I got teary. And I felt a sense of peace finally, as this was the first dream of many that I felt an understood connection with him.

About a month after this and nearing his 25th birthday,2 1/2 years since he died, I felt I let myself, let go. Let go of what I'm not sure, but it was a conscious release on my part. Maybe it was my need for reassurance, that sign from
heaven that he was okay. To me it was a relinquishment to God who has never left me, that Brian was in His terrritory now. I had faith and it was time to let it be.
*******

Love and miss you honey, mom

I know the pain I feel over Brian's death. I would like to acknowledge the pain and grief of all you young people who have supported us. I heard something on a radio broadcast about sibling grief, that they tend to put their feelings on the back burner till we-parents- "get better". I feel like you all may have been doing this to some extent and I want to thank you and acknowledge you, and release you from that responsibility.

So this goes out to Katelyn, Ashley, Ismail, Jeff, Dimitri, Kate, Mike, Andy, Lizzy, Eduardo, Holly, Idrese, Skandar, David, Ben, Alex, Elaina, Nastassia,Ryan, Eric, Alexis, CJ, Jarell,Leah,
Lara,Vanessa,Jeremy ..... and all others I haven't named who truly loved Brian and have your own experiences and feelings to sort out,your own healing going on. You've all meant so much to me- who you are, what you've shared.

Do great things with your lives!! God Bless and be with you all.

Love, Mrs. Christ (mom to some!)

p.s. Can someone email me and tell me what movie did the scene that Jeremy posted( Oct. 2005)come from?
Messages2lac@yahoo.com

your always in my thoughts and in my heart! miss you

Part of healing for me has come from music. There is a local group from Charlottesville (where Brian went to school),called Sons of Bill, who are a mix of rock, country & bluegrass, and who I think Brian would have liked. His sister does. She is working with music down there, and gave me one of their CDs, "A Far Cry From Freedom". Am putting a link here if anyone wants to hear their music. Also am putting the lyrics to "Roll on Jordan" which is very uplifting to me, & has a spiritual sound and feeling to it. It's about RELINQUISHING, which I have certainly done.

I know Brian had other tastes in music as well, jazz, early punk, etc., but he did also like bluegrass.

Also there are some links now on this site. The Lamb Center one is for the place Brian pointed out to me. (see post Jan. 15, 2007 on this site).

*****
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CDWMKmT79o
www.sonsofbill.com- go to "music" to hear songs.
*****

"Roll on Jordan by The Sons of Bill

Yea, in this old world we live in,
the government bought all the trains,
and there's a lot of lonely people,
they're all flying areo-planes,
And they think they're closer to heaven, Lord,
that is far from true,
You gotta take that ride on the river of Jordan,
see what a boy from Galilee can do,

So just,
Hey, Ho, let it go,
you're either gonna die young or you'll live to grow old,
and go down to the river where the water flows,
and like a southbound train it's gonna lead you home,
and let that bible belt holy roll,
I gotta Baptist choir singin' in my soul,
singin, roll on Jordan, roll
just singin',
roll on Jordan, roll


Yea, in this old world we live in boy,
it sure can get you down,
when you can't seem to get your head on straight,
and your feet back on the ground,
I think every little thing is gonna be alright,
it's all gonna be okay,
'cause the sun's been shining over my hometown,
and I gotta Savior who knows my name,

And just,
hey, ho, let it go,
you're either gonna die young or you'll live to grow old,
and go down to the river where the water flows,
and like a southbound train it's gonna lead you home,
and let that bible belt holy roll,
I've got a Baptist choir singin' in my soul,
singin' roll on Jordan, roll,
just singin',
roll on Jordan, roll"


Well, the Lord keeps me rolling on.

Brian, having you always in my heart and on the edge of my consciousness, is conforting and part of who I am now.
Remembering, missing and loving you forever-
mom

I'd like to post a note to Andy Chung, who found the email Brian wrote the night he died, and with it launched this website for Brian, which he also manages.

In your sense of loss and grief for Brian, Andy, you've given a lot of grieving people an avenue to express themselves and move through their own grief, and we thank you from our hearts. I know we could have done a webpage ourselves, or gone to one of the many grief sites to "talk", but thanks to you we didn't need to, and at that time, couldn't even begin to think of doing. Having this available to us has been more personal and really helpful as well.

I can picture and hear Brian directing me, "Mom, you can do this,just read the directions!", but as I told Andy, I am happy and grateful to have his technical support. So we thank you Andy for your contribution in keeping Brian's memory alive, and for a way to send a message to other's who may benefit from this site.

Gratefully,
Brian's family

I visited the Hidden Oaks Nature Center recently. There is a plaque near the Hidden Pond Rain Garden commemorating the victims of the 2001 terrorist attacks, and explaining the way the garden "works".

The plaque basically explains that the pond catches the storm water runoff from the sidewalk, road and parking lot. The low lying area serves as a soil filter to the chemicals and pollutants in the runoff water. The polutants attach to the soil and mulch after the roots of the plants use what they can, and are broken down by natural organisms. This improves the water quality and helps recharge the ground water.

I was very proud because although a girlscout troop, designed, planted and maintains the garden, in 2000, Brian and some of his fellow scouts and other friends, dug the ditch from the ever flooding parking lot and sidewalk, and placed 50 ft. of plastic piping in the ditch to replace the old one. This was to divert the standing water to the area where the pond was to be located. They also lined the pond for future use. This was his Eagle Scout project.

I was happy to see that 8 years later the project is working and feeding the Rain Garden as expected. It's a pretty site near Lake Accotink.
It brought back good memories as so many things do.

Two of the friends that helped Brian then on those very hot August days, along with two other friends, recently helped us with a move for one of his grandmothers. I was reminded of the Nature Center project when I saw them helping so graciously.

Brian, people remember you in all kinds of good ways. Love and miss you everyday, Mom

I've been helping my son study for an English mid-term exam and have been reading excerpts from his literature book. I came across an ancient inscription that was written on papyrus sometime between c.1300-1100 BC. It made me think of you Brian and why so many people that love you have visited and written on this website. The inscription reads as follows:

"Man dies, his body is dust, his family all brought low to the earth; but writing shall make him remembered, alive in the mouths of any who read."

Keeping you in my prayers --

Debbie Wright

It warms my heart to read all of the entries for Brian. Thank you all.

I found some cds of his that were favorites of mine when I was his age. I didn't know the extent to which he liked folk/blues/bluegrass. Here's a Bob Dylan song and beneath it a youtube site of Dylan and a group of great singers singing it with him. Also a line about the song's meaning perhaps:
"However its lyrics and in particular the refrain ("Ah, but I was so much older then/I'm younger than that now.") seem intended to mark a rejection of much of Dylan's earlier personal idealism, and disillusionment with the "protest scene" he was associated with."


My Back Pages

Crimson flames tied through my ears
Rollin' high and mighty traps
Pounced with fire on flaming roads
Using ideas as my maps
"We'll meet on edges, soon," said I
Proud 'neath heated brow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Half-wracked prejudice leaped forth
"Rip down all hate," I screamed
Lies that life is black and white
Spoke from my skull. I dreamed
Romantic facts of musketeers
Foundationed deep, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Girls' faces formed the forward path
From phony jealousy
To memorizing politics
Of ancient history
Flung down by corpse evangelists
Unthought of, though, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

A self-ordained professor's tongue
Too serious to fool
Spouted out that liberty
Is just equality in school
"Equality," I spoke the word
As if a wedding vow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect
Good and bad, I define these terms
Quite clear, no doubt, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bUch5dveX0


Just sharing some music Brian liked.

*****
I am thinking of doing a fundraiser for a group- a father and son who are both recovered addicts- who work to transform drug addicts lives at a Rescue Mission, through running half to full marathons. Brian saw the link to recovery in this and tried to start running himself. A little too much all at once, left him with a knee injury. Then he didn't pursue it anymore. He was overwhelmed with what he "should" do.

Maybe Brian saw how running/moving isn't to please anyone else just something you do for yourself. I think he tried to please everyone and do everthing to prove his worth to himself. He didn't know we just loved him for who he is.

A friend of mine who runs marathons and whose heart is in this cause too, brought this group to my attention and is helping me with it. More to come on this.

In the new year I'm thankful for God's hope and promises and great love for all of us for being just who we are-His creations all with many different talents and dreams. Thankyou God for seeing my son through your loving eyes.

I love you and miss you Brian, Mom

Dear Brian,
Now that I know how to get into your website again, Happy belated birthday from September 16th.
My deepest thoughts and prayers were with you on December 15th and Merry Xmas to you. Holidays aren't the same.
I remember the day you were born-how much hope and love you brought into our family. You were the first child, the first son, the first grandson and my first nephew and we were all on a glorious high with your birth. I was so proud to have a new baby nephew. I would always brag about you to my teacher friends and show them pictures as you grew over the years. You provided me with hopes and dreams of one day having my own baby boy. I use to come home on week-ends just to see you. I remember how happy Anthony was and how proud he was to have you for a son. I remember you used to cross your legs when your dad did and sit the way he did when you were with him. I remember when you came to stay with me in my condo and we walked on the golf course and you found a golf ball and I rented out a movie for you. I remember when I took you to the duck pond to feed the ducks and you slipped in the mud but were very cool about it. We had fun feeding the ducks and went for ice-cream afterward. I remember when you and your mom helped me move into my condo and you liked my yellow bean bag chair and enjoyed sitting in it.
I was glad to have the help that day. I remember the hot pink heart shape lock you gave me for valentine's day and your mom said that you picked it out. That has always been a keepsake to me and is still treasured in my desk drawer! I remember when you walked onto the dock in Ocean City, with Krislyn and Jonathan, to feed the birds and ducks with breadcrumbs that Yiayia gave you. I remember your "cool" haircuts always made a fashion statement with those beautiful blond bangs. You were the cutest nephew I ever saw! I remember how badly I wanted you to be the ring barer in my wedding but didn't want to hurt Uncle Steve's nephews' feelings so asked you all to be ushers together. I always regretted that. I wished that I had just followed my gut and had you as my ring barer! I remember how you and Dean and Christopher and George built an awesome fort in the woods in our backyard at the reception of Krislyn's Christening. You were quite the archetects! I was so proud of you! I remember how granddaddy was always so proud of you and would rave and brag about you each time I came home and always with a twinkle in his eye! He knew of your intelligence since you were out of the womb. He used to say, "look how alert he is", when you were just a newborn!
I remember how proud granddaddy was to share his life with you when you had to interview him for a homework assignment. He used to say, "that Brian, he's something! "We would all agree! After Granddaddy passed on,
I remember how you always helped yiayia with her yardwork, no matter what the season and how you would bring all your friends over to shovel the snow, rake the leaves or clean up the debris.
I remember how yiayia was also so very proud of you and loves you very much and how Yiayia always called Jonathan Brian and still does. I remember when I was 7 months pregnant with Jonathan and reportcards needed to be done on the computer and the computer I brought home from school was defective. You comforted me in knowing that I could call you 24/7 and that you would walk me through them and you did just that. I got all the reportcards done with your help, and never could have done them without you.
I remember that you were my computer expert over the years and that I always called on you with my computer questions and problems and you were always a genius at problem solving with technology. You were always my hero! I remember how the kids looked forward to your magic and jokes over the holidays and couldn't quite figure out how you made the penny dissappear. I remember that you and I loved the spanakopeta more than everyone else and Yiayia always wanted to make sure we each got plenty of left overs to take with us. I remember how you came to my school when I went back to teaching and you helped me set up all the technology in my classroom and hung the childrens' artwork high for me, higher than I could reach. All the teachers were complimenting on what a nice boy you were and wished they had a personal computer expert to set up their technology. I remember how I complained that the school I was in was so old and you said that the old ones are better because they are more "authentic" and that made me feel at home in my new and unfamiliar surroundings. I remember waving good-bye as you drove off that day and you had just informed me that you were on your way back to Charlottsville. I thought you were on break but you had plans and still found time to come out to Reston and help me set up my classroom. Brian you were an exceptional human being. Your friends know it, your family knows it and its about time that you know it. What I didn't realize as you drove off waving good-bye to me that day, was that it was going to be one of the last times that I would be seeing you! I remember at your wake when your mom and dad held hands and walked up to your casket to say their last Good-bye and how that was the most heart-wrenching moment of my life. My dear nephew Brian, you will always be a part of our lives. It continues to fill my eyes with tears to see how many lives you have touched and how loved you are by so many people. You are thought of often and will continue to be a part of our lives for the rest of our lives. Until we meet again...
Much Love, Adoration and Respect,
Aunt Ianthe

Dear Brian,
Once again, my eyes fill with tears as I read how much all your friends love and miss you. My thoughts and prayers are with you forever.

Very recently, a friend provided me with this quote, and for the first time in the past 3 years I've finally felt some comfort in your passing:

"Missing someone gets easier every day, because even though it is one day farther from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next time you will."

I didn't forget about this day. You and your family will always be in my prayers. Happy Holidays:-)

It is hard to believe that it has been 3 years since Brian left us and went to the Lord.

Recently heard these words that sounded like Brian. "It's funny how God seems to take the special ones too soon."

Brian, you will live on in our hearts forever.

We miss you and love you.

As Ismail speaks of the days that have gone by since Brian left us and the days he spent with him, I realize that time doesn't have the contraints it used to for me. It's not measured the same by me anymore, as I have put so much into God's hands. It's His time and His time is Past, Present and Future, never-ending. Too hard to fathom sometimes-The Awesome Mystery of God- but the impression of it is deep on my heart.

Others speak to my heart and sometimes say better what I am feeling. I'd like to share an exerpt from an old book I found at a thrift store.

"Here on this earth we are gathered together in families. Our loved ones become inexpressibly precious to us. We live in intimate associations. One gets so close to mother and father, wife or husband, sons and daughters, that they literally become a part of one's very life. Then comes a day when a strange change comes over one we love.

He is transformed before our very eyes. The light of life goes out of him. He cannot speak to us nor we to him. He is gone and we are left stunned and hearbroken. An emptiness and loneliness comes into our hearts. We broken-heartedly say, 'That one whom I loved is dead.' It is such a cold, hopeless thing to realize.

Then, out of the very depths of our despair, like the melody of music coming form a mighty organ, like the refreshing sound of rippling waters, comes that marvelous declaration of our Lord:

"I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die."
John 11:25,26

Then we know! We know we have not lost our loved ones who have died. We have been separated, and so long as we live there will be an empty place left in our hearts. To some extent, the loneliness will always be there. But when we really know that one is not forever lost, it does take away the sorrow. There is a vast difference between precious memories, loneliness, the pain of separation, on the one hand, and a sorrow that ruins and blights our lives, on the other."
From When A Loved One Has Died,
by Charles L. Allen

After Brian died I could have easily closed off my life to the rest of the world. But God, through my family and friends, wouldn't let me do that. I deliberatley close it off instead and without isolation, with intentional prayer-the more time spent in prayer the more you seek it out. "Life is fragile, handle with prayer" is the message inscribed on an angel figurine my lifelong friend just gave me.

I plan to live the rest of my life with intention and in the best manner that I can and I know this is true for you readers who loved Brian so. I pray you turn your sights to God to help you along your way. To the best fullfilment of our being here.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeramiah 29:11

****Brian, my dear child- I miss you and long for you, but mourn no more. I know I will see you again.
"God will wipe away every tear from their eyes: there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying" Revelation 21:4

You, Brian, are and will always be, on the edge of our consciousness and in our hearts. Until we meet again****

We love you now and forever-
Mom, Dad, Katelyn and Ashley

i probably won't make it out to see you at your service tomorrow since i'll be up for a while tonite working on the backend of this site. wish you the best :)

I wish I was able to be there on Saturday for the ceremoney. Brian, Eduardo and I are thinking of you and your family from WA.
We miss you so much!
Love, Lizzy

So before I started writing this note I had a long talk with Brian's dad, not about Brian but about life insurance. Yea pretty morbid, but I suppose its something I should consider

I then thought what Brian would think if his dad suggested to him that he should buy life insurance. I then started laughing real hard thinking of the arguments they would get into, and that look that Brian would give his father when he was in total annoyance with him. Literally to the point of tears

I then thought what would Brian think of me writing another long note about him after all that I have written the last 3 years about the guy. Literally 10s of thousands of words, all usually telling some silly story of our past. He would probably mock me, tell me to stop being so emotional and take a shot of some awful whiskey

Well it is the 3rd year since we lost Brian and yet those memories of him are still bold, still vivid, still there. The reminders are constant at parties, weddings (is it just me or have there been way too many weddings recently), or when those of us in grad school are working on some absurd problem for class, where we would have asked Brian for some help.

Even though we have careers, relationships, school, planning a wedding, those of us that knew him always have him in the back of our mind, thinking "he should be here"

All of us has a specific story or moment with the guy, usually a moment that made us crack up laughing because of a dry comment he would make. And when we think back to it, we start laughing, and laughing more realizing he was dead serious in what he was saying yet it managed to crack us up.

Along with the laughter is that the guy was always there, he always was a friend if you knew him. Once you met him, it is hard to think of an event Brian was NOT at, or a moment where Brian wasn't available to help you somehow. Lord knows how many of us utilized that big brown van he drove around at vicious speeds back in high school and the early part of college. Or when those of us who were not so math inclined asked him for help

Most of us this is just rambling thoughts, its tough to put the time or energy into something well written and organized like I have done the past few years. But I think that Brian would eventually want that, he'd hate to think we were expending energy on him 3 years after the fact. Brian would want us to "move on" and not worry about him.

Obviously none of us can just move on from our expierence with Brian, but take the expierences we had with him and hope that at some point in our life we'll be able to replicate something so special. Because those 6,200+ days I spent with Brian were pretty damn special

Rest in peace Brian, 1,095 days after we lost you we still miss you

With love

Ismail

Tomorrow morning, at 10 am, at Brian's gravesite we will have a short rememberance ceremony for Brian

Please be there promptly at 10 if you can

I Will Light Candles This Christmas
(by Howard Thurman)

I will light Candles this Christmas
Candles of joy despite all sadness,
Candles of hope where despair keeps watch,
Candles of courage for fears ever present,
Candles of peace for tempest-tossed days,
Candles of grace to ease heavy burdens.
Candles of love to inspire all my living,
Candles that will burn all the yearlong.

Thinking of you and your family
Love,
Debbie Wright

Here is a link to the WSJ article:

Colleges Move Boldly
On Student Drinking by Elizabeth Bernstein

Here is a link to the WSJ article:

http://tinyurl.com/2tgc8a

Tommorrow. Dec. 6th, in the Wall Street Journal, there will be a piece on the front page of the Personal section about Parental Notification Policies, mentioning Brian and us. Possibly after Christmas there will be another article by the same reporter about Heroin and Brian will be mentioned in that as well.

Brian,
Just wanted to let you know, i havent forgotten about you, ive been busy with my first year of college, which you would be surprised about! All those years of helping me with my homework, may have payed off! thank you for always putting the effort into helping me, and caring enough to do so. Thanksgiving just passed, and its hard every holiday because you arent there, mom wants to go to disney this year for chirstmas, bet you would have loved that! Nothings the same without you, i miss you, but your still my hero, and always will be. I think of you everyday, and i know your watching. I love you.
- your little sister, ashley <3

Kate

I remember driving you and Brian to Dulles Airport the day you left and thinking to myself "I can't wait until we get to go on these vacations with our wives"

It is amazing what kind of plans we had back then and how during the summer of 2001 everything we thought of seemed so possible, it was inevitable we would have it all

Thanks for those pictures

I dug up some photos of Brian in Greece in 2001, which bring back nice memories.





Dancing center stage at "Greek Night" in Pefkos





On a donkey up to the Lindos Acropolis





At the Valley of the Butterflies on Rhodes



[click image to enlarge]

I got the following email from a friend. I found it comforting and thought-provoking and thought other readers of this site might garner comfort from it as well. We all have struggles of one type or another during our time here on earth. It helps to remember how much our attitude matters. And it's good to remember that God is always with us...

* * *

Tony Snow Testimony

This is an outstanding testimony from Tony Snow, President Bush's Press Secretary, and his fight with cancer. Commentator and broadcaster Tony Snow announced that he had colon cancer in 2005. Following surgery and chemo-therapy, Snow joined the Bush Administration in April 2006 as press secretary. Unfortunately, on March 23, 2007, Snow, 51, a husband and father of three, announced the cancer had recurred, with tumors found in his abdomen,- leading to surgery in April, followed by more chemotherapy. Snow went back to work in the White House Briefing Room on May 30, but has resigned since, "for economic reasons," and to pursue " other interests."

It needs little intro... it speaks for itself.

----------------------------------------------------

"Blessings arrive in unexpected packages, - in my case, cancer. Those of us with potentially fatal diseases - and there are millions in America today - find ourselves in the odd position of coping with our mortality while trying to fathom God's will. Although it would be the height of presumption to declare with confidence "What It All Means," Scripture provides powerful hints and consolations.

The first is that we shouldn't spend too much time trying to answer the "why" questions: Why me? Why must people suffer? Why can't someone else get sick? We can't answer such things, and the questions themselves often are designed more to express our anguish than to solicit an answer.

I don't know why I have cancer, and I don't much care. It is what it is, a plain and indisputable fact. Yet even while staring into a mirror darkly, great and stunning truths begin to take shape. Our maladies define a central feature of our existence: We are fallen. We are imperfect. Our bodies give out.

But despite this, - or because of it, - God offers the possibility of salvation and grace. We don't know how the narrative of our lives will end, but we get to choose how to use the interval between now and the moment we meet our Creator face-to-face.

Second, we need to get past the anxiety. The mere thought of dying can send adrenaline flooding through your system. A dizzy, unfocused panic seizes you. Your heart thumps; your head swims. You think of nothingness and swoon. You fear partings; you worry about the impact on family and friends. You fidget and get nowhere.

To regain footing, remember that we were born not into death, but into life,- and that the journey continues after we have finished our days on this earth. We accept this on faith, but that faith is nourished by a conviction that stirs even within many non believing hearts - an intuition that the gift of life, once given, cannot be taken away. Those who have been stricken enjoy the special privilege of being able to fight with their might, main, and faith to live fully, richly, exuberantly - no matter how their days may be numbered.

Third, we can open our eyes and hearts. God relishes surprise. We want lives of simple, predictable ease,- smooth, even trails as far as the eye can see, - but God likes to go off-road. He provokes us with twists and turns. He places us in predicaments that seem to defy our endurance; and comprehension - and yet don't. By His love and grace, we persevere. The challenges that make our hearts leap and stomachs churn invariably strengthen our faith and grant measures of wisdom and joy we would not experience otherwise.

'You Have Been Called'. Picture yourself in a hospital bed. The fog of anesthesia has begun to wear away. A doctor stands at your feet, a loved one holds your hand at the side. "It's cancer," the healer announces.

The natural reaction is to turn to God and ask him to serve as a cosmic Santa. "Dear God, make it all go away. Make everything simpler." But another voice whispers: "You have been called." Your quandary has drawn you closer to God, closer to those you love, closer to the issues that matter,- and has dragged into insignificance the banal concerns that occupy our "normal time."

There's another kind of response, although usually short-lived an inexplicable shudder of excitement, as if a clarifying moment of calamity has swept away everything trivial and tiny, and placed before us the challenge of important questions.

The moment you enter the Valley of the Shadow of Death, things change. You discover that Christianity is not something doughy, passive, pious, and soft. Faith may be the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. But it also draws you into a world shorn of fearful caution. The life of belief teems with thrills, boldness, danger, shocks, reversals, triumphs, and epiphanies. Think of Paul, traipsing through the known world and contemplating trips to what must have seemed the antipodes (Spain), shaking the dust from his sandals, worrying not about the morrow, but only about the moment.

There's nothing wilder than a life of humble virtue, - for it is through selflessness and service that God wrings from our bodies and spirits the most we ever could give, the most we ever could offer, and the most we ever could do.

Finally, we can let love change everything. When Jesus was faced with the prospect of crucifixion, he grieved not for himself, but for us. He cried for Jerusalem before entering the holy city. From the Cross, he took on the cumulative burden of human sin and weakness, and begged for forgiveness on our behalf.

We get repeated chances to learn that life is not about us, that we acquire purpose and satisfaction by sharing in God's love for others. Sickness gets us part way there. It reminds us of our limitations and dependence. But it also gives us a chance to serve the healthy. A minister friend of mine observes that people suffering grave afflictions often acquire the faith of two people, while loved ones accept the burden of two peoples' worries and fears.

'Learning How to Live'. Most of us have watched friends as they drifted toward God's arms, not with resignation, but with peace and hope. In so doing, they have taught us not how to die, but how to live. They have emulated Christ by transmitting the power and authority of love.

I sat by my best friend's bedside a few years ago as a wasting cancer took him away. He kept at his table a worn Bible and a 1928 edition of the Book of Common Prayer. A shattering grief disabled his family, many of his old friends, and at least one priest. Here was an humble and very good guy, someone who apologized when he winced with pain because he thought it made his guest uncomfortable. He retained his equanimity and good humor literally until his last conscious moment. "I'm going to try to beat [this cancer]," he told me several months before he died. "But if I don't, I'll see you on the other side."

His gift was to remind everyone around him that even though God doesn't promise us tomorrow, he does promise us eternity, - filled with life and love we cannot comprehend, - and that one can in the throes of sickness point the rest of us toward timeless truths that will help us weather future storms.

Through such trials, God bids us to choose: Do we believe, or do we not? Will we be bold enough to love, daring enough to serve, humble enough to submit, and strong enough to acknowledge our limitations? Can we surrender our concern in things that don't matter so that we might devote our remaining days to things that do?

When our faith flags, he throws reminders in our way. Think of the prayer warriors in our midst. They change things, and those of us who have been on the receiving end of their petitions and intercessions know it. It is hard to describe, but there are times when suddenly the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and you feel a surge of the Spirit. Somehow you just know: Others have chosen, when talking to the Author of all creation, to lift us up, - to speak of us!

This is love of a very special order. But so is the ability to sit back and appreciate the wonder of every created thing. The mere thought of death somehow makes every blessing vivid, every happiness more luminous and intense. We may not know how our contest with sickness will end, but we have felt the ineluctable touch of God.

What is man that Thou art mindful of him? We don't know much, but we know this: No matter where we are, no matter what we do, no matter how bleak or frightening our prospects, each and every one of us who believe, each and every day, lies in the same safe and impregnable place, in the hollow of God's hand." T. Snow

P.S.

I forgot to give the name of a website that is really beautiful if you're interested.

www.theinterviewwithgod.com

Gosh those pictures are kind of hard to look at. I'm happy to see my son, his smile, his humor. But too, I see my son, struggling and hiding his pain.

A story***
It was in February, 2 months after Brian died. I was alone and decided to head out on a Saturday afternoon down Rt.7W, and attempt to work my way through the outlets out that way. A diversion on a cold and dreary day in what could sometimes feel like a cold and dreary life, I had found out in the worst way.
I got a 1/2 mile or so past Tysons Corner and spied a big snowy field where my daughter had played soccer in the fall. Without hesitation or thought, I turned right, down the road to the field that was adjacent to a school, gladly abandoning the outlet idea.
The parking lot was deserted and it was cold and windy, but welcoming the solitude, I parked, got out and began to walk. I walked quickly, hoping each step would take me somewhere I needed to go. I couldn't divert my grief with ordinary things that day, I couldn't release it out of my body with the fast pace I walked. Truth is, I wanted to run in that field and never stop running. The tears welled up in my eyes and soon flowed in warm paths down the cold skin on my cheeks. I let them flow.
As I circled the lot a third or forth time, to my right and down in the far parking lot, I suddenly noticed an older man walking too. I wasn't alarmed, just surprised to see someone else out in the snow and slush. I pulled myself up emotionally and became more alert and aware of my surroundings.
Our paths finally crossed and we slowed to greet each other. He had a friendly face and was in his 70's. We spoke of the snow on the ground being pretty and he said he liked it but wasn't used to it in Pakistan where he lived. He was visiting his son, who he planned to help find a wife for while he was here.
I spoke of my son's best friend whose family was from Pakistan and all the fun times we had with them. He invited me to come and visit him there anytime with my family. He was a magistrate and would love to show us around. We were warming up to be fast friends on that cold winter day.
"Do you have a piece of paper?" he said and he would write down his name, address and phone. I felt at ease and strangely curious about this encounter, so going to my car and opening it for pen and paper did not seem out of the question to me. As he was writing and standing within arms reach he asked, "How is your son?".
That led from casual conversation into familiarity. Trusting that transition, I pulled down the sun visor in the car and reached for an envelope that secured pictures of Brian. With a shaky voice I replied, "He died 2 months ago, of a drug overdose". I began explaining some of the situation. He listened with such care and then reached with both hands toward me, cupping my face in them and wiping away the tears with his thumbs. He said quietly, "A son is a very special and important thing. I will pray for you and for his soul. Don't worry, he'll be okay".
He hugged me like a grandfather would and I felt such a sense of belonging and comfort from a total stranger.
I watched him as he turned to wave and walked toward some nearby houses, and wondered if he would not just disapear as he went up that road. I really thought I had met up with an angel that day.


I'm appreciative to have been touched by people like this and hope I can help others in turn. If we see someone down and out or needy in someway, who is to help them? You are, I am. When? When we have more resources, or more people with us? No, right then and there. The here and now.


Brian and I had a lot of discussions when I drove him around to school and work, during that 9 months he was with us in recovery. We both agreed -that smile you give someone- just might save their life. Nothing is too small a gesture, especially in the eyes of God.

Love and miss you Brian, Mom

brian,

halloween was just a couple days ago and i was reminded of the last halloween i spent with you. i dug around for some pics and found two. i'm pretty sure when i asked what you were dressed up as, you replied "some random cool guy" which still makes me chuckle.

Hello all, I stumbled upon this page again. Years later, this the top hit for Brian's name. I think about him a lot. I am happy to see Brian's friends and family diligently posting to this site.

This is an excerpt from a letter my dad wrote to Brian when he was at Hazelden.

"You probably don't remember, but when you were a little rascal and we took care of you during the day, you loved to swing on a swing I had make for the tree outside our side door. One day I was swinging you back and forth, and Grandma was standing nearby. All of a sudden (you were about 3 1/2-4) you blurted out-and this is exactly what you said, and I and Grandma will never forget it-'I could swing forever. I love to feel the breeze on my face.' We couldn't believe you could, at that age, put together a statement with such meaning. Well, Brian, I firmly believe you'll overcome all of this and you'll then always feel the breeze on your face. ...That's it for now. ... Let us know how you're doing.... tell us whatever you may want to say. We'll be praying for you and asking Jesus to help you.... Again, Brian, we love you dearly...we'll always be proud of you and hope and wish for the best, now and in the future."

Brian kept this letter with letters I wrote, and some Psalms I had sent, a letter his dad wrote and letter from his sisters and one friend. He didn't save much and these are amoung the only personal things we have left from him. Obviously important enough for him to keep. A little to hold on to.

Thinking of you now and always Brian.
Love Mom and Dad, Katelyn and Ashley

Happy b-day

Happy Birthday Brian!
We love you and miss you!

Happy birthday, Brian!

Happy 25th birthday Brian. I can only imagine the party we would have had tonight

Here is to you my friend

Dear Brian,

Tomorrow would have been your 25th Birthday -- celebrate with the angels! I'm sure it will be a bittersweet day for your family. They love you dearly and miss you deeply and will continue to keep you forever in their hearts. Your birthday is also a day to celebrate your life, give thanks to God for the time He gave you with your family and reflect upon how you impacted the lives of so many others. While I did not know you well and for the most part watched you grow from a distance, I saw you as a bright, talented and tenacious young man with parents that were most proud.

Recently, your mother gave my son some things that belonged to you, including your bike. I know it was difficult for her to part with your belongings and feel honored that she thought enough of our friendship to give my son a small part of her heart. But that is just how she is --a dear friend, a beautiful soul, and a mother who will unconditionally love her children forever. Since your death, she has been a pillar of strength for her family, putting all of her trust in God who has, without a doubt, guided her through her darkest hour and most difficult journey. She is an inspiration to us all.

Every time I see my son head out to his life-guarding job on your bike, I think of you, the happy days you spent as a young boy and just how much you are loved.

Blessings to you and your family

With Love,
Debbie Wright

A friend of mine recalled a story to me, that so clearly brought Brian's image into focus, and joy
and laughter to my heart. She remembered the time
Brian's dad and I, and Brian were helping her move. Brian wasn't doing alot of helping as he was about 2 1/2 years old. He spotted a fly, she said, and grabbed a screwdriver to help him chase it down. A while passed pursuing the fly with no success and he finally said in exasperation, "I need a flyswatter!". She saw the engineering mind at work even at 2 1/2 years old.

My mom has lots of stories about him when he was
little. My parents (and in- laws too) watched him for us until he was about 3, when I was working evening shifts and Tony was in night school. Like clockwork my mom said, when he heard his dad's voice at the back door, he'd start to chuckle, then run and hide under the arm chair. His head and shoulders were hidden, his eyes were covered, but the rest of him was very conspicuous. Of course his dad and his grandma would play along, while he remained completely still and silent. Then his dad would "find" him. Laughter and
hugs would follow.

Lots of things I didn't witness but love hearing
about.

Next month on Sept. 16th it would have been Brian's 25th birthday. I'm requesting for postings during that time, that people think now about one time spent with Brian they could share that is meaningful to them. A memory, an event, an impression. Along with all of our feelins and emotions, I would love to have your specific stories representing him and your friendships
with him. More for my memory bank.

We are blessed with so many memories and reading your memories are a blessing too.


So many people have told us the cholces their children have made to avoid alchol and drugs because of Brian. Other people are referring to him in essays and articles, speaking to classrooms, to large groups of students and parents at college orientations, to fellow workers, to family members and to stangers they meet, openly sharing Brian's story. We thank them and thank God.

I know there are many religious views represented amoung those who read this site. I can only express my beliefs and faith as I know them through the God that I worship.

*** My prayer of thanksgiving***

Thank you God, for turning darkness into light. For turning tragedy into triumph. For the hope and promises in your Word. Through Christ our Lord
Amen

Brian, we love and miss you, Mom

In all of the pictures on our piano, I've noticed that Brian is either standing behind everyone else or to the extreem left or right of others... an out of place angel of sorts.
If you took scissors to the photos, in other words, you could cut him out without misplacing a hair on anyone else's head.
I don't mention this to show how easily Brian can be removed, but rather to point out how ironic it is that something so inconsequential can simply take him away.

it would be cool if you'd check your photos to see who is looking over you

I made another trip to your beach house this past weekend where we spent many summers at

Your presence is everywhere in that place. Your pictures on the wall, and everytime I go to Anthony's I think of the times we were there getting free sandwhiches

Beachweek in 2000, how can I ever forget that week

Going there prompted me to look back, I really haven't in a while even though I have thought about you lots in the past few months

Thinking about those times in the Atlantic Ocean, or Jolly Roger. Thinking about those times driving mini race cars on the track in OC

I always talk about you with new people I meet. Co-workers, strangers, whomever, but your story is deep in me, something that I can't forget, and I can't stop talking about. Lately I have been looking back more

Mrs. Christ,

I just read your June 18th posting and felt compelled to respond. Brian would always come hear my dad's band play around Arlington, VA with some of our friends. He'd consistantly request the Kris Kirstofferson song that you mentioned.
I remember once another member in the band remembered how to play it and my dad and the rest of the band played at least the melody and chorus.. Brian sung along to us all. Not being familiar with the song before, I never realized the words until I just read them in your posting.
Take Care. Your son is always in my thoughts and prayers. We miss him so very much.

The other day at 4:30 in the morning, I seemed to suddenly, wake up and be up out of bed, in the same instant. The chorus to Paul Simon's "Mother and Child Renuion" was playing in my mind. Over and over my mind sang to me, "No I would not give you false hope, on this strange and mournful day, but the mother and child reunion is only a motion away. Oh little darling of mine, I can't for the life of me, remember a sader day, I know they say let it be...". I hadn't heard or thought of that song in a very long time. It was hard to go back to sleep.

Sometimes, I will get very specific thoughts, and I pay specific attention to them, making mental notes or writing them down at times. Sometimes they penetrate and hinder sleep. Clear and persistent they generally clarify or give a solution to something I have been pondering, or give direction in some way.

In this instance & out of curiosity I later looked up possible meanings for these lyrics. The title was derived from a chicken and egg dish at a Chinese Restaurant! But P. Simon says he wrote lyrics based on thoughts about the instantaneous nature of, and loss felt at someone's physical death and the continued emotional connection. Anyway, I am thankful for the connection I have with God through prayer, and for the assurance I have from His word and His love and His unchanging nature. "When we pray we immediately become subject to the most powerful force in the universe."

IThessalonians 5:17-18 *** "Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

Brian, our thoughts and our love are always with you, mom

i always think about you when i drive by your old place on jpa and when my stuff's drying at Suds.
love-always-katelyn

I have been thinking about you very much lately

Its hard for me to think we lost you in 2004, and somehow we had to keep going in our lives and figuring out a way to live it without you here

Milestones come and go, people move to far off places and to the other coast, but you are still very close to me, and I do cherish those fun fun times we had together

I have been thinking about you very much lately

Its hard for me to think we lost you in 2004, and somehow we had to keep going in our lives and figuring out a way to live it without you here

Milestones come and go, people move to far off places and to the other coast, but you are still very close to me, and I do cherish those fun fun times we had together

FYI-go to www.pilotonline.com (Richmond newspaper) - click on news, then opinion, then more editorials, to see the article written by Margaret Edds, June 17,2007 - "Their Parents Have a Right to Know". It is about Brian. Lots of differing views on the issue.

I just want to say that I haven't forgotten you, and I still think about you every day. Mostly I replay the same memories in my head over and over again, but it's a wonderful surprise when I remember something I hadn't remembered before. You know, those things that I was counting on you to remember: our memories.

You never know when it will come over you. The emotion that opens up the wound, and the tears that follow. When it does it can be subtle or it can slam right into you and open your heart to bleed like a dam. The only reason I don't bleed out, is the Holy Spirit within my heart is bountiful and replinishing. This allows me to visit the pain without being consumed. And to learn from it.

The other day I was hit hard and directly when I put in a cd Brian had compiled, and the changer went right to a song I had not listened to before. Music has that direct link to the mind and heart. Those who are musical have a great spiritual gift. It can definetly release that cascade of tears and feelings. (You know, there is no "closure", but a perspective and a healing.)

In the spring of 2004, when Brian was just back from the treament program at Hazelden, his youngest sister, he and I, went to visit their other sister in Harrisonburg. It was a pretty drive through the rolling countryside and we were listening to this cd at Brian's urging and at the protesting of Ashley. Soon though, we were all singing outloud, enjoying the music and living for the moment. Since we found out about Brian's addiction we had all been trying hard to live minute to minute, hour to hour, day by day. One of those times.

The cd had mostly Johnny Cash, with a variety of other folk/ bluegrass artists. He picked the songs for a reason- they spoke to him in some way. The song I referred to above is by Kris Kirstofferson, sung by Johnny Cash.
From a lyric site*** "Kris Kristofferson wanted people to feel the loss and lonliness of a soul that uses drugs and alcohol. The sound of church bells and Sunday School songs was the answer."

I was slammed with those very feelings when I listened to this song. I was hit so hard with what Brian must have felt.

*************
"Sunday Morning Coming Down"

Well, I woke up Sunday morning
With no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.
And the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad,
So I had one more for dessert.
Then I fumbled in my closet through my clothes
And found my cleanest dirty shirt.
Then I washed my face and combed my hair
And stumbled down the stairs to meet the day.

I'd smoked my mind the night before
With cigarettes and songs I'd been picking.
But I lit my first and watched a small kid
Playing with a can that he was kicking.
Then I walked across the street
And caught the Sunday smell of someone frying chicken.
And Lord, it took me back to something that I'd lost
Somewhere, somehow along the way.

On a Sunday morning sidewalk,
I'm wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cause there's something in a Sunday
That makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothing short a' dying
That's half as lonesome as the sound
Of the sleeping city sidewalk
And Sunday morning coming down.

In the park I saw a daddy
With a laughing little girl that he was swinging.
And I stopped beside a Sunday school
And listened to the songs they were singing.
Then I headed down the street,
And somewhere far away a lonely bell was ringing,
And it echoed through the canyon
Like the disappearing dreams of yesterday.

On a Sunday morning sidewalk,
I'm wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cause there's something in a Sunday
That makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothing short a' dying
That's half as lonesome as the sound
Of the sleeping city sidewalk
And Sunday morning coming down.

********

Brian felt the weight of his decisions greatly and was trying so hard to accept and relinquish to God, what he realized he couldn't change himself. We, felt the weight of our parenting & behaviors that could have contributed to his situation, and are accepting and reliquishing those things. Acceptance and relinquishment vs. resignation. Positive vs. negative.

I am reminded of Brian sometimes at the daytime homeless shelter where I help out doing laundry(see Jan 15, 2007 entry). It is a blessing to hand to someone a clean bag of their only possessions in the world. Or to clasp the dirty, dry hand and hug the shoulders of a young man shaking from crack cocaine withdrawl who is telling me half hopefully and half without conviction, of his plans to enter treatment the next day. This is not a rehab center but serves people from many circumstances. People who could be your neighbor one day and in a hopeless situation the next.
From the shelter's vol. handout***

"The central work of our ministry is to pursue a relationship with each one God brings so that we can begin to penetrate the isolation in which so many wither and encourage their relationship with God....your service here is a ministry and on many days your willingness to RECEIVE will be even more important than your willingness to give."
For donations or information-The Lamb Center.com


Love and miss you Brian, Mom

*****a bereavememt story****

The Water Bug Story

"Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another, "One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she's going?" Up, up, up it slowly went... Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another... " Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third... No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs gathered its friends together. "I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why." "We promise" they said solemnly.

One spring day not long after the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water and fallen into the broad and free lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come over his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings... The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from his new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself above the water.

He had become a dragonfly. Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere.

By and by the new dragonfly landed happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

Then the dragonfly remembered the promise. without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air...

Dear God, please remember my loved one who has left the pond we live in...and remember me..."

A little simplistic?

"Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein.
And He took them up in his arms and blessed them." Mark 10:15-16

Thinking of you, love mom

Brian's sister, Katelyn, posted here in April of 2005, that she would be "walking the lawn" at UVA for both of them when she graduated. Well, she hasn't graduated but today she walked across the stage to accept a BS degree in Electrical Engineering, awarded posthumously to Brian. It was highly emotional and hard, but something we definetly wanted to accept. We are very grateful to The University for the gesture. It was what he planned, wished and hoped for and something he continued to pursue even when he was in recovery.

We have been in contact with the school concerning the issue of changing their parental notification policy (related to information we came across from clinic files on Brian-see my postings of Nov. 2005). Although only a piece of the pie and not the cause of Brian's addiction, no notification to us of certain events and behaviors that they were aware of, we feel, helped allow addictive behaviors to take hold and grow for a long time while he attended there, without interruption, without our knowledge and without giving us a chance to intervene quickly and early on. Again, a piece of the pie. We missed things and made mistakes, and we take responsibility for those, but wish we could have had this hard evidence of a problem, and we know that other parents have been in the same situation.

The school's awarding the degree could be seen as trying to apease us, but I truly feel they have acted genuinely and with real regret and sympathy for our loss.

So we thank them for this honor today and hope, that what we have presented to them of our experience, will be considered.

Brian, a lot of people took notice of you today. Your story continues to make people look inward, and look for answers. I know I am changed forever. We love you and are very proud that you had the courage to try to change your situation, as hard a road that was. We don't know God's plan always- but there is always hope in it whatever the earthly outcome. And we keep receiving blessings like this day by day. Love, Mom

I wish I had had the opportunity to get to know you better. I always enjoyed our conversations at those random meetings we had at parties and get togethers. You know I still think about those conversations to this day and wish we had been able to have many more. Thank you for all the wonderful people you brought into my life. Without you, I may never have gotten to know them and had them in my life. I know you are watching out for all of us and I appreciate that. You will always be missed.

Each year, time seems to tick by faster. It also changes people whom I know/knew and the world around us more rapidly than I ever would have imagined when I was younger. With that being said, I realize that one of the FEW things that time will never change is how much you meant to your family, myself, and our group of friends.

While I have never posted my thoughts about Brian here before, I visit this site often and am always astonished to see the steady thread of posts coming through... maybe I shouldn't be so surprised though, Brian is amazing. I met him Brian back towards the end of high school, back when it was only the beginning of so many wonderful crowds colliding. I couldn't get over how nice this kid was, always so thoughtful, warm, inviting, and generous. He is by far one of the sweetest people I have ever come across and because of that he crosses my mind often. We miss you buddy, you'll never be forgotten.

Our hearts too go out to the families and friends of those killed at Virginia Tech.last monday. I can't even believe the words I just typed are so.
I too Ismail. was taken back to the raw emotions I felt when Brian died. Even though we have experienced a tragedy, it is still hard to conceive of what these families are going through. As you said, we can love, support & pray, and remember. And we will.

I spoke with you on the phone today Ismail. Right after that, I was at Loehman's plaza and watched as two 8-9 year old boys, one with blonde hair and one with black hair, ran side by side on the sidewalk, around and around the perimeter of the small section of stores in the middle of the shopping area. They were having a great time on their solo journey and experiencing to a great degree I'm sure, the freedom of childhood. They reminded me so much of you and Brian at that age.

I am so grateful for the close bond of friendship the two of you had/have. I often wished that Brian had gone with you to VT, or you with him to UVA, so that that bond could have been a daily, in person thing. I thank you Ismail for your friendship and loyalty to Brian. I thank all of you, his friends, that he loved and cared about greatly.

I hope for the VT families and friends who are grieving, and all grieving people, that they find that God is with them, for them and in them, and that His love and their memories are powerful. They are for me.

I love and miss you Brian, Mom
GO HOKIES*** from Heaven

Tragedy once again struck very close to me this past week with the horrible shooting and carnage at Virginia Tech, my alma mater

Brian would come down to VT a few times a year and hang out and always make his hysterical wise cracks, things like "Remember Virginia Tech is a school of farmers..."

The feelings I have had this week are very similar to what I had the week Brian died, a senseless tragedy that I could not comprehend, but an amazing show of support from those I know and love and care about.

Brian I know you are welcoming the 32 victims of this senseless violence into heaven and helping them explain to everyone else what a "Hokie" is, even if you are making wisecracks about it

Katelyn recently friended me on facebook and I was reminded of this site. It saddens me that it took something so stupid to remind me that your family has suffered this loss.
I remember in 6th grade I'd come over to your house and Katelyn and I would sneak past the dog and go downstairs to go on the computer for some reason and Brian would come home and yell at us to tell us to get off. So much has changed...
Thank you to the webmaster for the upkeep of this site because it still brings me to tears..

Rest in Peace...

We were just talking about how Brian was planning to change his last name to his grandfather's original greek one, Chrysostomidis, meaning "golden-mouthed". The meaning referring to the eloquence of speech of St. John Chrysostom {347 AD- 407 AD) a forebearer of The Church, whose words were quoted in the prior entry.

On Easter we greet each other with,
"Christos Anesti!"-Christ is risen,
and respond,
"Alithos Anesti!"-Truly He is risen.

Brian, especially when he was younger, and when older too, really enjoyed the custom of cracking together the ends of the traditional red Easter eggs, until only one persons egg remained uncracked. With that grin of his on his face, he usually was that person, until someone wacked his egg to join the rest.

In memories there is so much joy.

O Theos na ton anapafsi.
God rest his soul.

We love you Brian,
Mom and Dad, Katelyn and Ashley

O Death, where is thy sting?
O Hell, where is thy victory?


Christ is risen, and thou art overthrown!
Christ is risen, and the demons are fallen!
Christ is risen, and the angels rejoice!
Christ is risen, and life reigns!
Christ is risen, and not one dead remains in the grave.
For Christ, being risen from the dead,
Is become the first-fruits of those who have fallen asleep.

As the years go by, my thoughts and prayers are with the Christ family as they continue to miss their son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, etc. May all of you continue to find comfort in your special memories. I applaud your efforts, Lee Ann, in reaching out to help and educate others with all of the information you have learned through your loss. All of those who knew Brian have a piece of him with them every day. Memories of times with him, things he said and did, no doubt pop up when least expected. He has touched the lives of so many, and will never be forgotten.

** Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but
rather openings where our loved ones shine
down to let us know they are happy. **

I went to the meeting at Mclean high school last week and was dissapointed that out of the parents of 2 high schools whose enrollments are over 1400 each, only about 15 showed up. But, I didn't think it was necessary to go to programs like this either when Brian was in High School. He didn't fit the stereo-type of a drug and alcohol user. The speakers were very informative but after the program I spoke to a group of mothers who seemed to be after a little bit more information and help. I briefly told them Brian's story. They were grateful to hear it and I was grateful they listened. They'll tell someone who will tell someone and on and on.. We're pushing on through Brian. As painful as it is to tell, your story is helping others. Thanks to all of you who remember Brian and help keep his memory alive. True hope is not realized until we help give it to others.

I love and miss you honey, Mom

I would like to post some announcements-

PHYSIOLOGICAL EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL
& SUBSTANCE ABUSE IN TEENS
March 21, 7:30-9:00p.m.
McLean High School Lecture Hall
1633 Davidson Road, McLean, Virginia

Speaking:
* Med. Director and Admitting Physician for INOVA Comprehensive Addiction Treatment Services Program
*VCU's Family Medicine Program-faculty member
*Fx. Co. first responder in cases of alcohol abuse and substance overdose-Capt. with FX.Co.

D.A.R.E. (DRUG ABUSE RESISTANCE EDUCATION)
has started placing light blue bins for clothing donations. In our area-at Loehman's Plaza near Scan, and at Pan Am Shopping Center. The owners of the bins pay yearly royalties to D.A.R.E. and recovering addicts are employed in the program in Baltimore. 1-800-353-6621

There is an HBO 14 part series this month at 9p.m. called ADDICTION.

In Mark 9:17-31 a man brings his son to Jesus for healing of a spirit he has been possessed by since childhood. Jesus heals him when His disciples could not and said to his father before healing him "Jesus said unto him. If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believth".

Excerpt from "Of St. John, the author of The Ladder" by Kosmas Damianides, Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of Australia

"The father accepted and confessed his unbelief and beseeched God with tears to make his faith complete. This is the price, the fulfillment of our faith--prayed for by Christ himself, yet we must pray and beseech Him as well.
It is perhaps important to stress here that this miracle account nowhere refers to the spirit by any title such as demon, or devil. It is perhaps because this spirit is in reference to the spirit of this world, the enemy of Christ. It is the spirit of this generation well rooted in society, it is passed on to our children like a virus. Brethren remember these words well-IT IS THE SPIRIT OF THIS GENERATION WHICH THROWS OUR YOUTH ABOUT LIKE THE CHILD WITH THE SPIRIT OF WHICH WE HEARD EARLIER- IT SMASHES THEM TO THE GROUND, IT THROWS THEM INTO THE FIRE TO BE BURNT, IT THROWS THEM INTO THE WATER TO BE DROWNED--TODAY IT IS DRUGS, ALCOHOL, GAMBLING, ANYTHING TO DISTORT THE IMAGE AND LIKENESS OF GOD, WITHIN THEM, WHICH WILL NOT COME OUT BY ANYTHING--EXCEPT AS OUR LORD INSTRUCTED MOSES, AS OUR LORD INSTRUCTED HIS DISCIPLES, AS OUR LORD INSTRUCTS US TODAY,BY BESEECHING GOD THROUGH PRAYER AND FASTING.
This spirit has a very old history going way back to primordial Man, Adam and Eve. "Why could we not cast it out", his disciples asked in shame. WE ALSO MUST ASK WHY CAN'T WE CAST THIS SPIRIT OUT FROM OUR LIVES AND OUR CHILDREN'S LIVES? Brethren,because as our Lord tells us "This kind can come out only through prayer and fasting". This is the key to contrite repentance. This twofold formula which treads on the head of this serpent of old and yields our first step towards heaven--contrite repentance."


From TREATMENT OF HEROIN ADDICTION,P. Kavanaugh

"Since heroin use is so hedonistic, it eventually destroys the user's pain threshold. It can be said literally that heroin need not harm the body, but it will inevitably steal the soul".

Con't-by Kosmas Damianides from above

"It is of no coincidence then that the first and second steps of ..."The Ladder of Divine Ascent" are concerned with the renunciation of this life.. We honor Saint John of the Ladder today as a great Saint of our church who reminds us that going to heaven is not as easy as getting into an elevator and pressing a button. On the contrary, it is a long and hazardous climb which is impossible to scale fully unless we beseech God for assistance. May God grant us all fullness of faith, peace and joy on our climb to heaven--Amen".

Please keep the above in mind as you watch the reality shows about drug addiction, the news, or deal with it in your own life in some way. This view will not be commonplace in treatment unless you literally "seek it".

I know Brian that you were on that hazardous climb and that those prayers you prayed that we talked about, sometimes questioning if they were heard, were heard, as were ours. Restless but from the heart.
"And the peace of God
which passeth all understanding
shall keep your hearts and minds through
Christ Jesus"

We Love and miss you Brian, mom

Here are the lyrics to one of the songs on the video that Brian liked.

CALIFORNIA STARS by Woodie Guthrie

I'd like to rest my heavy head tonight
On a bed of California stars
I'd like to lay my weary bones tonight
On a bed of California stars

I'd love to feel your hand touching mine
And tell me why I must keep working on
Yes, I'd give my life to lay my head tonight
On a bed of Californis stars

I'd like to dream my troubles all away
On a bed of California stars
Jump up from my starbed and make another day
Underneath my California stars

They hang like grapes on vines that shine
and warm the lovers glass like friendly wine
So, I'd give this world
just to dream a dream with you
On our bed of California stars

Another coincidence- In the video a picture of Brian and his dad, where he's holding a toy camel, brought one to mind. One day while Brian was at the treatment center, I had the urge to remove family photos from the mantle and hang them on the wall instead. Needing something to replace them with, I reached high up on a bookshelf toward the back of the top shelf and my hand rested on one of a set of silver camel bookends. A friend from India had given them to us 24 years before as a wedding gift.

After we returned from the family week visiting Brian and working with counselors etc., I was sitting very pensively on the couch one evening and took sharp notice of the camel bookends. Only a few hours before I had been drawn to take down from a closet, a box I thought was filled with nothing but old negatives, but found just one packet of photos as well. In that packet was the photo of Brian holding the toy camel.

The significance of finding the picture and noticing the camel bookends stems from our visit to the treatment center. Their bookstore was filled with things related to camels. Brian even had a stuffed camel in his room. I inquired what they represented and the clerk said "recovery". Recovery because a camel can go six months without a drink.

I was amazed to come across these things as I did. An aside -the friend who gave us the bookends as a gift-his father had assisted Edgar Cayce, the famous telepathic researcher. A little wierd thought I remembered at the time. Nevertheless, I think I was to both store and find these things at a time when they would hold significance and hope for me.

Another of the many occurences/coincidences I have experienced. Anyone else have any?

Well Brian, you would be proud that I'm using the computer as much as I am and that I even made a video and set up connections by myself!

Till we meet again. Love Mom

I found this letter to a counselor in some of Brian's papers after he died.

"I'm just writing to say Hi and let you know that things are going well so far. I think I'm at about 50 days clean as of yesterday. Things have been going well for the most part at home...nothing too bad. I am still planning on leaving and getting into a sober house somewhere (probably not until June, because of legal obligations).
I've had some troulbe the first week or so out making myself get to AA?NA meetings. I've only been to a couple. Last night I went to a very good one, and I'm going to try to hit one Monday through Friday this week. yet aside from a few cravings (mainly for alcohol more than anything else surprisingly), I haven't felt much of an urge to use. I know however that I can't get overly confident and slip up, so I'm just doing' day by day.
Already, I've heard of a handful of Hazelden friends who've relapsed and aren't contacting anyone... so it goes... I hope they don't crash and burn.
I've seen some of my friends and ran into a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in about a year who has been sober since January 1st and going to AA, just out of the blue. I found out another one of my friends overdosed and died while I was in rehab. Two weeks after I left she was found in her apartment. I was actually quite close to her so it was very tough. It just reinforces the fact that I can't go back or I will end up as worm-food(pardon the crudeness).
There is a DVD that I showed my parents called "The Corner". I highly recommend watching it and it has a base in recovery. It is an HBO special series of "docu-dramas"(six one hour episodes), about real people from the streets of Baltimore. It deals mainly with heroin addiction, recovery, and the ILL FATE THAT AWAITS THOSE WHO DON'T TRY TO GET HELP FOR THEMSELVES.I'LL WARN YOU IT IS A BIT GRAPHIC, BUT I THINK IT REALLY SHOWS HOW ANYONE CAN FALL FROM GRACE ON DRUGS AND THE HARSH REALITY OF TRYING TO QUIT."

If it helps anyone, I heard about a local small group recovery program for adults called TURNING POINT and a teen group calle TEEN CHALLENGE.
Contact info:
703-830-1841
Centerville Assembly of God Church
14281 Lee Highway
Centerville, VA
Part of their message on the radio was we can't fill the hole in our souls by ourselves.

One of the priests who called and talked with Brian when he had just entered treatment said of him, "He has a hole in his soul". That was a stark and ominous thing to hear. He was learning though that only God's grace and love can fill that hole, not any drug, activity or person.

We miss and love you honey, Mom

Although I did not get the chance to know Brian, I did get to know his sister Katelyn for all four years of high school in homeroom. I am touched by this tremendous outpouring of love and will never turn a blind eye to someone in need. My thoughts and prayers are with the Christ family.

Chris

You are playing some joke on us man. Making it real cold down here

Every February I think to the time we were in training learning to be UP managers and how successful both of us were at it

I still can't believe how any time you put your mind to something, it was 100 percent success

I just realized how much I miss you again.
PS: Apparently I am a robot because I forgot to type parentheses. I guess you were right all along.

A few have asked what the music is on the video. We got 2 of the songs from a cd Brian made from a Johnny Cash/Bob Dylan/Willie Nelson concert that he really liked.

1. Airline to Heaven- written by Woodie Guthrie sung by Bob Dylan (maybe Arlo Guthrie?)

2. Times Like These- by the Foo Fighters(found out "Foo Fighters" were strange,colorful,round lights that were seen in World War II by both German and American Fighter Pilots, that never showed up on radar, but were seen coming at the planes)

3. California Stars- written by Woodie Guthrie sung by Billie Bragg.

Thankyou Eric for your message and sharing your website.

When I used to drive Brian back and forth to class during his recovery we would pass a certain homeless shelter and he commented many times on the people milling around it's parking lot. Some were his age and I would cringe inside thinking of him in that sitution should it go that way. He said he owned too much and would like to give away some of his belongings. Especially to someone who could benefit most from them.

I remembered this place and Brian's words and in the fall took some things of his but found out it was a day shelter- 2meals offered,showers, phones and computers for finding work, and being supported by area christian churches, they offer bible study, prayer support, a safe, warm place to try to pull lifes together that have gone to pieces. Many from drugs and alcohol. There was no room for clothing donations but they took what I brought thankfully. They are in constant need of bottled water,food, toiletries, undergarments, things of everyday living. I was met with open arms, took a "tour" and ended up staying to do laundry as they were in real need of that that day. When I was ready to leave they said they had prayed for someone to stop in that day and I had been an answer to their prayers. That's how they operate.

I was so humbled by the experience I wept when I did laundry for my own family that night. I don't think we have to understand everything about existance and God to serve Him. But when you understand that you are doing something for God's glory it is pretty amazing. Brian told me about people who held a hand out to him when he was in need. This is what we have to do isn't it to help promote the best in each other.

I try to be careful quoting from the bible as passages really need to be read in entirety,and often with quidance. A familar verse from Ephesians2:8-10 "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God-not because of works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

From a church bulletin on this passage-"Paul describes how God rules us by mercy and love. We are saved through our faith in Him and He freely offers us salvation as a gift. He reminds us that we were created for good works and all we need to do is to follow the path laid out for us." The path Christ walked.

Lots of stones and detours along that path but worth following.

Another thing- when I have spoked about all the "signs" I received after Brian passed, I never thought it was him talking to me. I know there are "familiar spirits" and don't believe in talking to the dead. I do believe God can talk to us and show us anything. As a friend said, Our prayers are us talking to God, and our dreams and intuition are God talking to us.

Love you always Brian. Mom

Amen to Brian's Mom!

We do have a free will to act and create situations. Life basically comes down to two choices that will impact not only our lives here in this world, but in the kingdom to come. We can choose to live for God or choose to live for the enemy. The choice we make is what will help determine our life actions and pursuits. If we choose to live for God we are more inclined to work harder for the rest of our days here to become more Christ-like in character. On the other spectrum, if we choose to live for the enemy, we become more self-absorbed as we focus more on ourselves and the "now" as opposed to the "later" when we perish.

Just because we choose to live for God however, does not mean we automatically become unsusceptible to sin. In fact the more we build our Christ-like character, the harder it becomes to knock the enemy down. For one morning there will be one enemy outside our door, the next morning two, then 3, and etc... It is so easy to fall off course, as I have many of times. This is the case I feel with Brian. It's not that he didn't choose to live for God; it's that he chose, like many of us including myself, to disobey and sin. When we disobey by turning from God, we create an alternate route for ourselves in life. A route in which only God knows will lead to if we continue on this path. For some this route comes as a sudden and tragic life ending, as in with Brian's case, while with others it can come in a different form such as an event that will take place down the road due to our disobedience, or even in some cases an illness that will be the cause of our death. There are countless examples I could use in my own life of what has happened to me based on my disobedience to God. For this is God's way of showing his love for us (mercy), and we are to accept His mercy humbly, then pray and ask for forgiveness of our sin and turn back to Him as being first place in our lives.

Like I said disobedience from God is what I feel determined the alternate route for Brian. Of course I am not for certain, for only God is the one who knew what was in Brian's heart and no one else. All I can do is continue to pray for Brian and his family and continue to let this be an important lesson to myself of what disobedience to God can bring in my life and yours.

As for the good that came out of this situation, well I look at Brian's family. I know that they have gone through tremendous pain from Brian's death. Death is not an easy word to swallow, especially when someone is extremely close to you. But since Brian's death I have read some of the writings from his own mother on this message board and have seen the tremendous growth in her character to be more Christ-like. For she knows that Jesus is right beside her and her family, and that he is the only one who can relate to their family and the pain they have endured physically. Sometimes it takes an event like this in our lives to bring us closer to God, and that is the good I see it has done for Brian's family. As for the good it brings the rest of us, well it is the simple life lesson of striving not only to choose God in our lives but to also continue to walk in his ways and no other. The stronger we become in Christ, the easier it will be to knock the enemy down who will be trying as best as he can to make us turn from God and commit sin.

God Bless you all and I will continue to pray for every one of Brian's family and friends including myself. It is amazing what the power of prayer and God's word can do.

If any of you guys get a chance, please I encourage you to visit my website I just put up the other day:

wwww.thelordspath.net

I know I have been incognito to many people including my friends. I do apologize for missing out on some important events. I want you to know I have been doing well. I have been quite busy with my family and boys who keep getting bigger by the second. My son Brandon just had his 2nd birthday last Saturday. Hard to believe how grown the little tot is getting :-) As for myself, as you can see I have been working hard on my spiritual life with God. I have almost completed my first book titled "Following God's Path" in which I hope to have released in mid 2008. It is basically a compilation of all my writings I have written from the very first day over 3 years ago when I first accepted the Lord as my Savior to now. As I look back on my very first writing, I see how mature spiritually I have come, and how far I have to go. My goal is to help encourage more of the youth generation to choose God and follow his Path in life.

Overall this has not been an easy journey so far, but it definitely is a voyage I am glad to be a part of. Like I mentioned earlier, I have stumbled many times throughout my life so far, but that is life. I have learned from my errors and moved on. As to many who have met me before, their first impression from reading this might be that I am a hypocrite. I can certainly understand where they come from, that is what I expect from the world and the wrong choices I once made. As for now, what matters most to me and the rest of my short life is what God thinks of me, something I did not make the connection before I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior.

If you have read all of what I wrote then God bless. Please visit my website when you get the chance and post a message on there. Also, I encourage you to share the site with others.


To Brian's mother and family, I am extremely proud of how strong you guys are. I have prayed many times for not only the quickening of the hard grieving periods, but also for the power of the Holy Spirit to help lead you all in the direction he has set forth for you. I came across a card that you guys handwrote me after Brian's death, and I finally decided to write what has been on my mind from the whole situation and what took place. Thank you for the words of encouragement to all of us, and for the terrific family in Christ that you are. It puts tears to my eyes knowing that your hunger for God's word is ever more powerful. These tears I have are tears of joy and praise that you have continued to walk in His ways and helped spread the Good Word.

Your Brother in Christ,


Eric Koch
www.thelordspath.net

Thank you Andy for managing this site so well and for putting Brian's video on it! I know how busy you are right now and we appreciate the time you put in to it and feel it is a very kind jesture on your part. Thank you too Debbie for assembling the video with me! I hope it helps people remember Brian with Joy. Lee Ann

I guess we have to compete with the hackers entries now!

I was given a cd with a song on it that I would like to share. It reminds me of the last words I said to Brian. I had told him that I loved him, and strongly felt to add that God loved him and I hoped he knew that. We had a short discussion and aside from a guick "goodbye" and an explanation of where I was taking his sister, those were the last words I spoke to him. CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY AND MAKE THEM COUNT. They have a lot of power with each other. Thankfully their impact on God isn't as great. I think, God knows our human fraility of saying things we don't mean and expressing ourselves from our own tangled minds. I think he knows this and cuts right to what is in our hearts.


HERE I GO AGAIN
by Casting Crowns

Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

Chorus;
'Cause here I go again
Talkin 'bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him
That You love him
But here I go again, here I go again

Lord, You love him so, You gave your only Son
If he will just believe; he will never die
But how then will he know what he has never heard
Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life

This might be my last chance to tell him
That You love him
This might be by last chance to tell him
That You love him
That You love him, You love him

What Am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How will then he know
What he has never heard


To go back to what C.J. said about why God does what He does. Does He "take" people, or does He allow them to leave this life without intervention sometimes? Without second guessing God's will, I believe it is the later, as we have free will to act and creat situtions. I believe God knows our hearts and knows what lies ahead. Were my prayers for Brian's recovery, or His own prayers, unanswered, as some have asked me? I think they were answered. God's Will for us is not our own will for ourselves. There is the mystery. And this is where belief and faith come in.

Back to words. When a friend found out about Brian's passing, she said she pulled over in her car and prayed hard to have the words to say to me. When I saw her, she told me what she had heard a priest say years before. That maybe God knows what is ahead for the person and at that very moment in time ,their soul and spirit are as ready as they will ever be, to return home. A few months later, my sister-n-law's friend sent me a Greek Orthodox phamplet on death. An early church father, proposed essentially the same thought. Again not second guessing God's will, he said perhaps God forsaw a life of misery and this was the right time.

If you ever don't have the right words for someone ask and you will receive them. I know I did when I spoke to Brian the night before he died.

We love and think about you always Brian- Mom

Merry Christmas, Brian. We all wish you were here to celebrate with us.

I'm touched by all the sentiment for Brian still. I know he touched a lot of people. We are in the process of putting a still picture/music video on the site that a good friend helped me put together. I think it will help people remember him in a joyful way.

Thanks to those of you who helped us remember Brian at the gravesite last week. I want to say to the young man, C.J., who lost his sister and guestions why God would take us away from our loved ones. I look at God first for His goodness. The way you view God is really important. Fearing God in the Greek language means to be in awe, not afraid. Because we believe does not mean there will not be trials to go through. Everyone in the Bible had plenty. The key is still trusting and believing in God's providence- all knowing, controlling the universe, knowing each of us and what we need before we do- and in His goodness. An absolute trust in spite of setbacks, deaths of loved ones, loss of anykind, trials in life. To have No Doubt. Since Brian's death I have hungered for God's word and am so very thankful each day for that goodness that reminds me of His purpose in coming as Christ- our eternal life.

The peace of this season comes through God not of ourselves. A few days ago my daughter was accompaning a group of inner city youth she volunteered time with teaching music this year, as they sang "Go Tell it On the Mountain". I never had such a connection to that song, and proclaiming God's goodness, as I did when I heard it that night. I have No Doubt.

God worked through ordinary people to fullfil prophecy. The shepards outside of Bethlehem were considered lowly and dirty by people of that day, yet were chosen to "see" what others did not. We can choose to see God at work in our lives or not.

Thinking of you always and today Brian. Love Mom

Thinking about ya buddy.

Brian,
I miss you man. This whole situation saddens me and I think about it all the time. It's hard to see any good that came out of it. My condolences once again to your family and friends. See you on the flip side.

2 years. i'll always remember this date since it's the day before the celebration of my birth. i hope all is well with you brian. as i read the messages on this site, i see a lot of people using it to try and talk to you. however, i think it's more than that. by trying to talk to you, they're trying to get in touch with a part of themselves almost. you still have an incredible impact on the people in your life. to the christ family, i hope all is well and i will try and get the dvd to put up here in the next couple of days.

2 years ago you left us man, we still miss you, God bless you, your family, and all of our/your friends. I thank God that you were in my life and that we were friends man, just by this site we see how many you touched, and I hope that this site continues to help people who are struggling and in a time of need. Prayers go out to the Christ family and friends.

See you at the gym Mr. Christ
Ryan

Brian,

I am sorry i found this site so late.

I have some memories of you that i will never forget, punk shows in gtown, skipping lunches, Alan's house after school, but what i remember most is our senior year "study hall" and the conversations we had. You were a freindly face in a hostile environemnt and for that i thank you.

Much Respect!

Daniel Callison

I can't believe it's been two years - it's gone so fast and so slow at the same time. I still think of you, Brian, every day. You've influenced us in ways you never could have imagined - thank you for that.

Love, Kate

We will have a Brief service in remembrance of Brian this evening from approximately 5:00-5:45.
We love you Brian.

Hey Brian,

It's been exactly a year since I last sent you a message on here, but you've been in my thoughts recently. My sister is now up there with you, and there isn't a moment that goes by when I don't wonder why God does what he does. Why he takes the people who meant so much to others. I watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose last night. In the end of the movie the priest reads a letter from Emily. It says that she was given the choice of an easy way out, or to suffer so that others may know what was out there. Could it be that you and my sister were given that same choice? Two people who were known by so many, that would touch so many people with their deaths? Well thank you for your sacrifice.

Dear Anthony LeeAnne, katelyn and Ashley,
Our thoughts and prayers are with you today and always. Brian will always be a part of our lives. We think about him everyday as he has impacted so many. God Bless Brian and God Bless you.
Much love,
Ianthe, Steve, Krislyn and Jonathan

I still remember checking my voicemail in the early morning 2 years ago and having to replay the message at least 5 times. Your death has truly taught me how precious life is and that we need to seek out what makes each of us happy, whether it fits the norm or not. As you know, each time I pray I think of you and I will continue to until the day I die. I'm sorry that you had to be the example for the rest of us but I'm thankful that you've helped so many of us realize what truly is important in life.

Miss you buddy, my thoughts go out to the Christ family, I hope everyone is doing well.

It seems so real, so strange still to me that you left us 2 years ago and now look down from heaven at us

It still doesn't make sense to me, but life and death really are not meant to make sense

December 15th, 2004 was the saddest day of my young life, a day permanently etched in my memory, that I will never forget

It seems everyday I have a conversation about you Brian, whether it is with our friends, with my family, your family, new friends that I have met along the way, or complete strangers, but everyday there is a reason for me to remember you

Whether it was how bright you were. How many books you read. Your riddiculously funny one liners and wise cracks. Some adventure we went on, a fun memory we had shared

There are so many moments, memories, stories from those 17 years we spent together, and everyday I share something from that expierence

Recently I went through your room at your grandmother's house. And always I found something of yours that I never could have imagined you had.

This time it was an ATB CD and DJ Tiesto CD circa 2001. You liked trance and house music enough to buy their CD's?!? You learn something new everyday huh?

But going through your things, for what seemed like the 100th time, reminded me of how much you wanted to learn and expierence EVERYTHING. From your taste in music, to your books that start with the Art of War by Sun Tzu, a guide to taking the MCATs, "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens, you have more of a library then Jefferson did when he donated it to start the library of Congress.

It will never cease to amaze me how your mind worked, and because of that, I have a story to tell everyday for the rest of my life

Rest in peace Brian, you are dearly missed, 2 years later just as you were that sad day

Dear Brian,

I believe it has been 2 years since you left us and went to the Lord.
We miss you and love you. You are very special to us.
Love, Uncle Steve, Aunt Ianthe, Krislyn, and Jonathan

P.S. Say Happy Birthday to Grandad.

I haven't been back to brian's site in quite some time - after perusing for a while, i read my own entry from a while ago, and saw that i mentioned brian's greatest qualities were his confidence, determination and intelligence.

well buddy, i wish i had half the ability you posessed, but i'm getting there

miss you brian

Mrs. Christ, your words cease to amaze me. I haven't been to Brian's website in a long time but whenever I do visit it I find the encouragement I need. I am finishing up my psychiatric nursing clinical this semester and I have really loved this experience. I didn't realize how sheltered and naive I was about the world of drugs all around me. For one of my clinical experiences I had to go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. My heart was so broken for all the people I met there and the stories they shared. They taught me so much about their disease and how to love them and learn from them and their experiences. One of the most powerful moments at the meeting was at the end of the meeting when they get in a circle, hold the person next to them, and say the serenity prayer. They end the prayer with "one day at a time."
I would love to work with people with addictions and other psychiatric problems.
I love you all so much and I just wanted you to know that you (as my best friend's mom and as a nurse) have inspired me with your words and actions. I know I don't tell you as much as I should but I love you and your family and I miss you all very much. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

I need to write that we found out from the Dean of the U. I wrote about in the Oct 18th entry, that the phrase in question, what we thought said heroin use in summer before college, was actually "heavier use". They acknowleged the handwriting was poor in the record and I was also going on the statement by Brian in his in-patient treatment records that he had used heroin for the first time at age 17. Something we found out a year after he died.

The heavier use ( as I said, the word "heavier" appeared to be the word "heroin" to us because of poor handwriting) referred to alcohol, and the reason for counseling was an incident with pot and alcohol in his dorm room, with campus police envolvement but no arrest. Therefore, no one notified us. The point remains, this was clearly a time we could have "done" something had we known, and we would have, had we known. Admitting to heavy alcohol use ( 6-8 bears in 1- 2 hours with only a buzz) and pot use to a counselor is a red flag. What he said to the counselor showed he had a tolerance for alcohol-anyone else would be passed out after 6-8 beers in an hours time.not just buzzed. Information leads to action. We had no idea Brian was drinking like this and able to tolerate it. The counselor decided there was no need to diclose any of this to us, his parents because their was no arrest and he was 18. He had been 18 for 3 weeks at this point. The schools policy said to contact parents if they are doing something, illegal, harmful to self or harmful to another. Leaving it to the student to "handle" themselves, is just one more way of reinforcing to them that they really don't need anyone else's help. This is also a clear illustration of how well even a professional counselor can be convinced that this posed no threat. He was a clever young man, who had been using an array of drugs since he was 15. We found this out from the treatment center counselor at family week after he admitted he had a problem to us and had gotten help there. We found the actual extent of that use in the treatment center records posthumously, and in a notebook we found where Brian told his "story".

I'm trying to stay factual and not emotional(hard for me you can see) and relay info. that may give clues, or lay a framework for someone else to get envolved to help themselves or a loved one.

On Thanksgiving and everyday I'll share my prayer dear reader:

I Thank you God, for your grace and mercy upon me. For your lifegiving mysteries. For not condeming me but for sending your Holy Spirit to comfort, have compassion, guide, protect me and give to me your eternal and all encompassing and all knowing love. With all my heart, all my soul, all my strength and all my mind. In Jesus'name I pray. Amen

Brian's and my prayer:

God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can and
The Wisdom to know the difference.

We miss and love you Brian, Mom

I couldn't help but stop here today and think of basketball. How Brian tried and tried to steal the basketball hoop from behind the church to stop Alex, Ish and the rest of us from playing. I swear one day I will get that hoop for you man. I suggest this holiday season we get together. Ish, Alex, patrick, myself and whomever else... We shouldn't wait for another wedding to come around or something to get back together and hang out. Get in touch with me if anyone wants to try and do this sometime over the holiday season, and perhaps we can arrage something. JFOXWELL@RALS.COM please e-mail me and let me know if anyone has any ideas.

I want to ammend what I said the other day. We were all fooled by Brian. He "handled" his life and wore masks to keep us all unaware. He had been leading two lifes. His self image had been built on drugs and alcohol, whether anyone close to him knew it or not. He was so scared when he finally admitted his problem and knew he was not at all the "tough guy" he pretended to be. But that was how he had seen himself for so long.

What I want to make sure I get across is, I know these kids that post on the sight were shocked like we were to find out the extent of his problem,and honestly tried to help him. The thing is, he was counseled by Hazelden to leave us all behind if necessary, and to go to a half way house, or long term treatment center and start over. That's really what we, his parents, wanted for him. He chose to stay home and work out his own treatment plan. We, friends, family, were not equipped to counsel him. We couldn't be the only answer. Only to love and set boundaries. He knew that. But couldn't give up friends. But during recovery the meaning of a friend could vacilate. At a low moment a friend could be seen as someone who gets you what you are craving, and the ones telling you not to use are seen as enemies. That is the evil in addiction.

My amazement is reall that so many adults couldn't see things happening with him. And I'm at the top of the list. So many gave him a pass, because he was smart, attractive, witty, cunning. He told me after he was in recovery, that many times police had let him go, conviscating drugs, with warnings only. One example of a pass, to his detriment.

Talking about the non-disclosure of the fact that he had tried a lethal, illicit drug like heroin by the college health center professional is really to inform parents reading this, who should know what they may someday face. There actually are, and were, disclosure rules at the school that allow parents to be informed for the wellfare of their child, the student, but we were never notified. Be aware. We thought he was talking to us openly. No one else is going to.

I believe there is perfect truth in the word of God and there is pure devastating evil in heroin, any drug, or anything that takes someone away from God and away from that truth. I know Brian was trying hard to escape that evil and looking to God for those answers and trying not to look to himself or to anyone or any drug. And we knew he could slip from the soul sucking pull of that drug.

When I post these passages, it is always in the hope that someone else may benefit from what happened to us.

Love and miss you Brian, mom

hey man just thinkin of you..its been awhile.. i thought about you just now and how you sold me two cds in high school, one was kmfdm, and the other was tool, which turns out to be my favorite band. I also remember when we thought we were so cool to smoke cigarettes and hang out at eduardos after school and talk about what we wanted to be later on in life.. you always had some smart ass remark about it and something so rediculous we all just laughed..i remember seein you a week before you died when we met at mason..remember that in the JC and us looking at each other going oh i dont feel bad you are still is school too haha.. you were studying and we were supposed to hang out soon when you had the time.. but its all good man you are shining up in heaven lookin down on us with that stupid grin you always had that made everyone crack up..i love you man always

Don't think we haven't asked ourselves- How could our son have used drugs for so long and we did not have evidence of it? What didn't we hear and know about what he was feeling and thinking? How could he go through a highschool day, after drinking vodka in the parking lot, and not be detected? Why did so many people know what he was doing all along, and not say anything to us, even anonymously? How, why, how???

I have been blessed not to wander the dark corridors of doubt and morbid thoughts, of anger,what if's and second guessing. I believe God shut those doors for me so I could go in a different direction. I have though, had MY life illuminated to me,slowly over these past 2 years, as it may have affected Brian, my family, others, and how it is seen by God. Because of this, I have forgiven and asked forgiveness and been changing from the inside out. Brian and we had a chance to forgive each other, during his recovery. An unbelieveable God send.

When I spotted a young man at the back of the funeral home on the night of Brian's viewing, I was drawn immediately to comfort him, as he was crouched over, huddled against the wall,face hidden by the hood of his sweatshirt. He was sobbing, his shoulders shaking up and down. I put my hand around his back to hold him up and took his hand in mine. It was clammy and cold. "It'll be okay, honey. What's your name?" I whispered, feeling the whole time I myself was being held up by guide wires. When he sheepishly responded, God definetely did guide my response. This was the person who had gotten the heroin for Brian the night before, knowing full well he was trying to recover. Brian could have gotten it elsewhere, but he didn't have to. During his recovery, Brian had told us about this man being a supplier of the drug and the night that Brian died I found this person's name and number written on a balled up Wendy's napkin on Brian's desk. Working through that young desperate trembling soul, I know I was facing the devil himself.

I looked at my son's pale body laying still in his coffin, and looked the young man in the eyes grabbed his arms and stongly voiced to him he must get help for my son's sake, and in the eyes of God, he must get help. He tripped his way out of the room. I don't know what happened to him. I would never have thought my reaction to his being there would have been what it was. I hope God saw his despair and is dealing with him, because the police investigation of Brian's case did not go very far,even with the information we gave them. Help can come in all forms, even prison. Brian could have ended up there.

Teens, twenty year-olds, aren't likely to
turn in someone. But what we found out about a care provider I cannot understand. About one month after getting to college, and less than 2 weeks after turning "an adult" at 18, Brian we recently discovered, had to meet with a counselor
about an incident. In the notes, the person writes that Brian tried heroin over the summer prior to college. He probably snorted it as we know he did not return to it (except in the form of oxycontin) until 3 years later, tragically starting IV use and becoming immediately addicted. We have Brian's own "story" revealing these things, written at the inpatient facility. But realizing that a professional kept this information from us, even with HIPPA laws, is unconscionable.

I think God is opening one of those doors for me to look down. It is evil incarnate that would keep 18 year old children( not yet mentally,emotionally adults as the world would have it) from the very people who love them most and would be willing to help them with such a problem if they were only informed. Would having this information about our son then, 3 years before he became addicted, 4 years before he died of heroin poisoning, have made a difference? God only knows now. "God will accomplish all that pertains to you"

I love you and miss you Brian, mom

"Death took our loved one away from us, but Jesus took our loved one away from death."

You're always in my prayers.

It was nice seeing you in my dreams last night.. I hope you are continuing to look out for us all. We miss you.

To Avice and Kate-First of all, Avice, I'm sorry about your mother's death. The coins we are all talking about are hard to explain, but pretty extraordinary I think. I only found 5 coins with Brian's birthyear on them in all the 5oo or so I have come across. I talked about the very first one on the day that he died. I found it on the patio where he smoked. I had placed it on my dresser not even looking at it, but thinking it odd, decided it was something to hold on to. Of course then I started finding and collecting coins daily in a little dish.

The Greek Orthodox have a 40 day memorial ceremony for the deceased,in which the Christian message of everlasting life and hope are represented by a white mound of a wheat mixture called kolyva. John 12:24 -"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit."

We had just had Brian's memorial service. It was wintry and icy and only a handful of people had been at church. Later that night, I sat at his desk where he had died. My soul was heavy. I prayed, and then I said outloud to Brian, how much I missed him and I that I knew he was okay. I had just gone through some of his things to get ready to give to goodwill, like he would have wanted. Something came over me to take my hand and reach under the desk mat!? I reached under up to my elbow almost. My fingers stopped on what felt like a dime. As I pulled it out I said out loud "I know this is 1982". It was. I just weeped.

Looking around his room I remembered that he never spent his change and since he was little, had collected it everday in various receptacles,one being a plastic pumpkin.

Something made me go up to my dresser and look at the first coin I found. It was 1982 also. I poured through the rest of the coins and none were that date, and only 3 more since have been, 2 under seemingly significant circumstances as well.


Hebrews 11:1" Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." I have faith and trust in God and His promises without signs and wonders, but some of these things seem heaven sent.

Love yu and miss you Brian, Love mom

To Brian's Mom: It is wonderful that you can share the stories of the coins, the butterfly, and the cross. I have similar stories since the loss of my husband but it is so hard to find someone who won't give me a strange look or just laugh and change the subject.

Anyway, the reason I found this site is that I found out today that after my mother's funeral two weeks ago today, my brother found a penny--and it was from 1918, the year she was born. Can that possibly be just a coincidence?

hang in there B. hope you're watchin out for us.

I cannot believe that I forgot Brian's Birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN!!! We all love you!
Aunt Ianthe

I cannot believe that I forgot Brian's Birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN!!! We all love you!
Aunt Ianthe

My parents were back in Rhodes this past summer, which brought back some memories of you since you were with us the last time we were there in 2001.

They were walking past the Coralli, where you danced at one of their 'Greek Nights', one of the best moments of the trip. They were reminiscing when my mom suddenly noticed a coin laying on the ground in front of the restaurant. She picked it up and kept it--a little reminder of your presence.

I'm still missing you every day.

Happy Birthday Friend! I miss you everyday.

Happy 24th Birthday Brian.

Some things I miss and remember about you:

-that you rolled up on the balls of your feet when you walked, just like your dad.

-that you said "Haweye" for Hawaii.

-that your said perfectly when you were around 4 "But I can't say certificate!"

-that we watched and laughed so hard at "Office Space", "Curb Your Enthusiasm?", "The Kid", and "Tommy Boy".

-that you gave me a little red satin heart ornament you bought yourself at the Kid's Holiday Shop. It said "I love you Mom". And also the eagle necklace. I actually saw an Eagle soar this year.

-that you said outloud one day when you were little, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking? If they called them sad meals no one would buy them". From Ren and Stimpy I think.

-that we read that Allen Quartermain adventure book together when you were in 4th grade, where the sentences were as long as paragraphs. We left one chapter unread.

-that you could practical joke me quite well.

-that you went to great lengths to "surprise" your sisters with all kinds of contraptions over their door etc.

-that you donated to "Make a Wish Foundation", "Special Olympics" and other charities at your young age.

-that in 3rd or 4th grade you kept telling me everyone REALLY liked your marble collection and then one day came home and showed me the 100.00 bill that Anthony, I think, gave you for it. To your dismay, the deal was immediately reversed.

-that even when you went off to college you said "I love you too" back when we talked on the phone, or at night when you were here at home.

-people came up to you wherever we were, and everyone listened intently when you spoke.

-that you and Ismail went to that pizza place in Crozet that Grandma had read about and made a point of telling her that you had.

-that you made really good, spicy tomato sauce from scratch.

-that Ismail sometimes called you "Brain" instead of Brian and that was fine with you.

-that you gave me the book "The Tao of Pooh".

-that I can't see your face or hear your voice anymore, but that God has gifted me with dreams of you with a bright and changed face, always with a smile to me.

-that your name means "Strength, Virtue. Strong in faith, giving Glory to God." Romans 4:20 &
"A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches" Proverbs 22:1

-that ********

All these memories are of this world, but my hope for Brian is in the eternal.

We love and miss you honey, Mom

Happy Birthday Brian:-)

Happy 24th birthday Brian

I am sure God is throwing you a fun party in heaven today, keep watching down on us, I won't ever forget all of those 9/16 birthday parties you had

Always the COOLEST to start off the school year

Thinking of you on your 24th. Life is good but bittersweet; I wish you were still around to share it with.

Oh by the way I believe I still have your "Eric is a Mongoloid" cd you made me. I remember making like 17 versions of them both silver and gold editions. Ask Anthony and Ish they were both laughing when they saw that:-) You also had this Buju Banton CD that you were always harassing to get back from me, I think I gave it back to you a while back.

I rememeber your Beach house in Ocean City the week of Beach week over 6 yrs back. It was a lot of fun even though there were 13 guys sleeping there:-) Funny stuff.

I miss you Brian, and my prayers out to your family. God Bless!

I never met Brian (I stumbled onto this site because I did some business with his Dad), but it looks like he was a man of character.

Reading the site reminded me of this quote:

"You that would judge me, do not judge alone this book or that, come to this hallowed place where my friends' portraits hang and look thereon; [I] think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such friends"
~Yeats

Thankyou O'connell mom for your continued support and prayers. Mine are with you and your family, & your son for his recovery as well. May God work His will through the counselors he is seeing to his benefit. Thanks too, to the person who put the lines from an Emily Dickinson poem on the sight. It's is a beautiful passage.

I got an email from a person in England who has been finding pennies for awhile (guess they also have pennies over there). He stumbled on this web site when he googled finding coins. He said for some reason he looked up and said "thankyou" after finding the first one, and has been doing the same ever since. I have that feeling too, to thank the Lord for the blessings in my life. And I'm still finding pennies and an occasional dime. I also saw a butterfly in our back yard about 3 weeks ago with a piece out of it's wing, just like the one I mentioned in the dec. 13th entry I made. It really caught my attention. I know the life span of a butterfly is only 2-3 weeks. But how many butterflies have torn wings like that!

Speaking of butterflies. I saw at Brian's gravesite where someone had set off a butterfly firework (the stick was in the ground with the wrapper near by). It's so nice to know how much he is thought of and remembered.

I love and miss you Brian. I feel you all around us. Mom

you and your family are always in my prayers...

Ish 'n I were talkin' about you tonight, as usual...

703-798-6081

Brian's old cell phone number is etched in my head forever

The 2nd summer without you, they just don't feel the same, its obvious something is missing anytime I go anywhere.

Your beach house was fun as always and maybe you sent me a signal about some of my habits, I came back with a big gash on the bridge of my nose, something very similar to what happened to you

Visiting Anthony's, hanging out behind your house watching the bay, it gave me continued peace, knowing that where you are now, you can always expierence God's gifts of the beach, the water, the sun and perfect weather

I really appreciate seeing all the entries still being posted. The piture of Brian in the Agean Sea(?) really evoked some emotions. It reminds me of people who say they can't move out of a situation because they feel as though they are walking in chest high water. To anyone in a desperate situation, or who has family or children in one, sometimes all you can do is pray. But keep in mind, prayer is also, the most important thing you can do.

I still have his number on my cell phone as well -just not a saved voice mail with his voice. But images and memories come to mind frequently and sometimes suddenly and vividly, almost like watching a video.

We became aware of a vigil last month in this area of over 600 families who lost children to drug overdoses. Unfortunately, we read about it in the paper on the night of the day it took place. If I hear of anything else like this I will post it.

Brian, I have the "peace that passes all understanding" down in my heart and I have faith I will see you again. Love, Mom

I haven't visited this page in almost a year and a half so I thought I'd see what's been going on. I am very happy to see Brian's friends still posting and keeping his memory alive. I think about Brian on a fairly regular basis, even though I'm on the other side of the country now and my life has changed completely. I still haven't erased his number from my cellphone because I like the reminder it gives me when I'm scrolling through the phone book.

I know you're keepin it real Brian, wherever you are.

Peace,
Skandar

In Light of what dimitri was writing about, i was listening to a song the other day and the first thing that popped into my head was how much this relates to not only brian and his family, but his friends as well....I leave this song by Kenny Chesney (I know I can't believe i listen to country now either).....

"Who You'd Be Today"

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?


I agree with you Dimitri, that we need to NOT think about who Brian would be today, but rather, how great he was using that for our futures.

Ismail, Anthony, Sean, and I stayed at your family's beach house in Ocean City this past weekend. During the days leading up to the trip, I realized that the last time I was in Ocean City was with you and a few friends at the same beach house in 2001. It was only then that I realized just how quickly the past FIVE YEARS have flown by. That realization put some things in perspective for me, including your role in my life, as well as in the lives of some of our close friends. Instead of dwelling on what could have been and what should never have happened, I guess I should just move on and hopefully be able to put some of our experiences to future use instead of just fond memories.

I had some alone time on Saturday afternoon. I found myself out on your family's dock, sitting alone and looking out over the bay. It made me smile knowing it was a place you'd been many times before, doing the same thing as I.

That picture strikes me also

Reminds me of a lot of things

I re-discovered this one and it struck me.

On Mother's Day Brian, I'm so very thankful that you and your sisters made me a mother. You gave me the greatest joy and the greatest sorrow in life. When I feel the grief of not having you with us, it feels like a sword piercing my heart, yet I know you and your sisters are in my heart forever. And I have faith that you are in the presence of God.

In the bible God promises to deliver us from desperate situations, or paraylzing fears and anxieties in one of three ways.
-to perform a miracle
-to give us the grace to go through the problem and live with it
-to take us unto Himself

I know you prayed for such deliverance Brian, you told me so. I know He has given us the living grace to keep on and do what we are to do in this life. I believe Christ gave you mercy and grace to go on to the next one.

I miss you and love you. Mom

I listen to some of the music we used to listen back in the day every now and then. You helped me develop my taste, because yours was just so broad and diverse. Anything from Nirvana's "Nevermind" in 4th grade to Green Day to Johnny Cash, to the NWA and Cypress Hill and even though you were behind on the trance, you still caught on to it

Anytime I walk on M street in Georgetown I pass Smash where we used to go when we were 14 (taking the subway, without telling our parents) For some reason we would spend hours in there, looking at vintage CD's and tapes, and cheap band t-shirts that said things like "Blood" on them

I think about the summers we would spend going to shows and concerts. HFStival, Sick of it All at the old Capitol Ballroom (now Nations) for July 4th 1999. Some band from one of our schools at the Old Firehouse in Mclean

Now a days, I blare my favorite music absurdly loud, just like you used to. It isn't always the most popular song, but its whatever fits my mood, just like how you did it

Somehow it always meshed what you and I did, even though at times our interests were far apart. Music was where we could come together, and many songs still remind me of you, anytime I hear them

I was at a barbeque today.. on a great spring day, and it made me think of you. This sounds silly.. but even barbeques aren't the same without you. I miss you Brian.. I hope you have found peace whereever you are.. and that you are looking out for us all and know how much we truely miss you.

I knew Brain since 8th grade and went to high school with him. I just heard about his death, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to see him before he left. I'll remeber Brain as someone who you could trust and that's hard to find. He was a person who would put a friend before his needs. Brain was a tough son of gun who you could always count on. It hurts to see a person like brain leave us. I will miss him.

To Anon: I often listen to that song and think of Brian. Painful but soothing. Glad you put it up on here.

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

reminded me of brian (johnny cash. Hurt)

So I work in an office now along with still running the paint company

I wonder these days what you are thinking about our progress in life, in the past year and a half.

All of us seem to have found some sort of life direction, whether it is steady jobs, or going back to school as a few of us are planning on doing, it seems to me the first time in a while we all have a plan.

I think all the time of the plans we made the last few years, and how at times I am still tempted to call you and ask your opinion on anything. Its incredible the knowledge base you had, and where you could draw facts from

These days are moving along for us, but everyday we realize something is missing, a feeling we haven't felt in a long time

Missing you lots

Thanks to all the groups and individuals who are speaking out on drug awareness, prevention and treatment, and using Brian's life, drug use, recovery, relapse and death as an example for others to consider. We, his family, talk to people on an individual basis to support and make people aware. Although prevention, "saying no" and just not starting, are the ultimate goals for anyone, I find myself drawn to wanting to put effort toward those who for some reason have started using and want to stop. This a reason we initially asked for donations to the ministry of Father Stone as he speaks out to just those people using his own story of drug use before he was a priest, and his complete recovery because of intervention from God above. He appreciated all the kind donations. His parish has since moved and we will try to update this information. I would ask anyone interested to find an organization or charity that supports drug awareness, education, and/ or a hopeful path to recovery, and donate in Brian's memory.

Other information- When Brian died the police that day found a Zoloft pack with the correct amount used, and two vials wrapped up in the botton of his backpack. The homicide detective present took them to have them supposedly analized for the purity or extent of contamination of their contents. We were "put on hold" several times during the last year when we asked about the progress or information on any of the leads. Just recently we were told that nothing was done to determine the contents of the vials or follow up on any of the leads we gave because the case was too small. Brian got the drugs from Baltimore, where the Police Chief's own stepdaughter is regretably a heroin addict (New York Times Article) and the city is one of the worst for heroin trade. So much for the war on drugs. We will look into it further.

To those who went before us: Brian, his grandad, our grandparents, U. Jimi, U. Gus, Thia Katina, Thia Sultana, "Brother", A. Doris, U. Edgar, U. Willard, A. Hjordis, Mr. Hollis, Marilyn, Dale, Nathan, Lauren, Marian.... we look forward to the time we will, God willing, see you again.


WHEN I GET WHERE I'M GOING
by Brad Paisley, Dolly Parton

When I get where I'm going
Om the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus)
Oh when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
and he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left-
Then I'll hug his neck

(repeat Chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble throught
All these questions I can't answer
SO MUCH WORK TO DO

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my Maker's face
I'll stand forever in The Light
Of His amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going...

Brian, Ashley and I like this song. We all think of you, love you and miss you "every minute since you left". Mom

thinkin' of you on my 22nd

"Some need a better place to do their growing."

About this time, two years ago, we were up in Minnesota at the family program at Hazelden. We saw Brian only at a specified time for 1/2 hour of visiting, and then again for the nightly motivational speaker. His favorite was a dynamic 85 year old woman, a recovering heroin addict of some 45 years.

The temperature was less than I've ever experienced but sometimes when one of the group sessions would break and before the next would begin, I would venture out for a very brisk walk. Needing to escape the intensity of the group, and my own feelings and thoughts, I would head shivering and coatless, hands in pockets, down toward the lake. I came to find that in these walks and in countless others since, I would find a deep sense of serenity. Walks not for exercise, but for isolating and considering my thoughts and feelings for clarity of mind, but formost they offered a time of meditation for my soul and a time for prayer.

I went to bed each night there with a pulling in the apex of my stomach, so strong, it prevented any real sleep. I awoke with the same knotted, twisted feeling in the morning. The facility had a large pool which Eric Clapton had donated. Tony, Ashley and I sought the solice of a nightly swim each night before bed, which also had a serene and calming effect. We only saw each other in passing through the days schedule, and at meal time, where the addicts were ravenous from physical need and regaining an appetite, and we others were ravenous from the expenditure of what seemed like all our emotional, mental and physical resources. We needed to fill ourselves back up.

On the fifth morning, the day we left, I woke up with no angst, a little apprehension, but for the most part unexpectedly calm. That pull in my gut wasn't there. That "gut wrenching" had sucked out the negative, forboding, hopeless feelings I came with and I had begun to learn to replace them with the positive- the ultimate positive, God. Since, with prayer and thanksgiving to Christ, I have been able to get through these hard times, slipping sometimes, but never falling. Filling up on the positive, leaving little room for the negative.

That lake in Minnesota I had visited, was mentioned in a radio show I heard late one night. It was a crackling. sputtering broadcast coming through from somewhere out west, as I rode back through the Blue Ridge foothills. I was returning from visiting our daughter in Harrisonburg. The man was talking about his experience at Hazelden and how it changed his life. As a recovering addict he now witnessed to others around the country. He said he was a Cherokee Indian and I think also a Christian. He spoke about his heritage and one night having had a vision over the lake. His ancestors in a large group, appeared through a red horizon, telling him life would be okay.

I couldn't believe I was hearing someone talk about the place where I had felt so at peace in all the chaos. I wrote down his story on napkins I had in the car, and sent it to Brian. We wanted to share whatever we could that would help him see his way out. (Note- When I went through Brian's things, I found all the letters and encouraging things we had sent, in a place where he had more personal items. It made me happy that these mattered to him enought to save.) I know Brian walked along there also. At a low point in the program he said he had decided to leave and started walking in the frigid cold out to a main road, passing that lake. He said the cold made him turn back. The alternative to leaving was coldness and emptiness. He turned back to recovery. The guys all chased him down as well. They walked back together to the hope that they had found.

More memories Brian. I'm so thankful I have them. More thankful to have had you with us for 22 years. I love you, Mom

Dear Brian,
The beautiful hot pink lock that you gave me for Valentine's Day when you were only five years old still sits on my desk. With exceptional memories of you at heart, I remember the day your mom told me, "Brian picked this out for you and wanted to give it to you". It was special then and a keepsake now! You've always held a special place in my heart and always will. Happy Valentine's Day, Brian. Until we meet again.........

Love,

Aunt Ianthe

Mrs. Christ,
I have been listening to that song lately. Katelyn gave me a copy of her CD last year and I know that making that CD was very therapeutic for her. I've been listening to those lyrics more intently lately. One of my uncles passed away last week unexpectedly. He had really bad diabetes and was causing lots of complications. I was actually home last weekend and I wanted to see you but I was so busy with family and exhausted when they all left. I've been meaning to call Katelyn all day and talk to her but things have been getting in my way of calling her. It's actually funny because she was on-line a few minutes ago (and she rarely gets on) but I caught her right before she had to go. I told her about my uncle and how I was feeling. She told me to take it one day at a time because if I try to do other things it gets overwhelmed. It's so simple yet true.
I didn't see my uncle as much as I would have liked but I saw him Christmas Eve and the last thing I told him was to take care and that I loved him. This is a round-of-about way of telling you that this experience has taught me to tell people that I love them more often. I told Katelyn that I loved her and missed her right before she signed off-line.
I also wanted to tell you that I think about you and your family often and I know I don't say it very much but I do love and miss you too.
Sending you all my love,
Vanessa C.

To anonymous, I agree with Dimitri. I know Brian was struggling wiht not drinking a beer again. What I learned from talking to addicts was that drinking was a substitution for their drug of choice and that it could quickly lead from the buz of one drink to the desire for the effect of their drug of cholce. Brian also said he experienced a lot of fear in treatment from losing the identity of drug user /dealer, which is the way he saw himself for many years. He also was very fearful to realize he was not just a user but an addict. What brought him hope after detoxifying and beginning treatment was re-prioritizing and placing God first in his life, then self, and living minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.

I have to tell you, my grandfather was a Protestant minister, and I think I inherited a little of the preaching gene. But these things I'm talking about are truths in my life now since Brian died and I'm talking from my heart. Faith activates God, and fear the enemy. God created us with authority and dominion on earth. Use that authority over the bad things in your lives to call on God's promises for us.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says The Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

This is a song that Brian's sister wrote for him.

"ANGELS IN THE SKY "
words and music by Katelyn Christ
copyright 2006 kateONkeys

"Had some trouble sleeping,
so went off to close the door.
Medicated memories
left him lying on the floor.
Mom tried to nurse him back
but she choked on lifeless air.
We just hope,
he knew how much we care.

Winter tried to steal him,
froze a heart unthawed by love.
But he answered to
those choirs singing above.
Silver eyes went cloudy
to mourn his loss.
Buried with his grief,
he rose above,
with a silver cross.

Chorus
HIs body couldn't take
the way he would escape.
Chasing dragons in the night,
he held on for dear life.
But in defense of progress
he tried hard to change his life.
Taken young at heart.
He flies with angels in the sky,
Angels in the sky.

Wiser at twenty two
then most are when they meet end.
He left some hope for his family,
and a lesson for his friends.
Life is fragile
when it's clenched in God's fist.
But beyond the sky,
he found a life
he thought he'd missed.

Chorus
His body couldn't take
the way he would escape.
Chasing dragons in the night.
he held on for dear life.
But in defense of progress,
he tried hard to change his life.
Taken young at heart.
He flies with angels in the sky,
angels in the sky.

Time may mute the silent cry
let out that winter's night.
Because winter fades,
to welcome new spring lights.
But for those who wash his passing
in water of regret,
An ocean of old sorrow
washed away,
but how can we forget.

chorus

'cause Brian couldn't take,
the way he would escape.
Chasing dragons into the night,
he held on for dear life.
But in defense of progress,
he tried hard to change his life.
Taken young at heart.
He flies with angels in the sky,
angels in the sky."


We miss you Brian. Love always and forever, Mom

Dear anonymous,

Brian once told me about a guy he met in rehab who, for years, had been clean from drugs, including alcohol. Then he went to a wedding one weekend and decided to try drinking socially. A few weeks later he was hooked on heroin again.

Based on what we have learned from Brian's experiences, does anyone have an opinion on whether a "sober drug addict" can socially drink and still stay off of other drugs? Just curious~ as I have heard differing opinions. Thank you for your help.

Your old house down the street is on sale for a whopping 550,000 dollars

When I drive by there, I remember things like climbing the tree in your front yard (it was the easiest tree ever to climb) and playing on the monkey bars in the back

Or when it snowed and we pretended to be in the army climbing our way up the hill in the back yard

Football games at the creek behind your house, the area is so small yet somehow we played 4 on 4 football back there when we were little

Your room had a great view of the tree in your front yard, that was cool whenever I spent the night and woke up and saw it

We played a ton of catch in the front yard, I learned how to throw a spiral with a football in your backyard. We played with Wolf in the backyard all the time, and had your birthday party on the porch.

Downstairs we would write crazy stories on your god knows how old computer, watch "Back the Future" on the pull out couch, play with the old cash registers from the "US Deli"

It was probably one of the saddest days when you guys moved out of that place, but we made more good memories at your new home. Still, it all started at 3229 Nealon Drive

It wasn't until after you were gone that I realized how much I relied on you for so many of our memories. It kills me to not be able to remember so much and not have you around to remind me.

For Brian's Mom --

"And if I go, while you are still here. Know that I live on, vibrating to a different measure,
behind a thin veil you cannot see through. You will not see me so you must have faith. I can't
wait for the time when we can soar together again, both aware of each other. Until then, live your life to the fullest and when you need me, Just whisper my name in your heart... I will be there."

~Emily Dickinson~

When Brian's sister wrote his obituary it was very frank and honest. Shocking as well. We all decided this was the best thing to do. The last few entries really touched me and I'm glad we made the decision to be open, for others.

Miss you every day honey. Love, Mom

I've been reflecting on the past year, and have somehow wound up back on this site. I haven't paid it a visit in a while. E-memorials. How...well, how convenient...and, upon careful deliberation..appropriate.

Like I said, I was sitting back and reflecting on my year, and the substantial things that happened. Among others, a night that sticks out in my mind was a two months back when I walked into my 15-year-old brother's room to find him passed out face down on his bed with a nose full of Xanax. Scary shit, my friends. And simultaneously, my good friend arrives at my house who I haven't seen in months and with whom I used to partake in the same brand of feckless behavior.

Enter adult moment, stage left. Interior, 5 minutes later. Conflicted older brother wrings hands compulsively and weighs options before him....to the hospital? Wait until mother gets home? Initiate nonchalant sibling coverup??? Jesus, what if he hadn't stumbled into his brother's room at the precise moment in time???

Flash back 10 minutes prior to; computer room, enter younger brother meandering into meaningful and heartfelt conversation with older brother, typical of the two. Younger retires to bedroom, motives yet unknown. Omniscient viewer is delivered kneejerking empathetic blow, upon seeing telltale glassy and unresponsive pupils of the younger brother, gone unbeknownst to the older.

Flash to present: older brother takes younger brother to hospital, where truth is revealed to family members, sleepless night at the hospital drags into Thanksgiving morning to the cadence of a newly developed uneven heartbeat in the chest of the 15 year old with diminishing quantities of neon orange chunky mucus. Cue dawn, surprisingly understanding parents, a sputtering and obsolete psychiatric doctor (who needs a 21st century defibrillator to the brain), and a raccoon-eyed 15 year old with short term anger and a long term, much needed whip in the ass.

Jesus Christ, Brian! (and friends, and PARENTS of Brian), Thank you so much. I think back to that moment in time, standing in the kitchen in my dry cleaned shirt and brand name jeans, ready to take on another night on the town. Look at him. He's up. Breathing. I could be at the bar in 20 minutes. Can I sweep this under the rug? Need I level the "your son is having drug problems" earthquake on my family? At it's root, how condescending, selfish, and dramatic. I was there too, and Look at me, I'm fine!

And I almost did. I almost fucking did. These kinds of weaknesses run in the family. But, I mention him again: my good friend from O'Connell (who was also friends with Brian) had walked in the door when I discovered my little brother on the moon. Enter Guidance, judgement, old uncool unsexy things that continue to enable this world to spin on its crooked and inefficient little axis.

So I watched my little brother's fishbowl eyeballs roll back and drown in the exact same burlap eyelids I called home about 8 years ago, and to renewed effect. I SCREAMED at him to stay awake, after finding out the worst effects of a tranquilizer overdose via Google. I've never heard a flatter rendition of the "star spangled banner" in my life, but it kept him awake and it kept me sane.

2 months later the incident recedes as a blip on the familial radar. Yet it retains its purpose, and its urgent gait. Things are still far from perfect, yet the chain of events and the impact of the outcome of my situation are wholly related to my relationship with Brian Christ. Without it, I would be less rich, less reactive, and less thankful as a person.

I couldn't possibly stand on a box and show off my evasion of 'real' drug problems or for having a "keen eye" for seeing my brother's first signs of the same problems. To do so would be just inaccurate. I didn't see them as much as my friend. This guy, along with myself, and Brian, and plenty others that Brian touched, were blessed with a gift given not by eachother but by tempered and GIVING parents. I'm thankful for how Brain touched me as a person, a human being on this earth with a potential for change. He had a spirit that I have shamelessly tapped into on probably more occasions than I am celestially alloted.


To a year of postive change, of contemplative progression, and of peace.

Cheers.

Narconon Arrowhead, Oklahoma. HC 67, Box 5. Canadian, OK 74425. Phone: 1-800-468-6933


This is an alternative treatment center (different from the 12 step program) that may work better for some people. I know of two people personally that have stayed clean for years and they know of many others this center has helped. Please call if you or anyone else you know needs help. Anything is worth a try when trying to save a life.

Brian made an impression on a lot of people. I hope he still will.

As I said before we are not naive about the criminal part of drug use. Reading through Brian's treatment records that I now have access to, his history with drugs is not a pretty one. No one's is. His story is not to be glorified. He wanted badly to tell it, to reach out to others. He was remorseful about the way he treated people, his behavior, and things he witnessed and became involved in because of drugs. He was deeply saddened and frightened by the deaths and imprisonment of other drug users he came to know. Admitting any of this, or any fear or pain in his life, was a huge step for him.

In treatment he went through a peer review where he was surrounded by the men he was in treatment with(aged 20-65) and he told "his story". They circled him like wolves. Being brutally honest, they didn't let him get away with anything. They'd all been there before. He said it was gutwrenching but so worthwhile. In reading the comments they wrote to him, most of his blocks to recovery were, minimizing situations or feelings, resentment, arrogance, self-centerdness, immaturity. What they saw as his resources to recovery on the other hand were, honesty, asking for help, taking responsibility, sharing his feelings, his family life being conducive to recovery, and his belief in God.

Brian was our Prodigal Son. If you are not familiar with the parable, you can look it up online I'm sure, or it's in Luke 15 : vs 10-32 of the Bible. We were blessed that he came back to us. We saw his remorse for the life style he was living and what it was doing to himself and others around him. We saw his desire to change and his need to make right the wrongs he had done. One of the hardest things for him to do, was dropping the people and associations that did him harm not good. If I could give anyone my novice advice, it would be to drop out of their current social scene, drop "friends" and acquaintances they've been using with, or who facilitate their habit in anyway. Drop them for good. Until the day they are stong enough to influence them to change their ways.

Some of Brian's words:
" I know I have come into contact with people I'd consider to be angels/prophets. Uncany coincidences are proof to me, and the fact that I am still alive."

His prayer:
"God, guide me to do your will and what is right."

And he "AB-so-loot-lee" wanted to turn his life around and over to God.

A few numbers and names that we came across that may help someone:

Recovery Option Network
1-800-662-2873

C.A.T.S- Fairfax Hosptial

Long term treatment centers:
-Straight and Narrow, Patterson New Jersey
-St. Martin's Ashley- Md.
- Fellowship Hall-Greensboro, N.C.
- St. Jude Retreat House
- YWAM-Hawaii

Also look up "Sober Houses "on line for directory

As Brian's mother, I will be sad for the rest of my life. But not depressed. Never hopeless. In faith and in my son's memory I will do anything I can to help another in any of the "prisons" we find ourselves in in this world. Even if that help is a smile, a hug, a ride, a listening ear. However small. I know these things were given to my son and to us by others and greatly appreciated in our time of need. It is the least I can do.

I love you Brian. Mom

you know we all put memories on this site, and a lot of times it depresses me. it also depresses me that when we all go out with people brian is a connection and he is no longer there. Its kinda funny because people who weren't even friends with brian remember him. a quote from a friend-
" i didnt really know brian, but his ass looked good in those dickie pants"

I think of your family often. I want to call and talk when I find the courage. I have picked the phone up many times, but am still unable to dial the numbers. My feelings are so conflicting. Joy~ that my son is alive and clean six months....Sadness~ that his classmate is gone..there is a touch of guilt as to why your family and not mine? How many lives are going to be continuously snuffed out by painful addictions? Peace be with you tonight and for the rest of your lives...Brian Christ will never be forgotten...
JMJ

"GOD BLESS THE CHILD

Hallelujah, Hallelujah God bless the child who suffers
Hallelujah, Hallelujah God bless the young without mothers.

This child is homeless, That child's on crack
One plays with a gun, while the other takes a bullet in his back.
That boy's a beggar, that girl sell her soul
They both work the same street, the same hell hole.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah God bless the child who suffers
Halleluhjah, Hallelujah Let every man helps his brother...

This boy is hungry, he ain't got enough to eat.
That girl's cold and she ain't got no shoes on her feet.
When a child's spirit is broken and feels all hope is gone.
God help them find the strength to carry on.

But with hope and faith Yeah, we can understand
All God's children need is love and us to hold their little hands."

All of us are God's children. May He bless us all. Remembering and missing you Brian on Christmas as in everyday. Love Mom

One year later, and suddenly it all seems a little more real.

I'm singing for you.

And the seasons they go round and round

And the painted ponies go up and dawn...

Missing you. Thinking of you a lot these days.

Thinking of you.

A year ago today I was stuck out in California, when I got a call that made me cry in front of the roommates I had known for only 2 weeks. Brian I still regret not being able to come back here to say goodbye to you last year. There will always be something missing since this day one year ago. Keep an eye on me from up there bro.

you left behind nothing but beautiful memories.

its funny
the experts tells us that after a year has passed it's time to move on

the experts were never influanced by someone, that even with the one single encounter between us, impacted me in someway I can't ever explain

its a shame that its took me that long to realize its effect

and its stomach wrenching to realize that I'll never have that feeling again

the experts never met you
and the experts don't miss you like we do

another "year" after a friends death, you already know we miss you

Brian,
You will forever be in our hearts. There isn't a day that passes by when we do not think of you..We miss you and Love you.

well brian your bar's coming along - shelves and the kegerator are still to come, but it may take a tad longer than original planned

Dear Brian,
We love you and miss you. You are irreplaceable and forever in our hearts. Life is not the same without you here. We have lots of reminders of you thank goodness. Those we cherish. Above all we believe your soul is at peace with God and this is our peace.
Love, Mom & Dad, Katelyn & Ashley

You are all still very much in my thoughts. I am sure Brian is smiling down on you :)

I cannot believe it has been a year man. I always tried to post here but I never really knew what to say. My big news is I'm graduating from Tech tomorrow, the Hoos rival. It took me long enough but I did it like I know you would have. I miss hanging out with you and you cracking us all up. I am coming back to Northern Va in a couple days and I will definitely come visit you. Lizzy and I will get all dressed up like that one time we were supposed to go "clubbin" and chill with you. We truly are not the same without you, peace and love.

Yesterday I visited you and brought you some christmas spirit- (I tried to be crafty for you!) For the first time, I felt such peace at your grave site, sitting on your bench and reading your marker. I am thankful to have such a beautiful place where I can go and think about you.. and visit, and bring you dorky crafts! I miss and think of you every day Brian.

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night and there is sweetness in the laughter of all the stars and in the memories of those you love."

I've missed you lots in the past year. It's been hard, but I've learned so much because of your life in the mean time. I'm thankful for the 23 years we had together and I remember them with great joy. Miss you.

Those pictures bring back some great memories Andy

Let me try and caption some of them

1st row, 4th pic: We must have been 7, or 8 years old, just being stupid kids in Brian's front yard at 3229 Nealon Drive (down the street from me)

2nd row, 2nd pic: Back in the day Mr. Christ owned the "U.S Deli" in Washington DC. Great grilled cheese sandwhiches. That picture was taken there

2nd row, 5th pic: Christmas, 1993, we were both in 6th grade, his 2 sisters and my brother are in the picture also

3rd row, 6th pic: Scout camp, at Goshen, the summer of 1996 (before 9th grade) He, Jarell and myself had spent the night in the woods "observing" deer, and were writing all that down

4th row, 1st pic: In the parking lot of the Christ family townhouse in Ocean City, this was taken the summer of 1995 (summer before 8th grade)

4th row, 3rd pic: All of us guys, Dimitri in the afro, JB with white face paint, Ryan with white face paint, Jarell in all black in the back, Jeff with a goofy look on his face, myself in the back with the hat, Brian with the Redskins hat, and Mike in front

5th row, first pic: Digging ditches for Brian's Eagle project, the summer of 1999

5th row, last pic: Brian on the island of Rhodes, summer 2001

A lot of great memories in all of these pics that have gone up. And really, whenever I look back at it, sure a hint of sadness is there that we won't have any more moments like this, but I am happy because I expierenced these moments with him

We are missing you tons today Brian, life has not been the same at all without you the past year, but I know you are in a better place taking it all in, watching us trying to make it in this life

today is the 1 year anniversary of brian's passing. miss you brian and wish you were here...

note-Another disk of photos is on the way to the site. On there is the photo I talked about in an earlier entry of Brian having that intense look, even at a very young age.

When we moved to this house in the spring, 12 years ago, I transplanted about 75 or so perrennials and bushes from the yard at our old house. One of them was a white clematis vine which had daily blossoms all summer, every summer, in a sunny location on a fence in our old yard. In late Nov., of the first year in this house, I saw one beautiful white blossom near the bottom of the plant, and that was it. It was about 8-9 months after my father-in-law had died and after we had moved in. I remember for some reason thinking of him when I saw it. Maybe because it was late in the season and close to his birthday-Dec. 15th, which is the day Brian died last year. It never bloomed again in that spot, all these years.

Last spring after Brian died, I moved it to another spot near our carport next to a different metal post, with a different exposure to the sun. There was a very old wooden ladder leaning on the post, that Brian had persuaded me not to throw out. It might come in handy sometime he said. So I left it there, and have used it many times since. I had a feeling about that spot. Late in Sept., I was weeding and needed the rake that was also leaning on the post. Down at the bottom of the plant almost, on the ground, was one beautiful white blossom. I clutched my heart and cried. It was about 9 months after Brian died and close to his Birthday too. It never produced another blossom and I didn't expect it to. But deep inside I had known I would see one this year.

Little things like this have continued to amaze me this year. I injured a butterfly's wing with a shovel. I hit it while I was doing some early weeding. It had been on the ground with it's wings straight up and together. I thought it was dead ,as it didn't move once I hit it. It was out unseasonably early in the spring. I built a little shelter for it from the chilly air, went inside and it was gone when I came back. Later in the summer, what seemed like the same butterfly, with the same part of the wing missing, landed on our patio where I had first seen it. It stayed there and flew around me a long time while I was mowing, as if to show me it was okay.

There are the 306 pennies and dimes I have come across in some very stange places and circumstances. I have met strangers who are so perceptive and compassionate it was as if they were placed here to comfort me at some of my lowest moments.

My cross was missing from the chain when I woke up one day right after the funeral. It was gone for 5 days. I looked everywhere for it, eventually finding it under the opposite side of the bed under a blanket box. That was strange enough but when I went to fix it with a magnifying glass and pliers, I was amazed to see the triangular piece that held it, and that is used to slide it on the chain, was sodered and there was no way it could get off the chain while the chain was hooked around my neck. I took it to a jeweler, and he verified the same. A friend had suggested I say the St. Anthony rhyme to find it. Someone else pointed out that St. Anthony was not the patron saint of lost things, but actually the patron saint of lost faith.

The day of the funeral at the very point when I felt my heart could take no more, clinging to Tony's arm, I heard Father John's comforting words and felt a drop of water from above, splash on my left cheek, roll down my face and land over my heart, leaving a wet spot on my suit. Amazed I looked up and around, and clasped my chest in awe. I found out later, that another mother, who's son happens to be an addict, had a similar experience at the same time. It was not raining or snowing?!? And why at that moment would a drop fall from the ceiling?

The result of all these things to me, is to bring me to a sense of awe, of wonderment and praise, to a God who comforts, and loves and does not leave us alone when we seek Him. I have surely been calling out. "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you." Matthew 7:7

Oh Brian, my baby, my child, my son. I miss you so. But I have joy in being given the task of being patient and strong to do His will, until I see you again. Love Mom

was just listening to this song and thought of you man...


elliott smith - a fond farewell to a friend

The Litebrite's now black and white
Cause they took apart a picture that wasn't right
Pitch burning on a shining sheet
The only maker that you'd want to meet
A dying man in a living room
Whose shadow paces the floor
He'll take you out any open door

This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Who couldn't get things right
A fond farewell to a friend

He said really I just wanna dance
Good and evil matched perfect it's a great romance
I can deal with some physic pain
If it'll slow down my higher brain
Veins full of disappearing ink
Vomitting in the kitchen sink
Disconnecting from the missing link

This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Who couldn't get things right
A fond farewell to a friend

I see you're leaving me
And taking up with the enemy
The cold comfort of the in between
A little less than a human being
A little less than a happy high
A little less than a suicide
The only things that you really tried

This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Who couldn't get things right
A fond farewell to a friend

This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend

here are some pics of brian that mrs. christ wanted me to put up to commemorate the 1 year anniversary of his passing.

The last few weeks I too have been thinking to that last year of Brian’s life and what we experienced together, and this week being the one year anniversary of his death, I have finally put these thoughts on paper

I remember the last time I saw him was the night of my birthday party, December 4th, 2004. We went out to Rhinos in Georgetown and celebrated and partied and had a good time. Old and new friends were there and honestly that night all seemed right in the world. Brian and I were hanging out together with our best friends around us.

It was amazing how far he had appeared to have come to by that point. He had apologized to me about the August relapse and the circumstances that had caused it to happen and told me he’d keep talking to me about his recovery. Occasionally I’d drop him off at a meeting or he Jeff would attend one with him. We’d play pool, go to the gym, do anything to prevent some sort of relapse

It all seemed such an improvement over a year earlier

In October of 2003 my roommate Greg and myself took a day trip up to Charlottesville to watch the UVA football team play Florida State. Brian told me his roommates didn’t plan on attending and we could use their passes to go, so I used the excuse to get out of Blacksburg, hit the road and see Brian.

But this wasn’t the Brian I had seen all of my life. The Brian I knew was the smartest person in the room, always in control, and knew exactly what he is doing, irregardless of what he may have been on.

For the first time in my life I saw Brian not having control, and not being himself. While talking to him about what had been going on he assured me as he always did and would that everything was ok and there was nothing to worry about. Hearing that was all I ever needed to hear from him to know that Brian Christ was in control. He always was.

A few weeks later he would make what appeared at the time to be a wise choice; going home for the semester to get his head straight. Clearly things were not right in Charlottesville and a few weeks at home to relax, gather his thoughts, and clean himself up a bit would be what the doctor ordered

When I came home for winter break we saw each other and he did look to be more of himself and in fact took a trip to Costa Rica with Eduardo. We spent New Years eve together like we had the past decade or so, and he made plans to join us in Cancun on Spring Break.

We spoke of post graduation plans, how to expand our mini painting empires and just the usual stuff we had talked about for 16 years. We’d do mundane tasks together like getting cleaning supplies or Brian buying some gadget from radio shack.

A few weeks later when talking to a close friend of ours would I start to “understand the gravity of the situation” Even though I had heard rumblings that something was not right with Brian, I never saw it, or if I did see him down he would assure me that he was making positive changes. I believed him

After the conversation with our friend I decided to talk to Brian. As usual I couldn’t reach him via his cell phone so we had “the” conversation on AIM I still have it saved and look back at it from time to time because it was Brian being Brian.

Reassuring me he was ok
Downplaying the addiction
Using his extensive knowledge of everything to assure me he would be ok
Telling me he was planning on going home and “drying out” for a weekend

That same weekend I went home as well, and as in Mrs. Christs’ post below, Eduardo, Jeff and I had planned on intervening and if necessary taking Brian to a rehab facility near CVille

Brian thankfully came clean to his parents and came clean to us. It probably was the roughest evening in my life to that point, not knowing where he was, or when he would be home and having no way of contacting him because of course his cell phone was off

Well after talking with him for a few hours, we all seemed to agree (us all being Brian, his parents, myself, Eduardo and Jeff) to “try it his way” This lasted all of 3 days and that following Wed I got a short email from Brian saying he was going to Minneapolis for a while and will be periodically in touch

After speaking to both his parents extensively about this, I thanked God he was in a facility where he could receive help. When you see someone who all your life you have seen so strong and so in control down to his lowest levels, it is a humbling thing to yourself and to your abilities. All my life Brian had been that person who could do whatever he wanted to whenever he wanted to and excel in anything. Seeing him as low as he was that February night was a painful experience

We spoke periodically while he was in rehab, mostly about painting stuff, but also about his progress and what he was doing. It all sounded real well, he spoke of getting up at 6 am, lifting weights, talking with people and trying to figure out his future

When he finally came home he seemed like the old Brian, sarcastic, knowledgeable about everything and ready to take on the world. I saw him for the first time early that April (2004) while I was home doing painting estimates. And once again my naiveté made it seem like all was right in the world again. Brian was working at the hospital, was clean, and figuring out how to map out his future

After graduation we once again were doing most things together. We’d go to the gym and work on getting his strength back up. He did a few odd jobs around my house to help out my mother. We’d go play pool, do some mundane task, drive out to Mason to figure out a course of study

We spent one afternoon moving our friend Eric into his new apartment in Lorton. There was the one day I picked him up from the metro and he was absolutely furious at the people involved in AA who had “tricked” him into spending all day helping someone else move into a new place in PG County.

That day at Mason in June of 2004 was a glimpse into Brian most people do not get. The way his mind worked, nothing was ever good enough, he always did want to do more, learn more, and figure more out. We visited several departments, including psychology, economics and computer science, getting all the information we could about course of study and admission requirements. Brian once again simply could not figure out what he wanted to do, he wanted to do it all. If he had it his way, he would have been an engineer with a psychology degree that could program in C and figure out where to set short term interest rates at. So we went to all of those departments

That day as always we made plans. Brian would take class at Mason and I would join him on campus, but I’d be in the library studying for my GMATs while he went to class. We’d then workout and be productive the rest of the day. As most of the plans we made throughout our lives this was a bit ambitious, but it was always amazing what we really wanted to do and had done

As that summer progressed a few red flags went up that at first we tried to respond to but of course Brian assured us everything was “ok man, don’t worry about it” A beer would be taken away from him but a few days later he’d already be 3 deep. Then came the first relapse I knew about in August

He made a post on his live journal saying “…So I flipped out monday, wound up in a psuedo squat with some junkies, got high, got sick, had a team of my real friends and family out searching for me, and decided to come crawling back home yesterday...instead of throwing fuel onto a newly kindled habit. I can't escape these people who seem to care about me, it's crazy, no matter what I do and how pissed they get they still reach out and pull me back”

The night this happen his dad called me asking if I knew where Brian was and if I knew what happened. As soon as he told me I made every attempt to find him because I cared about the guy and because for more selfish reasons he was supposed to testify in my arbitration hearing that next morning

When we finally spoke again 2 days later Brian was incredibly apologetic. He told me he had snapped and that he can’t keep “$@% around” I of course expressed my disappointment in not that he necessarily did that but that he didn’t try and come to one of us for help. It was always a fine line that final year with him because I always wanted to be his “friend” but also knew at times I would have to be a jerk to prevent anything from happening again.

Over the next few weeks, once again life seemed good. We were hanging out together, Brian started going to class at Mason, and we were still lifting and working out together. Brian turned 22 on September 16th, 2004 and we all went over there for a “surprise” barbeque, although Brian quickly figured out the “surprise” when we all showed up at his house and Mr. Christ started grilling burgers

During that time I (along with practically everyone else) never realized his relapse was not temporary, and instead he was crying out for help, just not to us. He always did a great job of maintaining his strength and dignity in front of us, of making sure that he appeared to be just fine, and things were going to get better.

That fall of 2004 I did start to see less and less of Brian, instead of everyday maybe 2 or 3 times a week. He would be in class, I would be working, we would talk about the upcoming presidential election, Redskins football, future job prospects and his recovery. I was encouraged by his willingness to try and figure out his future.

On Thanksgiving 2004 I went over to the Christ’s house to eat in the evening, after spending most of the day with my family. To my delight, Brian’s mom’s side of the family was also there, so I was able to see some of his cousins I had not seen in years as well as both of his grandmothers, his grandfather, and well the entire family that I had grown up with since I was 5.

Once again that night everything seemed so right in our world, we ate, we laughed, I was as always entertained by how Brian and his father interacted with each other, and I was able to catch up with a lot of his family whom I had not see in years.

After dinner we went out to Grevey’s and met up with Dimitri and Sean. Little did I ever think this would be the last time Brian, Dimitri and I would spend time together, laughing at the ridiculous jokes we told in my basement over the years, making fun of each other, and singing old songs

The last time I would see Brian in person was the night of my 23rd birthday party, December 4th 2004. It was another fun night, all of our friends in the area were out and Brian and I, as we had for the past 17 years, had an absolute blast. We spoke of his plans for the next spring that night, I encouraged him to take the job on Capitol Hill that Tom Davis had offered him, he didn’t seem too interested. He was more interested that night in mingling and seeing old friends

We dropped him off at his house that night, and I never imagined that would be the last time I would see him in person. As he had been doing over the past year he gave me a big hug anytime we would see each other, which if you knew him for a long time was not like him. But all during 2004, anytime we would hang out and go out, he was always sure to give me a great big bear hug before heading home, or before heading inside his house after we dropped him off

I didn’t see Brian over the next 10 days, but spoke to him on AIM or the phone (until it went out at his house 3 days before his death) and spoke of his finals, and if he was interested in joining us in New Orleans for New Years. We spoke everyday as usual, and I remember asking him in the last conversation we had about his finals. Of course he thought he failed them.

The night of Brian’s death, Dimitri and I went out together. We came home a little past midnight, and as I always do before passing out I checked some emails and read the newspaper online. I saw Brian was online on the AIM, but didn’t initiate a conversation, thinking whatever that I had to say could wait till the next day

I realize these days how lucky I was to have that final year with him, a year where he wasn’t trying to hide anything, but where he truly was trying to get better and recover.

I tell people all the time that in 50 years when we get together we will still be talking about Brian, and how lucky we were in our most formidable years to have experienced him.

We got to spend days and nights with him, cracking jokes, discussing politics, the future, philosophy, or religion. We planned parties with Brian, we built tree houses, and forts at the creek, we made art projects in school with him, we played kickball with him. We got to see Brian bring groups of people together, he really was unifying force, we saw him nail his SAT’s, explain insanely hard concepts in simple terms to us, watch him connect all his gadgets together, build desks and computers. We had him teach us how to open a beer bottle with a lighter, how to tie a one handed bowline, how to solve a discreet math problem, and most importantly that we could do anything if we simply went out, learned how, and put our minds to it.

This is why we miss him, because he was so special in getting us to be bold, be daring, and really find out about ourselves, even if it was never his intention to. But we all did, and we are all better for having been around Brian

RIP Brian, we are missing you lots

i was in english class and my teacher sang Knockin' on heaven's door to us.... and it reminded me of you so much.
thinking about you
<3 ash

Mrs. Christ, Ashley, Katelyn and I will be at Brian's grave site on Saturday, December 17, at 12:00 noon for a brief remembrance service for Brian. It was one year ago that we lost Brian on December 15, 2004.

If anyone would like to attend you are welcome. the service will run 12:00 Noon till 12:30 at the grave site. We would like to thank you all for remembering Brian through this website and would like to give a special thanks to Andy and anyone who has helped sustain this website.

Tony Christ- Brian's Dad

This is the first birthday I am having that is without you

From the time I turned 6 and my mom threw that bash in our kindergarden class till last year you were always a constant presence on my birthday, being the first to wish a happy birthday in some funny sarcastic way

These days just aren't going to be the same without you

Some of the great minds in the world have had a problem with drugs and alcohol and some might say that this is part of what made them great. I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say that I don't drink frequently or do drugs from time to time, but I don't think that it enhances any mind to greatness. I think that the great minds often use drugs and alcohol as a way to feel normal because their minds are on a totally different level of intelligence. Brian, I believe, was one of those great minds who just wanted to feel normal. As much as he knew how much more intelligent he was than most, I think he rather would have just have felt more normal. We all knew Brian had a pretty tough exterior but I think if you knew him well, you knew that was just a show. Brian was as nice and caring a person as you could meet, you just had to get through that shell. It's sad to think that it was that tough front he was putting on that could have been the cause for some of his drug use. "Still thinking about not living without it, outside looking in."

Thanks Andy, in advance, for posting the pictures of Brian. I really appreciate your starting and managing this site in Brian's memory. Someone had mentioned the intensity of the picture at the top of the site. One of the photos of him around age 3-4 displays the same engaging gaze.

One thing I did not mention in my last entry was that when Brian came to us for help, it was with the urging of his friend Ismail who Brian had just informed of his addiction a week or so before. The night Brian came home, Ismail, Jeff and Eduardo were already at our house with numbers of treatment centers in hand. They were there to intervene. Seeing the sad, sad looks on their faces, and the disbelief in their eyes, that were fixed on their friend as he spoke of his plans to get help, was heartbreaking. The gravity of the situation was unbearable. The feeling of loss and the grieving for what and who Brian may not ever be, started at that moment. I called on God right then, and I felt a peace that has stayed with me. It was too much to bear alone. Alone. The one thing that Brian was not able to give up easily was the pride about himself that he could handle things alone. That he could still drink a beer once and awhile. A pride that most 22 year olds have. They can handle things. He conceded he couldn't handle this completely, but the pride was still hanging on some.

I had said in the last entry that we called everyone we knew for help. We really only called a few people who were key in putting things into perspective for us and putting us in touch with others who got things moving. There was no negativity, only forward thinking. Some shared their own and/or family experiences with heroin and other addictions. At our lowest moments we were filled with hope. And there is always hope.

Reading through some of Brian's webjournal entries, once you look past the language and the fact that some were written when he was using or drinking, you see a very frightened and lost individual calling out for help. His entries when he was sober are the same. We didn't know about webjournals until after his death. We didn't know a lot of things. Thank goodness we had the chance to be with him and talk to him the last year of his life. We were able to say things to him and apologize for things in the past and he did the same with us. What a blessing. When he was born, Dr. T., a Japanese doctor, came in the room bowed, examined Brian, wrote in the chart, stood up and said "Talk to him", bowed and left the room. That made such an impression on me. And we did talk to him, and love him with all our hearts, maybe too much sometimes, maybe not. He told us he did not blame us for anything and that he accepted responsibility for all his choices.

It's still hard to face that he felt so bad about himself. He wrote in notes from the treatment center that he felt like he never fit in and that drugs bridged that gap. That he wore a lot of masks.

I don't know what to say. We loved him cradle to grave and would have been there for him if he had lived an entire lifetime addicted- supporting his treatment, kicking him out if necessary, loving with boundaries, just loving him. You do everything that you possibly can, and then leave it to the person and God. Brian had said his troubles started when he left God out of the equation.

We'd like to hear if anyone has had a positive change in their life, or learned from Brian's death something they can share, since almost a year has passed. Thank you all again for your kindness and love.

I miss you and I love you Brian, Forever, Mom

Thanksgiving Day of last year was the last time Brian 'n I hung out. That evening, Ismail, Sean, Brian, and I met up at Grevey's for about an hour and a half or so. We just hung out; nothing special. I remember Brian was wearing a grey tee shirt, it was cold and windy outside, and the last two songs playing as we left the place were "Karma Police" and "Ramble On". Actually, I can vividly remember him and I looking up and smiling at one another as we heard "Ramble On" begin to play. It's fitting that those were the last two songs him 'n I ever listened to together. I dropped Brian off at his house that night, just like I had a hundred times before, and I told him I'd see him when I was back home for Christmas break; I never suspected that it would be the last time I'd ever speak with my old friend.

Amidst my sadness this past Thanksgiving Day, as I was thinking about how just 1 year before was the last day I hung out with Brian, I also couldn't help but reflect upon and re-live in my mind years of good memories with him, and be thankful that, as Ismail said, I knew him, and I knew him well. He was really a great guy, and it's comforting to know that bits 'n pieces of his unique character are scattered throughout all who knew him.

A year ago today.. was the last time I saw you Brian. Your friends miss you so much and wish more than anything you were still around to go cosmic bowling, play cards, listen to music, play pool, and eat late nights at IHOP. These are the small things that just aren't the same without you.

Dear LeeAnn;

Thanks for filling us in on this terrible tragedy. Our heartfelt sympathies continue to be with you during this time.

Love,

Ianthe

hey everyone, just to let you know i'll be posting some pics of brian in the next day or two that i got from his mom. as soon as i'm done with one of my senior projects, i'll try and set it up so we can see some memories of brian during the thanksgiving holidays.

It's been almost a year that my precious child has been gone from us. The image of him slumped forward, lifeless and pale at his computer that cold Dec. morning will never leave my mind. Nor will the frantic moments when his father and I threw him to the floor and blew our air into his lungs and pumped his chest in anquish, screaming and pleading for him to come back. And at the emergency room watching as his lifeless body lay hooked up to monitors with no electrical activity, and motionless except for the periodic heaving up and down from unsuccessful attempts to shock the life back into him. It's all too harsh a reality to forget. It's there always but I don't dwell on it.

The worst moment in my life became my best. For at that moment it came over me that life does not end, it continues in a way we cannot comprehend. As our priest, Father John, said at Brian's funeral, "Don't worry Lee Ann and Tony, you will see Brian again." He continued, that it is not just life after death but love after death that awaits us. I experienced that love flowing from above immediately and it hasn't stopped. I am open to it. It is my blessing and my strength. How else does one deal with the experience I just related?

We found out from the treatment center that Brian had a history of using drugs since he was 15. We only became aware of his drinking beer, and using marijuana in college when he talked to us in his junior year when he had a few glasses of wine at a holiday dinner and we said to slow down. He down played it and convinced us that although he used it here and there, pot was not something he even liked or would continue, and the beer/drinking was just social. There were no outward signs of abuse. He had good grades, his appearance was the same, not disheveled, and his outlook was very positive. He was running a painting business as well as going to school. He was 20 by then and more mature. The wine at holiday time was the only time we would see him drink. We believed him at this point. He seemed in control. We were to find out that it was not just those drugs, alcohol and pot, that he used, and that heroin would end up as his drug of choice. He was very smart and covered his tracks well and continued to perform well in things, not bringing attention to himself or any problem with drugs.

His freshman year at UVA, in Dec., he had his wisdom teeth extracted, and he, being 18, was given a prescription to oxycontin. Only until weeks before his death when one of his sisters was due to have her wisdom teeth out, did he tell me that he had gotten the prescription refilled on his own and also gotten it in other ways after that. The interview with Robert Shapiro alludes to the ease of kids getting that and other perscription drugs.

After withdrawing from UVA his senior year in the fall of 2003 he stayed with us, saying he was unsure about school, was not going to classes, had some personal issues he was sad about, and that he had insomnia. He didn't want to speak with anyone about it and started to feel better, returning to school in the winter only to call us on Feb. 13, 2004 to tell us he had been using heroin for 4 months (2 months orally, or snorting it, and 2 months in his veins ) and was now addicted.

He came home for help. A blessing. For the first 3 days with him in withdrawal symptoms, he told us he had a plan to keep going to school, keep working with U. Painters, and also of entering an outpatient rehab in Charlottesville, and to keep driving. We at the same time were mobilizing and calling everyone we knew for help. We all came to the conclusion, after Brian tried one day of being back in Charlottesville on his own that outpatient wasn't the answer. He had asked for methadone and the Dr. said he didn't qualify because he had only been addicted 4 months not a year. He got it anyway and his uncle Jon found him in a stupor the day after we reluctantly left him to carry out his plan. The heroin he told us, he got in Baltimore and Richmond not in Charlottesville.

We found a bed for him at a rehab center called Hazelden and he agreed to go. He left the next day for a 4 week rehab stay and stayed 2 weeks extra for a spiritual retreat. We went to the family program and had our eyes and hearts opened in intense group and ind. meetings with addicts and other family members. It helped Brian and us. While he was there he relinquished a lot, stripping down to the core of who he was, leaving school, cell phones, computer, outside infuences, and even friends behind, just to heal himself for recovery. We also had to recover.

In the months he lived with us, he tried various groups and kept looking for the best fit. Working for 3 months as an electrician's helper, getting up at 5am and being exhausted when he got home, was a really good thing for him. His friends went out with him and ordered soda around him to help keep him on track in the evenings. Ironically he helped wire the new emergency room at Fairfax Hospital where they took him the day he died.

By fall he found counseling at a place he thought was going to help. He finished 2 electrical engineering classes at George Mason in the Fall of 2004 to possibly transfer back to UVA. He had contacted the dean and had permission to return when ready. He complied for 6 months with the license suspension he recieved in May. About 5 weeks before he died, he was placed on Zoloft. He really had an anxiety problem but the Dr. was careful not to give Valium as it is highly addictive also. He finished his classes, saying he either failed or did really well. He got B's, but he never knew that. His license was reissued a week before he died. He seemed more like himself and he had hope about his future.

I talked to him the night before he died about God and religion, something we spoke about a lot the past year. I told him I loved him but more importantly God loved him. His face and his nod gave me assurance he knew this. His dad and he were to play pool that night. I left to get his sister and came back and both of their cars were gone, but they were not together. His dad thought he was home with me setting up the Christmas tree. I went to bed earlier than usual and Tony came home earlier than usual. He said Brian's car was there. We were happy he was in early too. He had already gotten the heroin he would use that night and was back home. We didn't know. Although we did drug test him and were ready if necessary to let him go get help on his own if he didn't comply to recovering, we didn't check his room all the time. That night and next day were times we did not check. It was 8:10am the next morning when we found him, sitting at his computer, no syringes or vials or tourniquets in sight. And the rest you know.

There was a book someone sent to us that helped me immensely. A small Orthodox book on death of a loved one. I'll quote in case it may help someone else whose child died.

"St John Chrysostom counsels us to give thanks to God no matter who dies: if it is your husband, then God Himself will become your protector. If it was your wife, perhpaps God is calling you to continence, to a nobler field of

conflict. Perhaps your child died- consider how many never recieved children at all. It may be that God foreknew that great trials awaited the child, and wished to spare both it and yourself the heartbreak." And on dying with sin upon you, from St. John Chrysotom, "... For if the children of Job were purged by the sacrifice of their father, why dost thou doubt that when we too offer for the departed, some consolation arises to them? since God is wont to grant the petitions of those who ask for others?"

And form Tertullian, "It is not meet to mourn for him who is gone before, but simply to miss him and long for him."

This I do. I know Brian had a good heart and a good soul and God knows our hearts. Look inside and check yours frequently.

We all love and miss you Brian. Eternally, Mom

11 months

Where the hell did this year go without you?

A girl up here died from a heroin overdose, her boyfriend, "or some guy she met" supplied her with the drug. She was 18 and in highschool and it's very weird to me that 1. she was at an apartment right next door to my friend 2. a girl from my school gave her mouth to mouth after it was too late. 3. a good friend of mine works with the girls father. 4. somehow a girl i barely even know, feels like one of my best friends.

Isn't life strange? Reminders of brian everyday and thousands out there like him. Pray for them, and for us, so we have the courage to ask someone if they Really are "ok?"

Steve, thanks for mentioning the Larry King Live transcript; I found it and read the entire thing. There are so many similarities between Brian and Grant's situations, and we all know there's thousands more with the same type of problem.

It's sad, but true that there are kind, bright, responsible, respectable people, like Brian, who have the same affliction. However, at the same time, it is comforting to know that Brian was not alone in his grave predicament; and that he was not selfish, purposely self-destructive, careless on a quest for pleasure, or abnormally weak willed. He had an affliction caused by smaller mistakes which eventually spiraled into something much worse and mostly uncontrollable.

I'm certain that if Brian could have controlled himself, he would have. But, the fact is, as evidenced by his case and cases like Grant Shapiro's, even the brightest people with the strongest will are susceptable to such addictions. I hope others will read things like this website and the Larry King article on Grant Shapiro and learn to never start in the first place. And I hope that people who know someone with an addiction problem won't judge them as being "bad," "stupid," "selfish," etc, but instead be supportive in recovery and realize that sometimes that might mean being harsh or even being the "snitch"-- because in some cases, the reality is if you don't "snitch" on your friend one day, he/she might be dead the next.

I know Brian died from using a street drug, but I also know he used prescription drugs and I strongly suspect that those made up for some of the very large steps on his way up to heroin, and since I'm already angry, I'd like to say that I wish nothing but the worst for doctors who irresponsibly prescribe drugs like vicodin, percoset, oxycotin and the like. If you know a doctor like that, realize he's just handing you what could very well become a life-long problem, and he's profitting off of it, too. Also, damn the insurance companies for covering the cost of prescriptions, but not the costly rehab for those who need it.


And by the way, here's a link to the Larry King Live transcript:

http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0511/06/lkl.01.html

I saw part of an interview on Larry KIng live Monday night. Famed attorney Robert Shapiro was interviewed about the terrible loss of his 24 year old son on Oct. 10 of an apparent drug overdose.
It reminded me of the terrible loss of Brian.
To find a transcript of the interview, I went to yahoo search and typed larry king live. Then I chose transcripts, Nov 6.
I hope some may find it interesting.

i miss you.

This weekend is real weird for me.. this time last year.. Me, Eduardo, Mike, Kevin, Andy, Brian and some randoms were at a Halloween party together.. having a freaking blast all night long. It was such a good time.. I look back on it and can only smile.. but feel bittersweet at the same time because Brian isn't around this year to come out.. and be too cool for a costume. =)
I just got back from hearing my dad's band play at the Cowboy Cafe.. where Brian would always come with me, Eduardo, and Mike.. he played your song Brian- I hope you were listening. I miss you.

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night and there is sweetness in the laughter of all the stars and in the memories of those you love."

The hardest I've ever seen Brian laugh, was during this scene:

"For your information, this is me being creative"

I'm wearing your socks today. Remember the gray ankle socks you always wore with those horrible blue sandals that you ended up having to duct tape together? Yeah, those. They're way too big for me but I kind of like how the heel part falls off. Somehow they ended up being transferred from your sock drawer to mine.

It was nice to see you in my dreams last night. Thanks for visiting.

Love, K

I don't know if it's just me but the picture of Brian at the top of the website just makes my hair raise. It feels as if he's actually there looking right back at you.

Often times I listen to this song while thinking of Brian and reflecting upon the past. It's not a happy song, but not all memories are happy. I wonder if others understand why I associate this song with Brian; I hope some do. If you don't know it, you should listen to it, as the lyrics alone aren't sufficient.


The Smashing Pumpkins - "1979"

Shakedown 1979, cool kids never have the time
On a live wire right up off the street
You and I should meet
Junebug skipping like a stone
With the headlights pointed at the dawn
We were sure we'd never see an end to it all
And I don't even care to shake these zipper blues
And we don't know
Just where our bones will rest
To dust I guess
Forgotten and absorbed into the earth below
Double cross the vacant and the bored
They're not sure just what we have in the store
Morphine city slippin dues down to see
That we don't even care as restless as we are
We feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts
And poured cement, lamented and assured
To the lights and towns below
Faster than the speed of sound
Faster than we thought we'd go, beneath the sound of hope
Justine never knew the rules,
Hung down with the freaks and the ghouls
No apologies ever need be made, I know you better than you fake it
To see that we don't care to shake these zipper blues
And we don't know just where our bones will rest
To dust I guess
Forgotten and absorbed into the earth below
The street heats the urgency of sound
As you can see there's no one around

Our lives seem to be an open book since you passed on Brian. That's okay. In scrutinizing us maybe others will take a look at themselves and make changes. We go three steps forward one back sometimes, but mostly forward.
We learned that the zoloft you were taking for 4 weeks (for anxiety vs depression) can cause dissociation in adolescents and young adults. There's a possibility then, that you were "watching" yourself that day using the heroin, as if an observer in the whole thing. The coroners' report showed a very small amount of heroin as well. Someone else may benefit from knowing this.
It's a damp, dreary October so far. But nothing dampens the light in my heart when I think of you, your dad and sisters- our family as imperfect as we may be. I remember how Ashley and Katelyn, you, Ismail and Idrese would plan in July what you would "be" for Halloween. I recall all the years we took you guys to the Halloween Parade in Vienna. Grandad and Karen were troopers and joined in the fun too. I can see you and Leah squeezing with glee the big pumpkins you picked from her Grampas' yard. Grandma heard your song twice the other day. You were about 3 or so and your eyes opened wide in disbelief when it said "no halloween". It was by Stevie Wonder- "I just called to say I love you". You passed it on to your sisters as something to listen for too. The last snapshot of you in a costume was about age 14, with Dimitri, Ismail and the rest of "the crew" good heartedly posing for the camera. I also remember one fall driving you and Kate home from UVA and while both of you got much needed sleep in the back seat, I left your CD in and kept letting it repeat. Was it Drop Kick Murphy? Anyway I had told you it sounded like pirates yelling at each other, but I got used to it and kind of liked certain songs by the end of the trip!
In some of the dreams I 've had about you Brian, you are learning something- what I can't tell, but you are excited about it. I'm thankful for the dreams and for my memories. The 244 coins laying in my path and elsewhere since you've been gone are still unexplained!!
Your life touched many Brian. It touched mine, your Dads' and Katelyn and Ashleys' indelibly and forever. I miss you and love you, Mom

Brian, you would have loved the Rolling Stones concert last night at the Stadium. Remember Dave Matthews our first year? It brought back memories to see all those kids sitting in front of Dunglison and Fitzhugh.

CJ's bringin' back some good memories. In fact, I remember one party in particular that you invited us to. Brian 'n Kate picked me up and when we got there, there were a couple of cases of beer and no girls (except Kate and some other dude's girl). haha, but yeah we still had fun man...always a good time with Brian.

Happy Belated Birthday, Brian. We all miss you very much.

Brian,

Sorry I missed your birthday bro. Somehow you keep making it into my conversations, even when I was out in California and around noone who knew you. Now I'm back in Vienna waiting for you to call me and tell me about some kegger going on in falls church, only to show up and find a couple cases of beer and no girls. Even then we'd still have fun. I hope you are having a good time up there, we all miss you down here. O'Connell is having our 5 year reunion soon and it's not gonna be the same without you there.

Your birthday was friday, I knew that and I too like many of our other friends have tried to block out that you are gone. Just as you felt about not seeing nathan and pushing important people aside. I too feel what you felt. I'm sorry that the last time I saw you was for a 10 minute conversation at Bally's about how you have been doing, you always would make fun of me for how weak I was but that's just motivation.
I'm still playin D3 lacrosse, and when I step on the field, know that you, nathan, and other loved ones that passed away are written on a piece of tape on my wrist and engraved in my heart. For everyone that doesn't know this verse already remember it when you are feeling week, Phil 4:13........Ryan

My true hope is that there are people who are addicted and family members reading this site. Such as those that Andy's link took us to in one of the livejournals Brian participated in. After looking at some of the postings Brian made, it seems to me he was trying to help others in his own chaos. His mind was always racing he said-He needed to talk. He told me many times he wanted to tell people his story to help them and also himself, but wasn't in that place yet. He told me he was trying to find the right fit-the right group or individual to open up to, to help him be accountable. His friends and family could support but not always understand. PLEASE keep looking and find that right fit. Any fit is better than none. Know that you are loved by someone, and probably by many, who may not understand completely but want you to succeed to sobriety and recovery. And please know, we are all loved from above. I do not minimize your sitution and what you are dealing with. Do not give up. Keep encouraging and helping each other and not putting up with each other's worrisome behaviors. Be there when someone is sliding, it will also help you in the end. When Jesus was asked by the Pharisees what the most important commandment was; "37 Jesus replied: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” We're supposed to look out for each other.
On a very emotional note. I heard this old folk song yesterday and it somewhat expresses the daily pain and longing in my heart. The pain is tolerable as most will tell you and if you have hope it is not consuming. Anyway-

Oh Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling
From glen to glen
and down the mountain side
The summer's gone,
and all the floweres are dying
'Tis you, 'Tis you.
must go and I must Bide
But come you back
when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed
and white with snow
'Tis I'll be here
in sunshine or in shadow
Oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy,
I love you so

I know in some of the recovery programs you are encouraged to keep your Higher power to yourself. Put a name to that Higher power, whatever you were brought up to believe, and believe. And seek out those who believe as you do. My God is Christ. Amoung many prayers, there is a prayer our neice sent us that helps me with Brian's death. Maybe it will help some of you too.

Dear Lord,
I pray to thee for all those we love,
but see no longer;
Grant them thy peace;
Let light perpetually shine on them;
And in thy loving wisdom and almighty power,
work in them
The same good purpose of thy perfect will.
Throuh Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen

Thanks to all for helping us. Couldn't do it without you. Liv, I hope your heart is healing too.

Brian, I love you and miss you and I know you're okay. Mom

Happy birthday Brian

I remember all those times at Chuck E Cheese, the movies, your backyard, in school, your house, wherever. It was always THE coolest party to start off the school year.

Happy 23rd, missing you

Happy Birthday Brian:-)

I remnember when Dimitri and I went down to visit you on your 18th birthday at UVA. That was a fun weekend. Haha, I also remember when Justin and I came down and picked you and Kate up for our adventure down to Virginia Tech to visit Ismail, Anthony, Chris, JB, and the gang.

I still have your Eric is a Mongoloid CD, and I still have that Buju Banton CD that you always wanted back from me. I kept on telling you I would give it back, but I seem to have forgot.

Anyways buddy, just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you, and that both you and your family will always be in my prayers.

Rememberin all the fun times:-)

Happy birthday Brian.

Happy birthday, B.

Happy Birthday, Brian. Keep looking down upon all of us. We all miss and love you very much.
~Vanessa~
PS. I'm looking after Katelyn for you.

LET NOT YOUR HEART BE TROUBLED.
IN MY FATHER'S HOUSE ARE MANY MANSIONS; IF IT WERE NOT SO, I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU. I GO TO PREPARE A PLACE FOR YOU.
AND IF I GO AND PREPARE A PLACE FOR YOU, I WILL CCOME AGAIN, AND RECEIVE YOU UNTO MYSELF; THAT WHERE I AM, THERE YE MAY BE ALSO.
AND WHITHER I GO YE KNOW, AND THE WAY YE KNOW.
ST. JOHN 14

A TRIBUTE TO MY NEPHEW BRIAN:
Twenty three years ago an exceptional human being was born. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIAN!
When I must leave you for a little while,
please do not grieve and shed wild tears and hug your sorrow to you through the years, but start out bravely with a gallant smile: and for my sake and in my name live on and do all things the same, feed not your lonliness on empty days, but fill each waking hour in useful ways, reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer and I in turn will comfort you and hold you near; and never, never be afraid to die, for I am waiting for you in the sky. IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY NEPHEW BRIAN.
We Love you and miss you,
Aunt Ianthe

happy birthday brian. this is the first birthday we haven't celebrated together in 23 years, which is weird, but it's ok. it will be hard to not keep picking up the phone to call you like i have in all these past years while we've been at school. i have a greek test today- think you can help me out with that?

i visited Brian's grave a couple weekends ago when I was home unexpectedly for a funeral that took place in the same cemetery. it was more emotional to go back than i thought, but i also think he's been watching out for me lately.

i love you and miss you...

Tommorrow is Brian's birthday and we hope that his stone and a bench will be in place at his grave site.

Mrs. Christ and I would like to thank you all for your concerns and your flow of memories on Brian's website.

Brian's Dad

As Brian's birthday approaches, I know we all think more 'n more about him. He would be turning 23 this Friday, and we'd all get together and have a great time celebrating with him.

A lotta times I still don't choose to realize that Brian is gone. I suppose that I subconsciously try to ignore it, but it's impossible to do so. So, then I try to remember certain little things about him: His laugh, his voice, his smile, the way he would nod hello as he walked down his driveway toward my car, etc. And I try to think about the good times we had, but there's so many that usually when I try to think about a particular event or moment, everything just seems to conglomerate. Well, that's for the most part; there are still certain things that stick out in memory more than others. I'll write about those another time, even though it seems like I'm constantly re-living them.

Last Saturday we (GMU) had a football game. We lost, but as I was leaving the school, a feeling of joy struck through me. For I was thinking of Brian, and, for the first time since he passed away, I felt GOOD about him. I felt like he was right there with me, and I felt that he was at peace.

"Many times in my life I have had revelations, brought on by events I was either directly involved in, or observed. I appreciate learning and growing through those experiences and through the wisdom of others. A very poignant occurrence took place about four months ago. A good friend of mine, that I had known since I was six years old, passed away in late September of 2003.

He was one of the many people I have known and fallen out of touch with. I had not spoken to or seen him in a few years, and when we did meet it was usually a chance occurrence. Nevertheless, he was a good childhood friend, one of the gang, one of the guys from the old neighborhood. He and his family were people I knew well and always assumed would be fixtures in my memory and community. I have had several experiences with death during my short life so far, including elderly family members, and aquaintances, but this time it was different.
This time was the first time someone outside of my family, who I knew so well and for so long, passed away. I've known other young people who unfortunately left us long before their time it seems, but this loss struck me deeply and in an almost cathartic way.

Attending the funeral was a solemn and somewhat foreign, yet frighteningly familar experience. People from my not so distant past all congregated to pay their respects. It was surreal, like some macabre school or family reunion. After walking through the doors and seeing the grim faces,I felt I had just entered an ominous room, teeming with distant recollections. In the midst of the grief over the loss of our friend, there was sacred unity and kind of unspoken joy in the air that grew with every handshake and very hug and kiss from each established stranger.

I will always remember my friend for who he was and the times we shared. I will always appreciate his funeral and how it helped me remember so much that I had pushed aside. This recent event is just one of the many throughout the years so far that has helped me to better understand myself, and the world in which I live. However good or bad these short chapters of my life are, have been, and will be, I expect to continue growing and maturing and making sure I do not let time slip by without paying close attention, and making the most of every minute."

i was sent this email from a caring soul in scotland:

Hi there

I didn't know Brian and somehow stumbled across your website but I thought I would drop you a line. I am 22 and when I was 18 I had three friends pass away in one year - one died of cystic fibrosis, another in a car accident and another took his own life.

It was a pretty hard time. I had never experienced death before and hyperventilated every day and spent a week in bed. This year we had another tragedy - a friend of mine died in her sleep at 27 with no warning leaving behind a 6 month old baby and a 2 year old.

The hardest thing in all these cases is trying to be there for the ones left behind.

Anyway thats enough cheer from me for one day!

I hope there are some good days in among the bad ones.

Love

Liv McPherson

I'd like to thank Liv for her compassion, and I hope that this website still manages to touch some people like it did all of us.

I have some news to share about Brian's cemetery marker. Anyone who has been to his grave knows there is still a temporary plate there. His birthday is Sept. 16 and we are hoping that the marker will finally be in place before that day. A bench has also been ordered and will have a permanent flower vase. Thanks to all of you who have been leaving flowers for him.
Thanks to all of you who continue to inquire how we are doing. Little did I know that instead of birthday gifts for Brian I would be expecting a cemetery marker for that day, and I would know that carnations were the longest lasting flower to place at his grave. As time proceeds, so do we. There is not a moment in the day that we do not think of him though. Reminders are everywhere-in the faces of young men his age, when we see the type of car he used to drive, when we see mail with his name on it and on and on. You can't escape life around you, nor should we try to. Personal memories closer to our hearts, his belongings, pictures, videos, words of remembrance from relatives and friends are comforting and cherished though and always welcomed.
There have been two natural disasters since Brian died- the tsunami and this huricane. Days after his funeral I saw the picture of the woman lying prostrate in the sand with only her husband's hand showing in the picture. I had an immediate connection with that woman. The moment of realization of your loved one's death and departure from this world is agonizingly painful. Thank God, He does not leave us there.
The comfort I felt from the love from above and from the people at the funeral literaly filled my heart and soul that day. Faith-what you believe in but cannot see- is what has helped me the most. For those of you who mourn or are lost in someway or another, "Do not rationalize your hope away.. It is a process". It is a process-one day at a time. I pray for patience and I praise God for my many blessings. It was a blessing to have Brian for 22 years- Brian as he was throughout his life, begining to end, not his accomplishments or goals, just Brian. We love you Brian. Mom and Dad

It's time to enter something. I've been walking around UVa for about a week now taking it all in. I've been by where you lived first year and I run by your old house sometimes. UVa's a great place, (don't get me wrong) but now I know why you felt the way you did here. It all hit me yesterday when I was walking home to my prison cell (dillard) and this guy ran by me and sideswiped me... all I got was a glimpse of his Uva shirt that read "We Really Are Better Than You!" (I'd like to think that you had a hand in him almost running into a pole shortly there after)
It's easy to feel like your drowning in a sea of overachievers here, but you kept your head up and I plan to as well...
words can't describe the comfort I feel knowing that you are here with me... someone's gotta try to straighten these people out right? :)
-katelyn

The last time I saw you, it was one year ago today.

August 12, 2004

Today I spent the afternoon "discovering" the National Zoo with Brian. We "discovered" reptiles, smelly elephants, uppity giraffes, half-dead panda bears, and the ever-exciting lemurs. The place isn't nearly as cool as it's hyped up to be when (a) you're over the age of 10, (b) everything is "under construction," and (c) you don't have a sno-cone.

It was really wonderful to see Brian again. I hadn't seen him since February, and though we've been in contact via email this whole time, I was a little nervous to see him. Yes, I dabbed on a bit of lipstick. I guess there will always be a part of me that wants to try to look pretty for him.

It was incredibly comfortable and I felt surprisingly relaxed. I didn't feel like either of us was "acting," I was honest and didn't feel like we were skirting issues, there was no accusing, and neither of us brought up any bad memories. And although I have a lot of wonderful memories, there are quite a few bad ones as well. Maybe he doesn't even remember the worst of them, which is probably for the best.

After the zoo, we went to Booeymonger's in Georgetown, where he got a sandwich and I ate my afternoon snack. It was the first time all day that we actually looked at each other while we talked.

I dropped him off at his house and we gave each other a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I left smiling.

Brian's family and friends are still very much in my thoughts. Time heals the pain I've heard, so hopefully it is working for you.

Summer just isn't as fun without you.

Ismail is right. Brian would have been very happy for Patrick and Vannessa on their wedding day. As a special sentiment to Brian, they handed us three roses before heading down the aisle as man and wife. We were so touched and I know the love I feel from Brian each day was there with them on their special day.

A little note on finding the coins. Since that entry in May I have found 51 more coins (in 52 days) making it about 131 total. Some of you e-mailed with similar experiences,dreams you've had and thoghts on the subject. Thanks for sharing those. I found some info. that talked about a parable of Jesus where He places " great emphasis on how God feels toward one of His children who is lost, but repents and returns. This brings rejoicing in heaven!" The parable of the lost coin (and coins in those days were highly valuble and neccessary for everyday life) reads "Or what woman, having ten silver coins, if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp, sweep the house, and search carefully until she finds it/?" (Luke 15:8) "What is Jesus teaching with this parable?" "Likewise, I say to you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents" (Luke 15:10)

Maybe these coins are a message from heaven, like so amny web sites talk about. I know I feel good when I find them. I don't plan on getting rich finding all this money, but I feel a richness inside . Maybe I'm the sinner He's talking about.

Thank you all for continuing to call us and e-mail us and share your memories of Brian with us. It means so much.

I love you honey. Mom

Patrick got married today.

It was amazing. And the whole time I thought of how much you were enjoying it also, how a dear old friend of ours has found the love of his life.

The wedding still seemed incomplete without you being there, just as life in general does.

We could only speak of some of the wise cracks that you would have had during the wedding, and the old memories that we all shared growing up.

Missing you tons these days

To the O'Connell Mom of the 2000 Grad.,

I am weeping with Joy right now. To hear your story makes telling Brian's ever so more important. If you want to talk in person, just to talk ,I'm available. If not I understand.
I'm so very happy to hear you have intervened in your child's life and it sounds like you are willing to do what you humanly can to help your child and your family. God Bless you all.
Lee Ann Christ and family
(messages2lac@yahoo.com)

Brian, I miss you beyond words. Christ gives me strength every day to carry on. In our pain we will be stronger for others. I love you honey. Mom

July 4th....

Brian always had the coolest fireworks at his house, or knew SO MUCH about them, you would simply be in awe.

Here is to all of those times I spent with you and your family on the 4th of July, whethere at 3229 Nealon Dr, 6635 Kennedy La, or in Ocean City.

The display would be quite magnificent, and even if you did not know how, you would convince everyone that you knew exaclty how the fireworks worked and why they did what they did.

I'll be launching a few fireworks for you this weekend, I can't think of the last time I wasn't with you on July 4th

BRIAN AND THIS WEBSITE SAVED MY CHILD'S LIFE. UPON READING THIS SITE, I REALIZED I NEEDED TO GET MY CHILD INTO REHAB BEFORE HE TOO LOST HIS LIFE....HE HAD HIT ROCK BOTTOM & I DO BELIEVE HE HAS BEEN GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE. WE MAY STILL BE IN DENIAL OF HIS PROBLEM, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR READING THESE POSTS ABOUT BRIAN'S DEATH. HOPEFULLY, MORE PEOPLE CAN LEARN BY BRIAN'S LOSS & GET THEIR LOVED ONES THE HELP THEY NEED BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. LET'S FACE IT...FAMILIES ARE SOMETIMES THE LAST TO KNOW SO WHY DON'T YOU KIDS START HELPING OUT & STOP COVERING FOR EACH OTHER & DISTRIBUTING THIS CRAP? LIFE IS NOT A GAME~ WHEN YOU LOSE YOU DON'T GET ANOTHER CHANCE~ IT'S OVER! HOW MANY MORE PEOPLE ARE WE GOING TO LET DIE BEFORE WE ALL WAKE UP? GOD BLESS BRIAN AND HIS FAMILY...

brian, today i was on myspace and saw that "you" had logged into your myspace account on june 15, 2005. how odd. i knew you were resourceful, but this is ridiculous. i'm confused.

Its been 6 months but its felt like 6 life times.

We are missing you and remembering you each day, rest in peace

6 months.

Dear Brian;
As school comes to an end, I continue to receive graduation announcements and invitations from former students of mine as well as from distant relatives. Each time I do, I automatically think of you and your many accomplishments over the years. It saddens me beyond words, to know that you did not get to see your Graduation.
You worked hard over the years and deserved that diploma more than anyone. You continued to persevere despite the many distractions along the way. You were to be commended on your perseverance and on a job well done.
We were all so very proud of you. We watched you grow into such a fine young man. Words cannot describe how sorry I am to know that drugs took over your life. You cannot be replaced.
Now we only have the memories of your good natured soul. You were a good nephew and a good cousin. Even though you did not get to see your graduation and the diploma that you so deserved,
we all know of your many accomplishments. You were a teasure to all that knew you and you will always continue to be a part of our lives.
I will continue to see you through Ashley's eyes and your gentle, kind and loving spirit will always be a part of my heart. Eternal Love is extended to my nephew. Until we meet again....Aunt Ianthe

Brian, adventurous? Ah you don't say. Kate, and Mrs Christ's post brought back some interesting memories of Brian when we were in scouts and his boldness.

Also the picture, thats an interesting story behind it. I know what painting it is but I never realized he got it in Greece in 1992. And oh yeah, I also had the same look in 1992 when Brian went to Greece for those 2 weeks because I had nobody to talk to on the bus.

As far as the stories from scouts, there are so many. The one I remember most was when Brian, in 1996 at a campout in Gettysburg, decided to lead a late night expedition through the battlefields. And by late night I mean 1 or 2 am. Against my wishes (of course I was always cautious) he took a bunch of the younger scouts from the camp ground to the battlefield for a walk through at night.

Nervously I waited (mainly because I was the Senior Patrol Leader in our troop and if anything happened it was on me) and the kids came back about an hour later, tired.

The next day all they could talk about was what a wonderful expierence they had. A hint of envy was in me because I wasn't daring enough to take this late night adventure. But those kids felt something special and it was because of Brian's sense of adventure and his ability to lead 12 and 13 year olds on something they would soon not forget

I know exactly which painting Mrs. Christ is describing below--Brian and I talked about it a lot, actually. We saw other paintings with the same signature on it when Brian came to Greece with my family in 2001, in the little shops in Lindos. And the way he was so adventurous and curious as a 9 year old in Athens is also how he was at 18 in Rhodes. I was used to it by then so I didn't really notice, but my parents always talk about how open-minded he was on that trip, always up for anything and everything. There wasn't anything he wasn't interested in. And that's the thing about Brian--he never let himself miss out on anything. As cliche as it sounds, he really did always live life to the fullest.

When Brian was about 9 years old I took him and his sisters to Greece with my friend Morphoula and her two girls. We stayed with her family in Athens. Much to my surprise everyone was for the trip even though we were two mothers with 7 kids alone. My mother later told me about the forlorn looks on Brians' Dads' and Chris'(Morphoulas' husband) faces after we departed. It was the end of Feb. and not a good time to take off work for them.

It was a real adventure. One thing that struck me was how Brian took to his surroundings. He was very interested in the history, climbing fearlessly up rocky paths to the summits of ruins, while the rest of us held on to each other and stayed far away from any edges.

One day after returning to the apt., having visited the market place, he asked if we could go back to get a painting he had seen but that I had not. So he and I got into a taxi and found our way to the square, through the narrow rows of vendors, to an out of the way art shop. It had rickety old steps leading down to a musty basement. Earlier that day he had been to this place himself ,looking for something. He found this painting. When we got there, he spoke to the shop owner and bought and paid for the painting with his own money.

Now as I'm typing this, in his room at our house, the painting hangs unframed on his wall. It's a picture of the sun rising or setting on the horizon of the mediteranian sea , with two empty rowboats facing the sun, in a shallow tide. I thought then what a beautiful scene this was for a nine year old to pick out. Now it seems even more beautiful and meaningful. It really reminds me of him and his grandfather Christ, a fisherman when he could be. He is buried next to his grandfather. A bittersweet memory.

I know you all have your memories of Brian. Some of you may only have ones of him while he was using drugs. We are not naive when it comes to the history, the extent, the lifestyle or the very awful things conected to that useage. He told us about it himself. If you only have memories of him like this please don't glorify the drug use. Instead hold high in your minds the desire he had to stop using, the courage and hope he had to try, even with his doubts, and the fact that he did take the steps to change his life for the better. A bold step for one who wanted to do things all by himself.

Here are the words to a Foo Fighter song that he played a lot while he was recovering last year.

"I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
Then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
Burning off alone

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I'm a little divided
Do I stay or run
And leave it all behind?

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again"

We miss you Brian, Love Mom & Dad, Katelyn and Ashley

note-since my last entry on th 26th I found 10 more coins!?!

"So I flipped out monday, wound up in a psuedo squat with some junkies, got high, got sick, had a team of my real friends and family out searching for me, and decided to come crawling back home yesterday...instead of throwing fuel onto a newly kindled habit. I can't escape these people who seem to care about me, it's crazy, no matter what I do and how pissed they get they still reach out and pull me back...can't go letting them or myself down anymore. So I'm back and sober again, and I think I've answered any lingering questions I may have had about me and controlled use of anything really. Yet another learning experience. I'm gonna suck up my pride and go see a head shrinker and maybe get into some outpatient group around here I heard of (some AA ties, but not dogmatic pontificating thoughtpolice)...unfortunately it really seems to me that any more rehab is futile at this point and that it's all in my hands. I'm getting too old to be fucking around like this anymore, and getting family and friends all concerned. It hurts much more to let those who care about me down, than it does letting myself down. If I ever fuck up again I'm hitting the road for good, I can't deal with the guilt..............."

August 19, 2004

I was reading Ismail's last entry and thinking about friendship and what a great friendship the two of you had Brian. After turning 50 this April I can now say I have had my best friends for 40-45 years. I always pictured you guys growing up and staying in touch like that. Just as Ismail's mom used to forsse you guys having a big double wedding! Don't worry Ismail a friend is a ftiend for life. Your memories will carry you a long ,long way.
I know you and I,Ismail, have talked about feeling Brian all around, as some of his other friends have mentioned too. I believe that is God helping us along. My neighbor told me the day Brian died to look for signs. Not supernatual things, just simple signs, like her finding feathers all around after her husband died 10 years ago.
The first day I found a penny dated 1982( his birth year) on the spot he used to smoke on our patio. Since then, almost 160 days, I have found 80 coins (& one $20 bill) in my path, most of the time after changing my mind about which way to walk, or look, and mostly pennies and dimes. That's an average of one every other day! Actually, sometimes I found 2 or 3 in one day, some under strange circumstances.
Other more special & unexplainable things have occured which have really just made me more faithful and sure he's in a good place. The priest at our church has mentioned spritual physics- things you take on faith and can't explain. I don't know what to make of the coins. I'll take them as "pennies from heaven". It's a reassurance to me that God is looking out for me and my fmaily and it helps keep Brian right with me. Out of curiosity, has anyone heard or experienced finding coins like this before? You can e-mail me if you like at: messages2lac@yahoo.com.
Another thing that happened, our little sheltie Windy died on April 19 after 6 months of living with congestive heart failure and taking 3 heart meds. twice a day. She hung right in there till the very end. She always followed me everywhere, a real one person dog. I believe she hung on for me to help me through some of the toughest days. A little angel, a real friend.
So all of you friends of Brian, keep and cherish your memories, pray and give thanks for having Brian with us for as long as we had him. And know he's in good hands now.
Love you forever Brian and think of you all the time. Eternally, Mom

I keep seeing people around, people I only know because of you. And in some ways it's beautiful how we're all connected now, because of you. I just wish you were here too.

Well Brian.. I did it. I passed Statistics and now can graduate tomorrow.. just like you said I would. It was harder than you told me it was going to be though!! Now I just have to sit around and wait to see if I get into the nursing program- something you'd also tell me not worry about either. I miss the immense amount of confidence you had in each of your friends and their abilities to reach their goals. I could've said I wanted to be a trapeze artist in the circus and you would've said: "Lizzy don't stress about it. I know you can do that easily!" I loved that about you and I'm sure everyone else misses that about you too. Nothing was impossible to accomplish in your mind and that's something I'm trying to work on. You'd definitely be proud of the things we've all accomplished this year. I miss you Brian.. and I hope that you continue to keep an eye out for all of us.
"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night and there is sweetness in the laughter of all the stars and in the memories of those you love."

Thinking of all those spring and summer days, bbq's, times at DC United and Orioles games.

Riding bikes through the neighborhood for no reason, summers spent at woodley pool, man how I wish we could have those days back

Its been 5 months, still think of you always and everyday.

You where always a good friend Brian, I have known you for most of my life and always counted you as a friend, it didn’t matter if we hadn’t spoken a word in 6 days or 6 months, we could always get together and shoot the shit like time had never passed. I’ll always remember the arguments and general musing about life, women, politics, drugs, etc, and how whenever we’d disagree too much, and I would just start to get pissed off, you would crack a joke or make some remark that would just make us laugh. I remember your honesty, friendship, and loyalty. I always thought of you as a great guy and someone I could always count as a true friend. It makes me very sad to think that you won’t be around anymore.

The more people I meet and get to know, the more I realize and appreciate the kinda guy Brian was, cause most people don't even come close-- close to his witiness, genuineness, kindness, loyalty, trustworthiness, or even his bluntness. That tat on his arm, which stood for truth, unity, and love-- I can't think of anyone else I know who would have been more worthy of having that on them than him.

Still keepin it real for ya, Brian

You are all still in my thoughts. I know how much Brian meant to Ish.

Still thinking of you bro. Haven't been to this site in months, glad to see that soo many people have posted that care about you, and that they have this outlet.

everytime I pass your grave and your church where the funeral was held- i blow you a kiss. Love.

"...It is this selfsame body that is raised, although not in its present state of weakness; for it will "put on incorruption" and so be transformed... It will no longer need the foods which we now eat to keep it alive, nor stairs for its ascent; for it will be made spiritual and will become something marvellous, such as we cannot properly describe..."

looks like i'll be walkin down the lawn for both of us :) ... love you, miss you.
*cadence to arms*

so im about to go out with my mom and sister up in PA for my big 21, funny thing is, without my friends here from Va, it feels weird, especially without one of them, long nights of having fun and listening to Brian tell jokes and make us all look up to him, those times won't be here, so like D said, I'm going to pour some out for him and let him know that that one is for him

4 months ago today and it's still a struggle everyday. we love you and miss you.

4 months today


Tax day


Double the struggle today


Missing you, your life was so wonderful, and as evidenced by this website you touched so many more people then you ever thought you would.

Rest in peace Brian, watch over us.

This website is the only thing in the world that makes me cry.

"The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do."

Galileo Galilei

"If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster."

-Isaac Asimov

After reading the last few entries, I am ready to make another one myself. I am, and always proudly will be, Brian's mom. I am moved beyond tears by all of the entries in this incredible web site. Most recently I was glad to see my sister-in-law's kind response to the person who is asking for help. I know there are many of you who may be in recovery or need and want to be. I am not qualified to give advice but will say, there is help all around you. Listen to those who are trying to get it for you, they are your real friends. Any church, synagogue, Fairfax Hospital and other area hospitals, libraries all have programs and/or information to start you on your way. I have the Al-anon web site, www.alanonva.com and look under meetings. Al-anon is for family members but the site gives meeting times and places for Narcotic Anonymous and Alcoholic A. as well. For example, tonight there should be a meeting in Springfield at 8pm at St Mark's Lutheran Chruch, 5800 Backlick Rd. Please make a committment to yourself to get continuing help and support from others. You've asked for help and that IS the first step.

Two days ago I performed the inevitable and heartbreaking task of going through Brian's personal belongings. It was painful to say the least. He had fortified himself with lots of reading material in his quest for the truth. There were lots of history, philosophy and Religious books. Lots of music and dvds. On the pracatical side, I laughed at the well stocked bins of office supplies. He was always looking ahead. I also found personal papers and a very hard for me to read, written account of his "story " with drug use. Actually, he had disclosed much of this to us, reading makes it more real I suppose. Although I won't disclose a lot, I do feel it necessary to share some of his own words with all of you. Words that may sound to some clinical or prompted, or not like him, as they were written when he was at Hazelden. Keep in mind the tremendous, heinous addiction he was trying to keep at bay and eventually overcome, the darkness he felt in his soul, and the stark realities he was encountering about his life and himself as he withdrew and started his journey to recovery. Any expression in this situation is valid. There were pages and pages. Here are a few quotes.

"I am devoted to honor and honesty from here on out, and I have no intention to be so stubborn in regard to a higher power. I am tired of fighting and denying. I need a spiritual force in my life."

"I do not want drugs to continue controlling my life. I am willing to admit powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life, and that I must abstain just for a day at a time."

"I am here because I cannot stand my old ways, and I know I must change my way of thinking. I DON'T want to go back to the otherside."

And from the letter his cousin, Leah, wrote to us, and what he said to her about the large Byzantine cross he had tattoed on his arm with the Latin words,Truth, Unity and Love:

"It reminds me of the person I know I am supposed to be." She said she needed no more explanation, she understood him right away.

And when she was in need of someone to listen herself, she said about Brian "he was the only one to move past his own awkwardness to meet me where my pain was...I was moved by his compassion and willingness to help me even though he didn't know what I needed."

Another thing I found was a book with the heartfelt words and wishes from all his fellow Shoemaker unit friends to him when he left Hazelden. To all of you, the fellow addicts, the family members, the couselors, God Bless you, I pray for you daily and Thank God for the help we recieved, both Brian, and us, his family. And to the kind couple in Minneapolis who crossed paths with my son when he was finished the program and was taking a 2 day trip to check out a 1/2 way house there, Thank you for handing him that $50 ticket to the play when you saw him walking on the street that night. You might have kept him from the tempation of sliding back when he was out on his own for the first time in months. I think you were angels. And I thank my parents for the religious upbringing that was responsible for my deep Faith in God that is only now for the first time in my life really being tested.

Father Stone, we thank you for allowing Brian to talk and confide, and possibly confess to you what was so heavy on his soul. You helped him forgive, ask forgiveness and release a lot to God.

We may not have Brian with us here anymore but I am faithful and I believe we will see him again in the next world. I don't despair even though I am forever saddened by Brian's death. I will miss him always but believe that by the Grace of God, he is in The Light.

As you can see I am quite a rambler, so I may not make too many entries. Thank you all for your support and I pray for all of your friends and family that are so sad as well. Be good to each other and to yourselves.

I love you Brian, Mom

Dear Brian,

I miss you. A lot.

Love, Kate

I was not one of brian's best friends, but i attended grade school with him. hearing what happened to brian truly shocked me, and made me think. Brian was a fun, sweet, and most of all intellegent person. My memories of brian include copying his homework in 7th and 8th grade. He was so smart, and didn't care as long as he helped a person out. My condolences and prayers go to the Christ family, and i know times are rough. God bless Brian, as he is with God now.

I have to echo Dimitri's sentiments with spring time upon us.

Warm weather and Brian Christ went so well together. I recall all the springs and summers we had, playing catch, shooting a basketball around, walking around and causing trouble, going to "shows" in DC, hanging out at the beach in Ocean City, fireworks at his house, the parties in high school (especially those towards the end of our senior year of high school) all those barbeques where we argued about whose kids would enjoy whose bbq better when we grew up.

Spring just isn't the same without you here, summer won't be either. But each time I eat another steak off the BBQ I'll be thinking of you

Man it was about this time 8 years ago that we started hanging out together all the time. Those were the best years of my life, and you were truly a big part of it. Our friendship was of an esoteric nature, forged by profound experiences, enriched by a natural understanding of one another, and made eternal by an unwavering loyalty. Ah, how grand it would be if only we had 8 more comin'...

Dear "Please Help";

PLEASE call 1-800-NEW-LIFE and get the help you need! Thinking of you in Chantilly and hoping you get the help you need! Your life is valuable and it could save your life! JUST DO IT!!!

my world is spinning so fast, I just can't let go. Love and Peace my friend. Please help.

April fool's day just passed. It certainly was no joke, you are with God now.

Bless you Brian for all the good times we had, and the memories I re-live every day of our incredible youth

Dear Brian,
May the wind be at you back the sun shine upon your face, and may the wings of destiny carry your love to dance with the stars. Rest in peace, you may be lost but you are never forgotten. Till the next time, take it easy once and for all.

Today is my 21st birthday, and I'm going to celebrate, but it will be bittersweet, as will be many a special occasion for the rest of my days. For it is at such times when I most want my family and closest friends near, and without Brian there will only be present a sorrowful emptiness that lingers in my mind and pains my heart. But, I'll take my sweet time in reminiscing of the times we had; then I'll blink the shallow tears away from my eyes, proudly endure that nostalgic burning in my nose and throat, and then I'll do what Brian would want me to do: Spill a minimal amount for him, then knock back the rest; and please, spare me the chaser.

To Ishmail;
Thank you for posting the awesome pictures of my nephew. They are a true representation of Brian and something we value, as we did not have any recent photos of Brian. We've already printed some of them and my daughter has several hanging over her bed! My children love their cousin Brian and still talk about him! My son has his photo of Brian on his bulletin board! May he rest in peace. We all miss him!
Ianthe Christ Yeatras

I figured I may as well put up some pictures of Brian also

http://filebox.vt.edu/users/smadni/Brian/

While training new managers up in Philly this weekend I thought back to our training weekend in February of 2002.

I am sure you remember how we arrogantly thought a lot of it was unneccessary, how all the other kids were kissing ass, and really how dumb some of the kids seemed. We were pretyt confident we would be among the best out of the group, and well it turned out to be true.

What 50 of us trained and only 8 of us came back for year 2? Pretty good job by the both of us.

I remember you first sale to Mr. Applegate. 5,700 dollars and you told me you barely knew what you were doing you just pulled a number out of thin air. Nice way to earn 1,500 dollars huh?

That job took only what, 9 weeks to complete? Heh, yeah everything was nice and crazy that summer trying to figure out how to make a fourtune contracting paint jobs for houses. But somehow both of us succeeded, both of us used each other as a crutch to complain about our business, how much our painters could suck, or how long it took the damn office to pay us.

I am sure you got a kick out of watching the training this weekend. Kids asking all sorts of crazy questions, Jeff bored as hell, me being, well me. We couldn't help think about how you would have responded to them. You probably would have been "real" with them and told them more then half would end up failing.

UP was one of the most fun things we did together. I couldn't imagine going through that without you there, without you mocking people, and without you pushing me to succeed and get my sales higher.

what pisses me off is that brian was one of the only pure persons left that i have ever known. never a stepping stone, only a rock on which to build. thanks for not being just another one-cherry in the lottery of people i could know.

Brian's mom and I ordered a bench and marker for Brian. Should any of you want to pay respects at his resting place the marker and bench should be in place in 90 days or at about mid-May.

Your positive posts have helped us to focus on good memories.

I've never posted on here... I don't know what I've been waiting for especially since I check this website at least twice a day and find myself thinking of things I want to say on a particular day.. so here goes nothing.
In response to Andy's posting-
Brian had told me two nights before he died that he would tutor me in Statistics this semester at Mason. I was dreading taking it and was telling him how much I hated math and just wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with it.. and he said "Hey, don't get stressed about it. I'll tutor you whenever you want so you don't get behind." I told him that I wouldn't wish that task on any of my friends and he told me that it was no problem. Now I find myself.. a week before my first test, really wishing I had Brian around to explain this stuff to me and so I can make sense of it all. I refused to find another tutor.. so now I've got these stupid Help books for the course, that really just don't do any good.
I think of Brian every day.. sometimes happy thoughts.. sometimes sad thoughts. But all in all, I realize that the memories myself and the rest of his good friends hold onto keeps him alive somehow..
There is this one quote out of the book "The Little Prince" that makes me think of Brian everytime I read it..
"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night and there is sweetness in the laughter of all the stars and in the memories of those you love."
I truely miss you Brian..

I just got out of my differential equations exam and thought of brian and the talks we would have on the difference between engineers and scientists. previously, i had kind of snubbed engineers, but because of you, i decided that they were just as important as scientists. what's in a name? speaking of names, i read ismael's post and realized that brian's screen name was still on my buddy list. sometimes, i look at it and think that you will sign on again sometime soon and send me links to subversive and interesting material. other times, you would just IM me and ask what we "gentlemen" were doing on a given night. i'm sure that I, along with everyone else who reads these posts, will never remove your screen name, but will let a part of you live on in our buddylists for as long as these IM things exist. i know that everytime i see your faded gray name, "bac32crew", on my buddylist, i pause for a second and remember brian anthony christ and how i miss him. happy valentine's day buddy.

2 months today.... time flies when you are miserable

I remember sitting there the night of your death,it was about 1 am the morning of December 15th, your screen name on my AOL Instant Messenger in dark black and active, contemplating whether or not to IM you just to see how your last exam went.

It was about 1 a.m, Dimitri and I just got in from a lame night out in Dupont Circle, and it was cold. Real damn cold outside.

I thought better of it, seeking sleep, and really I didn't have much to say at the moment. I would have probably asked "how did the exam go" you would have replied "i failed horribly," because you always said that, explained to me over the next 5 minutes why you felt you did poorly, only to tell me a few days later you actually scored a 100 and the highest grade in the class and secured an A, even though you crammed the night before.

We would have discussed what Dimitri and I did in the hours before that evening and make some tentative plan for the next day, which we would change at the last minute. All in all it would have been no more then a 10 minute conversation

I figured it could all wait until the next day, we would probably grab lunch or go to the gym or do some routine activity. Little did I know, little did I percieve what was really going on.

Miss you so much today, I wish I could have had that moment in time back to have that last conversation with you.

What would I have said though? The same old; you and I were not about saying hall mark greeting to each other just the simple and to the point "later"

To that I say "later," whenever it may come and ask that you keep watching us, but stop messing with us

Detective Bond called me earlier today to follow up on some questions for the police report. Aftwerwards, I was sitting there thinking about Brian, and decided to go ahead and write a bit. So, here's to Brian:


My loyal best friend,
My homeboy till the end,
My brother,
My reflection
In one way or another.
GangstEr attitude;
You was my partner in crime:
An Eagle Scout, a tough guy,
A beautiful mind.
You had the brains 'n the grit
To get the job done
You woulda been my best man,
Or Godfather to my son.
You always hungered for more
And you shared what you had.
You reaped aalll the world's fruits,
The good and the bad.
And you were always a wise guy,
Except for one year,
But no need to talk about that
Cause you were so much more.
You were Darwin's own pupil
And I probably was yours;
'Learned a 'LOTTA good stuff from ya, man,
And I soaked it all up.
Part of you is in me, you see,
You'll always be part of who I am

Here's to you, Brian.

As Valentine's Day approaches, I can't help but remember the Valentine's Day when my nephew Brian was about five years old. He gave to me a beautiful hot pink heart shape lock to use on my locker at the health club. Although I never used it where it was intended to be used, I've treasured it over the years in the top drawer in my desk at home! Each time I open my drawer and see the pink heart-shape lock that Brian gave to me, I remember the beauty and innocence that my young nephew had at the ripe and tender age of five. His mom, LeeAnn, told me that he picked that gift out for me and wanted me to have it. It has been a treasure to me over the years and always will be. No matter how many children I teach or have myself, memories of Brian will always have a special place in my heart! Happy Valentine's Day my nephew and to all your friends and loved ones who hold you high in their hearts! I can't put into words the impact you've had on my life! Eternal Love, Aunt Ianthe

Not a best friend of Brian's, but a friend nevertheless, I remember him well from grade school and high school. For some reason, though, there are 2 things I can distinctly remember about Brian. Those are his kindness and his laugh. The reason for that is he shared them both so often, and they were both contagious. His presense was always a pleasure and his passing is a great loss. Him, his family, and his friends are all in my prayers.

I just posted a few pictures that I found in my "Brian" folder, if anyone wants to take a look:

http://home.earthlink.net/~thekatespanos/gallery/bac.html

.emotion recollected in tranquility.

you helped me derive polynomials and find the velocity of balls rolling down inclines...
you banged on my door to tell me my speakers were vibrating through the vents (and that my music sucked)...
when ashley and i "broke" the computer you plugged it back in for us...
remember when ismail and the four of us watched your black belt karate competition... you kicked ass but we fell asleep cuz it was 3 am... we got chinese afterwards.
you played Johnny Cash in my car and wouldn't let me take the cd out...
when i drove you down to uva that one time we must have said three words to eachother... yet we spoke so clearly.
you told me to lighten the hell up, stop studying and have a beer :) ...
you used to sit on the couch and i'd rush down to sit with you, but i always made it look like i had nothing better to do.
...you tied up our barbies and hung then from our light fixture when you were like twelve... but when you had your laugh you helped us take them down and unstring them.
... when you came back from uva last year 50 pounds lighter you shoke with shame, but you still had hope in your eyes... fighters always do.
...that night when i drove you to seven eleven i cried some.
you got me to watch Clerks...
you called me a poser... ("take those stupid emo glasses off katelyn)... but you had room to talk
...the night you died i had my wisdom teeth pulled out. i asked if you'd drive to get me ice cream... you hesitated and then called mom to make sure she would get some for me because unfortunately you had other plans... but i know you would have gone.

a life of potential taken in a moment of weakness, not a wasted life ended in anguish.

now what?... gonna drink it all up to the last drop because you didn't get a chance to.


forever proud-

katelyn

Brian and I were first cousins and we grew up together for 18 years before we left to attend college. This is an excerpt from something I wrote to Brian's parents:

I graduated from Baylor on May 15, 2004 and stayed in Waco to start my job. I hadn't been home since Christmas and although I missed my family and Fairfax itself, I really wanted to see Brian in the flesh. I wanted to hug him tight for a little longer than he would like and tell him how glad I was that he was alright. In mid-July, I had that opportunity. He came over to my house for lunch with the extended family. I think I made him uncomfortable because I hugged him a little longer than normal in the foyer of the house where we had spent countless hours playing as kids. We stood there for probably 30 minutes just talking. I could tell he felt ashamed, but I was never ashamed of him. I was so proud that he went to get help. He told me about rehab, his relationships with his parents (which he said were better than ever. We finally saw our parents as people and not just parents!), his job as an electrician and his desire to go back and finish his degree. He seemed so confident and collected with everything, where I was nervous and worried for him. He assured me I didn't need to be either of those things and that he was getting back on track. I believed him that day and I know he meant it. We hugged goodbye, exchanged new email addresses and bid farewell until Thanksgiving.
Emails became weekly and with a little more depth. Since he was living at home, he kept me up to date on all the family drama. Most stories involved Granddaddy buying new shutter guards or the saga of the new chair for Grandma. I suggested some of my favorite books that inspired me in rough times and that explored the spiritual aspect of our lives. I don't know if he ever read them, but I know at least he let me think I was helping him out as he had helped me out so many times before.

I came home for Thanksgiving and this is when the story gets really hard for me to express. This is because Thanksgiving 2004 would be the last time I would see, talk to or touch Brian Anthony Christ. I went to his Grandma's house (Mrs. Christ) to see the Christ family since I hadn't seen them since the summer when I was in Fairfax. Brian and I sat and talked for about an hour that day - about work and grad school for me and school and future plans for him. I saw Ismail for the first time in probably seven years and didn't think I would be seeing him again so soon. We took the annual grandchild picture on the couch and both grumbled through the process. Soon, I left, we hugged goodbye and I told him I would see him in about three weeks for Christmas. I wish I could say that we hugged extra long or with more meaning that time, but we didn't. It was a normal goodbye, with the normal intentions of seeing each other at the next family gathering.

I miss you Brian, but I hold our memories and laughter close. I love you.

This was not suppose to happen...but it did! Today marks the 40th day since my nephew died. The 40th day after one's death is symbolic in the Greek religion. Please say a special prayer for Brian today. God Bless You Brian and always be with you!

Eternal Love,

Aunt Ianthe


P.S. Brian, thanks for being an awesome nephew and the big brother to my children that they never had, and for being such a great resource on technology for me and for helping me get my reportcards done on a broken computer when I was about to go into labor and for helping me to set up my new classroom and connecting all my technology for my when the specialist couldn't get to my classroom for another two weeks and for hanging up all those the lifesize paper dolls where I couldn't reach and for being on call whenever my computer broke down 24/7 and for just being you. I knew nothing about the addiction that took over your life; however, I do know that you continued to keep your dignity at family gatherings right up to the end and were always a nephew/cousin that we were proud of to the end. Although the loss is and will continue to be monumental, the love we have for you will be eternal! Stay close to granddaddy! Until we meet again.... Aunt Ianthe

I gotta concur with Dimitri that there are so many constant reminders around me all the time of Brian.

Alex can also attest to this, but just walking around our neighborhood brings back something.

Driving to Dimitri's house, I drive by Brian's old house, where we used to climb the tree as high as we could and throw water balloons at the neighbors. Or the creek behind his old house, where we played football games, built forts, tormented young chilidren and small animals.

If I walk about 1/2 block further past his old house I come up to Woodley Pool. My goodness, the antics that we did there should be enough to get us banned forever (we probably are). From blaring loud punk music when we were 15, to kicking that door down every weekend, and jumping off the diving board even if boards were not open, I am shocked if Woodley would ever let us back in again.

And of course the other night, when it snowed. I can't remember a snowfall in this area without walking around the neighborhood for no reason with Brian and any of the others, Alex, his brothers, Dimitri all the time, Patrick, Jeff, whoever. Buliding up ridiculous snow forts, or ice forts (anyone remember the winter of 1994?), going sledding at roundtree park down the steepest hill and probably coming close to breaking several bones.

Basketball at walnut hill. Even though we were terrible, the hoop was low enough so we could dunk on it. And yes, Brian was a white man that could jump, until he reached 10th grade.

Walking to providence or to ballys. The health club seems empty now without him being there to spot me or jog on the treadmill next to mine forever. Or make fun of one of the kids I know at the gym. (sorry Lahai but Brian always thought your name was "Ah-ha")

Constant reminders around me all the time, even in my house where we managed to find some adventure as kids, or even in college.

I can't even imagine going up to the church where all of us played football as kids, or the other church where we attempted to bring down the basketball hoop. I thought of going to a Troop 140 meeting, but then I realized I had never been to one where Brian was not there.

I know you are around still, even though I can't talk to you, but man, you really were everywhere around here.

not to be crass or anything, but what the fuck is going on in the world when there is a Brian Christ memorial website? goddammit, it wasn't supposed to be like this...

I decided to sit down and reminisce on here because I was in my room listening to Pink Floyd while doing laundry, and, well...I'll explain...I'm not quite comfortably numb yet

As Brian and I grew up together through our teenage years, some of the best times I had with him were so simple. Back then, the two of us would just hang out in his old room upstairs: Brian sitting in the chair, me on the bed, The Clash, The Animals, or some punk band's music BLASTING at the highest volume tolerable (and sometimes intolerable, upon his insisting). Brian sure loved to listen to his music loud; he must have christened that old Aiwa stereo of his with Holy Water, because I swear he had those speakers constantly cranked up like none other...Y'know, no matter what we were doing, the music was always, always there. Ever since that day in December, listening to my favorite bands (almost all of which I discovered with Brian) has taken upon a whole new meaning. It's as if whenever I throw on a cd I'm not just listening to music by Pink Floyd, Zep, The Clash, The Animals, The Misfits, etc (his list wouldn't end there, for he had a much broader taste and appreciation for music than I)--I'm listening to a recording of the good times Brian and I (and many others with us) shared. The association is uncanny; all it takes is a certain Pink Floyd melody or AC/DC guitar riff and I'm right back with Brian in the passenger seat of the Buick, or his 'ol Chevy Astro; I'm at Goshen canoeing with him, Ish, Jarell and Ryan; I'm with him and Rich in '97 at a Black Sabbath concert; I'm in his grandmother's basement lifting weights with him, his father, and Ismail; I'm walking with him on the Ocean City boardwalk; we're at Eduardo's house in Costa Rica; or...we're just...two friends in his room...talking about nothing...but having the time of our lives...and not even knowing it...

"...A distant ship's smoke on the horizon, You are only coming through in waves I caught a fleeting glimpse out of the corner of my eye, I turned to look but it was gone..."

Brian, while I'm alive, I won't ever see you again, but I'll always feel your presence and strength. I miss you so much, man.

To the Christ family, thank you for... well, thank you for Brian; he wasn't the great guy he was just 'cause of nobody. Brian was, and will always be, an inspiration to me. My deepest sympathy and sorrow is shared with you.

To everyone who has posted on here, my personal thanks to you for sharing your memories of Brian, as each memory holds its own unique sense of comfort and celebration of his life.

Andy, thank you for maintaining this website; it helps, a lot.

Ever since I first heard about Brian's death I've felt compelled to write something here, although I didn't really know what to say. It is apparant from all that I've read on this page that Brian lived his life to the fullest. He had a great effect on a lot of people. I was one of them.

I attended junior high and high school with Brian, and I regret not taking the opportunity to get to know him a little better then. I was the shy girl who sat near him in class in 7th and 8th grade. I can still remember the jokes and one liners he'd come out with that would put a smile on everyone's face, even the crankiest of our teachers. He was smart, but he had a more relaxed approach to grades and schoolwork than the average nerd in our classes. I got the sense that even at the age of 12, he knew that there were larger and more important things in life. He was kind to me, something that is sometimes hard to come by in junior high. I respected him for his kindness and wit as well as his determination. He was able to stand up for himself, which I admired, as I had trouble doing so myself. I respect and admire him still.

Addiction is an incredibly difficult thing to struggle with, and it's sad that there are substances capable of ruling and taking human life. He showed strength in his willingness to put up a fight against them. While my last real interactions with Brian were in 8th grade, he still stands out in my mind as someone special. My prayers go out to Brian, his family, and friends.

"How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here."
- Pink Floyd

I went to see a Pink Floyd cover band on Saturday, and a good friend, during "Wish you were here", turns to me, and says, "lexi, I am glad you are here." It was at that moment, that I thought of all of the people I had lost recently, my dad, my grandma, and Brian. I have to say, which in some form may seem a bit callous, I was more upset about Brian's death than my grandma's death. Mostly due to the fact, I knew she lived a full life. What has made Brian's death so upsetting to me, is not only watching the turmoil his family and his friends have been through, but he was and still continues to be such an asset to our everyday existence. Face it society, this day and age kinda sucks, and it is people like Brian, that we all know would make a difference. Brian had brains. No one would ever deny this. What made his presence so influential is that we all know, that no matter what job he would have, he would make a difference.

I knew Brian since grade school - where I have memories of him having to help me in algebra, and I have fun memories of doing the tootsie roll 32 times at my surprise party in the 8th grade. I had not really seen or talked to him until 2 summers ago at a party, where I remember having a 2-hour conversation on existentialism, and who was a better philosopher - Sartre or Heidegger. We went to a few bars during the course of that year, where I learned [from Brian] how to fake out those mean money taking D.C. parking patrol, by messing up the meter. Since then, I have never had a ticket or any sort of parking violation, because the parking meter somehow is always jammed. He also would comment on how evil I was because I am in law school. I do also remember how he saved a particular girl at my birthday party from literally being beaten up for being so drunk, and he was my belly dancing partner, trying ever so hard to according to him "shake his milkshake". I think the best and most profound memory of Brian is when we went to Bailey's, and we were talking about the past, and parents, and the conversation of my dad's recent suicide came up. He, of course, was wondering how I was coping, and etc, and literally right before I was about to leave to go home he said, "well alexis, your dad must have been awesome, because you are." I put a lot of thought into that comment in part due to the fact that I was hurt because of the way my dad had taken his life, and I guess I didn't put much thought into what an amazing person he was.

Why was Brain so great? For this reason: "It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather, our concern must be to live while we're alive -- to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a facade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are." - Elizabeth Hubbeler-Ross. Brian exemplified this - teaching all those around him that there is more to life than this "American Dream". I guess that's in part why I will miss his presence.

Brian, I will never forget the advice you gave me, and I will never convert to the evils of being a lawyer - a deals a deal. "Every mortal loss is an immortal gain." - William Blake

I knew Brian at UVa and I considered him a good friend because I was always welcome at his house to smoke cigarettes and talk. I related to Brian on music, even though we made fun of each other's music. I also related to Brian on religion, even though we never did come to a conclusion in that discussion. When I heard Brian died and read his obituary in the post I was absolutely shocked and horrified. Last I had heard he was doing well on the road to recovery. I cannot put into words the sadness his death brought to me. So much so, I haven't been able to post anything to this site for weeks that I've known about it. So much so, that I could not even pay my respects to him and go to his funeral to see his open casket. Unfortunately, I wanted to remember him in life rather than in death. My condolences go out to his family and closest friends, because even though I wasn't as close to him as many of you were, I still feel your pain in his loss. Brian was one of those people who always had something clever and shocking to say. Something that you could laugh about or get real pissed about if you were too touchy. I've always been a touchy and anal dood, but Brian was one of the few people who could say these things without aggravating me because I knew it was all in good fun. I had my best times during my second year at UVa, where I would roll over to his place to chill with him and Dave and Nate and most of the time Kate. He always tried to act like he was mean by refusing when I would ask for a beer or something, but then would always give in because he wasn't so tuff (even though he was a beast who worked out). I cannot say anymore that could ever supercede anything of what was already said. I hope this page and the memories of him can satisfy the loss we have all had to endure. RIPBAC...

Dear Brian,

It's mom. I told you I always wanted to write. You told me "then just do it". I am now.

When your dad and I were trying in agony to breathe our breath into your lifeless body, it's as if part of us was taken away with you forever. And at that moment, I ached to go with you. At this time I feel a shell of the person I was. There's a structure that stands and moves, that feels so precarious, it could cave in at any moment. Your father and I draw long absorbing breaths and audibly expel them in our sorrow, as if only to maintain the air that is necessary to keep on. We are in survival mode. Do not worry though. This process is a fortification of our souls. We will return changed forever, but better off than before.

Many times through this last year I would have just held your hand. You did not require or want this, you were a man. So I just sat by you when I drove you to class, when we watched one of the videos you wanted us to see depicting the devastation of the life of a drug addict, or a regular movie that made us all laugh. I wanted to walk with you through this, not in front or behind. You let me.

I can still see you in your early years, perched on my hip, poised to see and take in the world. And you did. You were inquisitive, currious, and always pointing at things in amazement as I tried to be the motherly expert and explain all that I could. You were a beautiful, good child all along, and I have and keep those memories with me.

This year I know you were courageous and steadfast in accepting, standing before and fighting your addiction. You faced with painful honesty, yourself, as we did ourselves. You felt shame, guilt, remorse and regret, and confusion. But also through your quest for help, felt faith, joy and hope. God knows all this Brian. You are safe in his arms now. It was a blessing from God that you came to us for help and included us in your life at this time. This year was maybe the best we had with you honey.

If a mother were able to choose the words she would say to her child the last time she saw them, I think it would be similar to what I found myself saying to you in the kitchen the night before you died. The last thing I said to you was that I loved you, and more importantly, that God loved you, and I hoped you would remember and know this. You nodded.

It is so wonderful to see how much you meant to so many people and how many of their lives were touched. Grandma told me the other day, that God comforts us, not so we can be comfortable, but so we can comfort others. I hope I can do this in your memory.

Your dad and Katelyn and Ashley and I know we will see you again. Until then, I love you and I will remember you.

Eternally,

Mom

Its hard to think that a month ago today was the last time we spoke, when you called me to talk about your exam you had that Monday morning and how you wouldn't come out because you had to study that night.

I know you are doing just fine up there, probably convincing God to do something ridiculous, but somehow you convinced Him.

This is the longest in my life I have gone without speaking to you, but I hear you all the time, see reminders around the neighborhood, or when we crack a joke.

Keep smilin down on us, try not to mess with us too much because you of all people know how much help we need.

The Coincidences of Life:

It actually went around Robin Hood's barn how I met Brian. I used to work out in the Tyson's Corner area so, I had to change where I worked out. I live in Maryland and typically went to the Maryland Bally's in the evening. However, since I was now working in Tyson's, I started working out in the morning and I met Tony Christ one morning in the locker room at the Falls Church Bally's. Somehow we got on the subject of pool and he told me he needed more people for his league. I really like to play, although I am not very good, so I took the journey to the Shark's Club to see what is was about.

I started playing during the summer session but, we were short handed on reliable people. We did well during that first session and went all the way to the consolation finals before being defeated in the last game of the last set of players. I blew it!

When the next session started, Brian became a reliable part of our team. He was there most Tuesdays to play but, once again, we were shorthanded. Although, we did just as well this time around, we forfeited a player almost every week. Unfortunately, that meant we couldn't be in the tournament round this time. It is strange how life is. Brian died on Tuesday evening/Wednesday morning. If we hadn't had so many forfeits, he would have been playing pool with us that night at The Shark's Club.

I used to tell Brian he was my good luck charm. It just seemed that I played a little better when he was around to talk to. I like to have someone in my corner when I am competing. I sometimes have to play the late games because my rating flectuates so often. Brian couldn't always stay but, I used to tell him, "I may start losing if you leave!" Sometimes it worked. He had a good heart and an old soul that I will remember for a long time.

Later Brian,

Smokey

Brian was my cousin. He was always one of the best people to be around at family gatherings because we could always find something to laugh about. You never expect this kind of thing to happen to someone you know and when I found out my heart broke. When I arrived at Brian's viewing I walked around and looked at all the pictures of us when we were kids. There was a picture of all the grandchildren wearing our granddad's hats that's my favorite. Brian was a great kid and so much fun to be with..I can't wait to see you again.
I miss you and love you Brian.

I am one of Katelyn's friends. First off, I want to send all my love to the Christ family. Brian was always very nice to me when I went over to their house. When I went to talk to the family Mrs. Christ said that she will need all of us, not only now, but in the coming months. I am going to try to write a letter or something every now and then to the family to let them know that my prayers are always going to be with them. REST IN PEACE, BRIAN.
Vanessa Castillo

First of all, I extend my prayers and condolances to the family of Brian. They are a good people. Let me tell you a little bit about how I came to know Brian and his family. For nearly 31 years I lived in Arlington, Va. As a young man, I got myself into a lot of trouble. I don't really have the time now to get into it. For nearly 15 years, I was a drug addict. My drug of choice was cocaine. I had a wonderful conversion experience and was able, with the help of God, to staighten out my life. I ended up many years later becoming a priest here in the Arch-Diocese of New Mexico. Its been wonderful. It goes to show that no matter where you [have] been and what you've done, God is willing to forgive. I often come to Virginia to visit some friends and people who I've come to know over the years. One day I got a phone call from Ted Flynn, and he asked me if I would take the time to talk to Tony Christ (Brians father). I told Ted [to] have him call me. Mr. Christ did call me, and told me the whole story of what had just happened with his son. Brian had admitted that he needed help with an addiction to heroin. By this time, Brian was already in drug rehab. I told Mr Christ that I would be in Virginia in the next few weeks and I would take the time to meet with [his] family and to sit and talk with Brian if he wanted to. And that is how I first met the Christ family. We got together and went out to dinner and afterwards I sat down with Brian. Being a priest often allows me to see the human being from a different angle. Being a former addict gives me the rare grace of seing the struggling addict in a different light. Brian shared many things with me that evening. We spend two hours together. I was amazaed at how much he had been through, with his drug experiance. I won't tell you here the things he shared with me. I have not had a chance to sit and tell the Christ family what we talked about. I think I owe them that much. I told Brian some of the things to look out for. The next year would be the most difficult. I told him he could call any time and his conversation would always be private. I stayed in touch with Tony Christ as the months went on. One day, I got a phone call from Ted Flynn telling me that Brian Christ had passed away. Needless to say, I was shocked. I called Mr. Christ and he told what had happened. What can one say at a moment like that. No matter how often you go through something like this, it is never easy trying to understand why things happen in the way that they do, and why did this have to happen to a young man who was so determined that this was not going to get the best of him.

I was very much impressed with this young college student. He seemed to have so much going for him. A family who cared [for] and loved him, and was willing to sacrifice whatever was necessary to help him get through this. I don't have all the answers, and I can only help with some of them. There [are] some things that need to be left in the hands of God and this is one of them. Brian, may you rest in peace and you will be in my prayers. [To the] Christ Family, I'm here [and] you can call me if [you] just need someone to talk to. You will be in my prayers. And for all those [who] sent donations on behalf of Brian, I will have masses offered for Brian and his family, and we will buy flowers in the memory of Brian Christ for the altar in our Parish Church. I will send a reply to all of you who sent donations. We are still receiving them. May God be with you all in this time of sorrow.

God Bless

Fr. Ron Stone

It's hard to believe this, I've been pretty far removed from things in general having been teaching in France for the past few months, so to hear that a friend has died just doesn't sink in right away. I met Brian at UVA my first year and pretty much agree with everything that has already been said about him. He never seemed to give a shit about what anyone else thought of him and just said things like they were. He always had something intelligent to say no matter what the subject. I didn't know Brian too well but my sympathies go out to all of his family and friends and maybe a piece of him is already expatriated here in France. Rest in peace Brian.

To my friend now gone from me
the days are long but soon we'll see
a dim light breaking far away
and in my heart the image stay
for what kind words can soothe the mind
and rush me to that friend of mine

To an amazing young man who lived his life in the shadows of giants
may God speed you to them and keep you in the eternal radiance of his thoughts

the story that God has writ let no man forget, ours is comfort of the family left behind for a brave new world, wish our loved ones well and keep alive the songs of their life.

my deepest sympathies in this time of loss.

There can never be sufficient justice for this loss.

"Flowers for the Dead" by Cubin Link

Twin, we've been best friends
Ever since we were little kids
So I sit and remenisce
On all the things we ever did
I remember
All the stupid s--- I can't forget
Hope God forgive us for our sins
and give you the strength to live
Far from sensitive
But I'm shedding tears right now
Cause I'm watching you fight for your life
And I can't help out
Meanwhile, the doctor's shocking your chest,
Checking for breath
I was with you from the stretcher
To the hospital bed
Not believing it yet
Everybody sad and depressed
Counting your blesings, praying and praying
Hoping for the best
Waitin in pec
Your wife duke shaking from stress
Breaking in tears and fear
Cause dog, she love you till death
Next thing you know, the doctor comes out
Just shaking his head
Nothing was said
But I read it in his face full of sweat
You were dead
Just all I saw instead was blood shot red
And I felt a chill throughout my body
That I'll never forget
God Bless You

(CHORUS) x2:

Flowers for the dead
At times I hear your voice still in my head
Wishing you were here instead
These precious memories I can't forget
In my sleep I hear you speaking to me
And feel you reaching to me
Wish I could see you
Though I know you with me spritually
Physically, right here besides me
Is where I need you to be
Keeping me company
And take over this whole industry
Memories, of when we used to be
Too deep in the streets
If there was beef
We had each others backs naturally
If there was need for me to grab the heat
You'd grab it from me
And blast off with no remorse
Just as long as its me
Young indeed
We sat and chat
On the block puffing trees
Guzzeling Hennesey
Playing knucles til one of us bleed
You used to eat Rocks
And read encyclopedias to me
You was a genius
Even though you had no college degree
We were homies
But you will always be a brother to me
So close
Rest In Peace.

(CHORUS)

Yeah,This is dedicated to the ones who never made it
I hated the fact you faded away
You were the greatest
So I say this prayer to pay my respects
I'll never forget you cause you special
I'll catch you in my heart
May God bless you
Rest in peace to my peoples
Who passed away (passed away)
Best believe I'ma keep you alive
Always (always)
Till the day we meet again
Face to face with a grin
In hell or heaven
You my twin to the end
And I'ma miss you

(Chorus)
Flowers for the Dead

I had the honor of getting to know Brian at O'Connell. He was a great guy who always welcomed my stupid calculus questions. May God be with his family and may he rest in peace.

Yo B,

Well. There you go.

You would never let me leave. For three years I would visit you, and you would always try to make me stay “just 10 minutes more, just 10 minutes!” You just wanted me to be there with you, even if we just stared at the wall. Yep, you could convince me of anything and I would stay with you for hours. I didn’t like that you became so dependent on me but the truth is, I knew I was just as bad.

Nothing was ever good enough for you. You could never learn enough. You wanted to be a chef, you wanted to learn to dance, you wanted to be a car mechanic, you wanted to be a computer nerd, you want to be a brain scientist and build a neuron, you wanted to speak Greek, you wanted to know good wine, you wanted to expatriate to France. And you have a “how-to” book for all these things. You could never sleep enough. You could never stay awake long enough. You could never eat enough Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Or have enough gadgets turned on at the same time. You could never drink enough. You were an addict. To what? You were addicted to EVERYTHING. Nothing was ever good enough, nothing was ever /enough/ for you, you always wanted more, more, more. It’s overwhelming to think that you have to have everything and do everything and that there just isn’t enough time in life to do it all. And I guess the ultimate drug made you feel like you were finally satisfied, even for that fleeting moment. You knew you were killing yourself, you were scared to death, but you were scared to death of life at the same time.

One man could never accomplish all the things you wanted to accomplish. Take any one of them and you could have done it. You were capable of anything. You made sure we all knew that. But you just couldn’t do and have everything /all at the same time/.

I’m sorry that I hurt you and I’m sorry that you hurt me. My memories with you are some of the best of my life and some of the worst of my life. Those memories don’t really matter though. The fact is, I loved you from the beginning until the end. A constant love, outside of time. The Big Cheese said, “My love for you approaches infinity when we converge.” We always knew we had this, even when things were bad. And now, just because we won’t be making any new memories together doesn’t change that fact.

I didn’t mind being “that faceless thing” to you this past year when I was the only person you felt you could trust and open up to. It was hard though, Brian, reading those hopeless emails, always followed by three or four “follow-up” emails, apologizing for being such a “melodramatic nutcase.” It was hard not being able to do or say anything except let you know that I was there. I knew something was wrong when you didn’t reply to me on 15 December but I didn’t want to know what. We had promised each other we’d both make it to Christmas.

You left us all behind. You left me frantically downloading Misfits tracks and Joni Mitchell’s “The Circle Game,” feeling like a fool sobbing to David Hasselhoff’s “Hooked on a Feeling.” You left us all wondering what the hell we’re supposed to do now. I don’t know, Brian. What happened?

Love, Kate

I first met Brian after about a week into my first year at UVA, then lived with him during our last three years at college. Throughout this time, I became good friends with Brian and got to know him very well. From the first time I met him, he struck me as one of the most unique individuals I have ever known. When I first started to hang out with him, I remember thinking, who is this guy? Brian knew how to have a good time and was fun as hell to hang out with, but also did things that no one else our age did. He would eat well rounded meals and spinach, sit at his computer with perfect posture, and besides an occasional movie, the only tv he ever watched was the news. These habits changed a bit through college though, as well all got a bit lazier and fatter. Throughout the next four years, we had a lot of good times together, whether it was in Charlottesville or meeting up in the summer. In these years I discovered some truly unique qualities that Brian possessed, but I believe his most prevalent quality was his overwhelming confidence in himself. He always stood up for what he believed in, and would fully support his own views. Brian could somehow convince you of anything, and could speak intelligently about a subject despite having no real knowledge of it. Over the years he would spend a good amount of time working on homework and writing computer programs, refusing to get help from anyone because he knew he could do it all on his own. Except for a very few occasions, he certainly would. I remember this one time our fourth year when Brian thought he was getting ripped off by a mechanic to fix the power window of his car, so decided he would get the part from a junkyard and fix it himself. Well since he knew pretty much nothing about cars, we all expected him to fail miserably. But Brian knew in his own head that he could do it, and sure enough took an afternoon and fixed his car perfectly.

Throughout college, Brian showed me how be confident and believe in myself. Looking at myself now compared to the person I was when I first came to UVA, I know I am now a better person having known him.

I could always tell that Brian was truly a good person at heart. My deepest sympathy goes out to the Christ family, and I know we're all really going to miss him. Brian, I'm lucky to have had you as a friend, and will never forget you.

Although I never had the pleasure of meeting Brian, I do know his Father Tony, who plays in the APA Pool League and who recently introduced me to Brians' Mom and his 2 Sisters. Not knowing Brian personally does not lessen the sorrow I feel for his family and friends. As a Father of 3 myself, I can't imagine the devestation of such a loss. My heart goes out to his family and friends for their loss, but not for Brian, who, as we all know, is in a much better place than we are.

To my brother Anthony and my sister-in-law LeeAnne
and my nieces Katelyn and Ashley;
My deepest heartfelt condolences are extended to you at this most difficult time. My unconditional LOVE for Brian will be eternal and he will always hold a special place in my heart. My heart cries with you
at this time. We must rest assure that Brian is now in God's hands with Daddy's love and guidance surrounding him and the day will come when we all reunite!
With deepest sympathies, much
admiration, love and respect,

Ianthe

Brian and I were distant cousins. Because we live on opposite coasts, I did not know him in person, but I do know him through the pride and love his mother and father shared with me. Just before Thanksgiving this past year I lost my younger sister, Marion. A friend sent me a prayer from "The Book of Common Prayer." I am sending it on to Brian's family and friends in the hope it might bring some of the comfort it brought to me.

O Lord, support us all the day long, until the shadows lengthen and the evening comes, and the busy world is hushed, and the fever of life is over, and our work is done. Then in Thy mercy grant us a safe lodging, and a holy rest and peace at last. Amen.

It is still a shock to me. It is now starting to sink in what a great loss we have all experienced. Around December 3rd Brian came along with a group of us to celebrate (Ismail and my birthday are on the same day, Dec. 2nd). I'm so glad to have that last memory with him. Brian touched so many people's lives. He had a real gift, he was a friend to everyone and I always looked up to him for some reason. I truly feel like I am a better person just by knowing Brian, and I hope his family knows how important we was to us. Ismail told me to not dwell on the "what ifs" but focus on the time we had with Brian (good advice). Brian will be missed and I will never forget him. My prayers are with his family.

"It is not length of life, but depth of life"
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

one word----Vampires

Summers at Goshen,
Kickin you in the balls at Goshen, and then chillin with you the rest of the week because you couldn't walk, in fact I felt so bad for you, you were able to convince me to let you take a free shot on me. ouch.
Adventurous backpacking trips and campouts,
You ripped my Robin Hood shirt,
Ridin' around in Ish's grey van,
Lifting with you, Ish, and your Dad-- almost dropping the bar on my face cuz of uncontrollable laughter due to your dad's wisecracks
Walkin to the multiplex and then dropping off the chill spot sign in Ish's front yard just for kicks,

Rebels at Woodley pool (yeah, they kicked us out for playing our PUNK music too loud. oi!)
Spending snow days with you 'n Ish,
Takin down the hoop,
Making me laugh so hard that I got a cramp in my tongue! and many other times so hard that my stomache would hurt for minutes!
dammit man you had a way with words.
Uzo-- bleh!!
LOTS of firsts.
Escaping the PO-LeEce!
Goin' to Smash in Gtown,
Down by the river,
Learning my way around,
Witnessing many hilarious arguments between you and your dad: Tony (after a huge arument as Brian and I were heading out): "Are you coming home!?" Brian (from the floor above) : "No!" (you would've had to have been there)
Being reminded of reality time and time again,
"Chromag,"
"Contraband,"
Growing up together.
That 50's gangster hat,
Rebelling against The Man, and any other authoritative figures...
"Rompter Stomper"
Chillin in your room listening to Chuck Berry, The Clash, The Animals, "hey how'd this song 'strokin' get on my computer?!" haha!
Meeting oh so many cool people
Halloween! "...lil dead are out in droves..." ;o)
Dude, why'd you become a vegetarian for a year?
Somehow sounding so alike each other that people would stop us in the middle of conversations and point it out! Same thing with some mannerisms. Hell, we'd guess what was on each others' minds half the time; I cant count how many times we said the same thing simotaneously!
Helping each other earn our Eagle Scouts. Digging that damn ditch, but having a GREAT time later that night!
You studied and partied at UVA; I came down and partied with ya. (the 50 yard line!)
Going to shows, including going w/you and Rich to see Black Sabbath w/Ozzy!!!
Dude, I bet you could philosophize with Plato, or talk politics with Tupac. I mean, you could just identify with so many different types of people on so many different levels.
THE VAN! the good 'ol Chevy Astro. Man there'll never be times like there were in that car again.
The warehouse floor!
Ben Franklin. 'nuff said.
I'd say about 18% of your good taste rubbed off on me, and I have more than most others, so...yeah.
By the way, thanks for never lying to me.
Lucky Strikes,
Showing me how to handle myself, how to handle situations, how to be cool 'n confident when problems arise, and how to stay out of trouble even when causing it.
The fight! You poked me in the eye so hard I fell on the ground! i cant beleive you did that. k, well i gave you two black eyes, and the next day you went off to the bahamas (with those two black eyes) and when you came back we made up almost immediately and neither of us ever held a grudge.
Convincing (forcing) me to throw raging parties. hope my parents dont read that one. it hasnt happened for at least 2 years, mom!
"If you wanna scream, scream with me!"
Introducing me to Guinness! my fav!
Ocean City with you and your dad, and later on with just a few friends.
Learning to appreciate such a wide variety of music, from Chuck Berry, to Zep, to 2liveCrew, to Buju Banton, and God knows what else!
Kate's dad's bar! hahaaa!
Thanks for actually having a cool girlfriend and not ditching on your homeboyz
Thanks for keeping it real; you're one of either two or three people (outside my family) who's done that 100% (and i mean 100 percent) of the time.
The voice of reason.
Apparently years ago you made a $50 bet with me, saying that I would never make a d1-a football team. well i forgot about that bet, but when I made the team you brought up the bet and told me you owed me! good thing I didnt make you pay, seeing as weeks later you let me out of a $400 debt after beating me over and over and OVER again in pool.
Talking about life. Realizing a lot of things.
Man, like one girl said on here, you really paid very little attention to what didnt truly matter, but A LOT of attention to what did matter.
Costa Rica!!! Singin Temptations songs with Enward's cousins!
Many a New Year's eve!
Man, there's so many memories, so many genuinely good memories. But hey,y'know what? At least I won't be scared or unhappy when it's time for me to go. alright Brian, watch my back, cuz you know I need it; you always knew that.

love,
Dimitri

As my first post was inadequate, I decided to revisit this page and give it another go. I met Brian at a party a week before college started. I knew that night that we would be good friends for the next four years, if not forever. I guess it was more like forever. He was one of the first people I got in touch with when I got to UVA, and he helped shape my college experience more than he could know. From drinking forties in his dorm room to going to frat parties just so that we could drink free beer and make fun of frat boys, there was never a dull moment. Moving on through the college years, we had many a late night (and a few epic games of risk). He's not someone that I talked to every day, but when we got together it was like we never missed a beat. One of my fondest and most obscure experiences with Brian was a trip to the beach which he convinced me to join at the very last minute. He's somebody I would always trust to tell me how it is with no bullshit, period. There are very few people in this world that get it, and Brian was not just someone who got it, he could teach it to you if you were willing to listen. I am infinitely thankful for all the people I met through Brian, all the things I learned, all the experiences I had, and all the memories with Brian. I picture him now chillin in the afterlife with ODB, tryin to get him to listen to E Town Concrete. I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the funeral, but I'm very glad to have seen everyone the night before. We are all connected permanently by the bond of this experience. Respect.

brian,
I miss you so much. You were the best big brother, and i appriciate all the advice you gave me and how you would always make me laugh. I know your in heaven, and that youll always be there watching over me.... no one can ever replace you, you were a great, smart, caring person and i love you.

your little sister, ashley

Incredible how many hits this place has. Shows how much he really did mean to all of us.

Keep the stories coming, I'll try and dig a few more up

brian..

i just found out through andy that you
died. my heart is broken.

you used to hang out at the house and
play poker with the rest of the guys.
you smoked reds.. and i thought that was
pretty badass.

i'm sorry we have to talk about you past tense.

my heart goes out to everyone who knew you.

Everyday I really hope it hurts less than the day before. I am deeply sorry for the loss of Brian. Seeing your family makes me wish I still had mine. I will never forget you nor this experience.


Sincerely,

From a stranger

Brian came to dodge/
seas and brooks of admonishment/
and broke down the causes of it/
without out waying the effects of it/
and spread it out and feel the weight
take the cake for lord's sake/
and break away from your ignored fate/
its too early to feel the heavens shake

these are the words that I say/
as I carry Brian's body away/
As I stare ahead my conscience would say, Brian's soul will have another day.

Rest in piece, most would say/
but Brian will be here in some other way/
Let his heart shine through yours today/
and for ever/
for he's clever/
and his endeavors show/
He's the one that knows/
his soul will for ever lift/
and his gift is for you to always give/
and understand that life means to live.

For my beloved nephew whose memories will be eternally with us.

TODAY WILL START A NEW LIFE,
AND WE'LL SAY OUR LAST GOOD-BYES
TO ALL THE FRIENDS YOU'VE LEARNED TO LOVE,
WITH WHOM YOU'VE LAUGHED AND CRIED.

REMEMBERING THE FUN AND LAUGHTER
THE PROBLEMS AND THE FEARS,
AND WATCHING ALL THE MEMORIES GROW
THROUGHOUT YOUR GROWING YEARS.

THE MEMORIES OF YOUR PAST AND ALL THE NEW
FRIENDS THAT YOU HAVE MET
SCHOOLS, VACATIONS, AND PEOPLE YOU'D JUST RATHER FORGET,
YES, ALL THOSE DAYS ARE PRECIOUS BUT SO BRIEF,
WHERE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE,
IT'S NOT THE end, BUT A NEW BEGINNING OF A LIFE WELL ANEW!
MERRY CHRISTMAS MY NEPHEW.
YOU'll BE MISSED GREATLY!

AUNT IANTHE

So I have spent the last 10 days (amazing how time flies) thinking back to all our times and trying to figure out a story from our childhood that could describe Brian.

Digging deep and back into the memory banks of my brain I found a story from when we were in 1st grade. I was barely 7, and Brian was probably 6.

Myself, and my brother were at Brian's house on nealon drive (by my house) when he convinced us to walk to his aunt's house on Marc dr. He brought little Katelyn along also.

Obviously you are thinking, ha, you live on Marc Drive Ish. But being so young a trip 2 blocks away with 2 younger siblings was like going to China.

We went on our merry way. Katelyn and Idrees were playing with some dolls, I was obiedently following Brian who was leading the way triumphantly down the street. Little did I know at this time that Brian was not to walk past the Shelly's house (the neighbor's 3 houses down)

We walked past that barrier his parents had established and continued on our journey. We finally reached a street (one street over from Neaoln) that Brian and I had never encountered.

I remember thinking this was a bad idea and telling Brian we should turn back. No way, Brian said, his aunt's house was just nearby. We walked one block towards Marc Dr, made a right at the corner and the 2nd house on the right was his aunt's house who welcomed us inside and served all of us kids milk and cookies.

While we munching on these delicious cookies a phone call came to his aunt's house. It was his mother, clearly upset, because we had not told her where we were going. This is when I realized the magnitude of our adventure. She came by picked us all up and promptly took my brother and I home (which was a measly block away)

Mrs. Christ informed me that I could not play with Brian for a week because we were not allowed to have gone that far. Brian, in the way which we would all get used to over the years, simply said "mom, whats the big deal"

I have been best friends with Katelyn since I was three years old and Brian was always around. Brian was a great guy and I will never forget him. I know he is looking down on all of us, protecting us. I will never forget him and he will always be in my thoughts and prayers. Rest in peace Brian. I love you.

First and foremost my heart goes out to Mr. and Mrs. Christ and his sisters. Having recently lost my mother I understand the pain that follows a loved one's death.

I have known Brian since sophomore year in high school through Chris Wynne and Paul Loudin and his death has changed my life. About the only thing I could think about during Brian's funeral was how many of my close friends, including myself, have made poor judgements with drugs and alcohol. It could have been anyone of us and that scares me. In the car, Chris Wynne and I were talking and he asked me "Why do you think so many of us have done drugs?" I sat there, head on my steering wheel, crying, and I could not think of an answer, but "curiousty kills the cat." Chris continued on saying "It's so not worth it..."

Brian's death seemed so surreal, something out of movie, not something that happens to one of my friends. But it has, and I can honestly say I am a little less naive about the dangerous behavior that I am ashamed to say I have partaken in.

My memories of Brian are very vivid, most from high school days, parties and the like, and a few from visiting him at UVA. He was determined, and I think we can all see that from his e-mail, he did not want this drug to ruin his life. I will miss seeing his familiar face at get togethers, and I hope that my friends take away as much as I have from his death.

This is to you Brian, Rest In Peace, you will always be on my mind and have a piece of my heart.

Love,
Vanessa

I never knew brian but I know your sister katelyn and I have met your mother, father, and sister. My thoughts and prayers are with them and with you.

I have known Tony Christ now for six years and have had extensive contact with him. I consider him to be a very close friend and confidante as we have had many conversations about spirituality, our careers, political, the direction of the US, education, work, and most importantly the priority of family. The reason we had the opportunity to become so familiar with each other is that Tony wrote a biography about the life of his father, and I helped him in the editing process over a period of nearly seven months. We would talk for hours on end as my family tree of hardship was not unlike Tony's, as I was second generation Irish with a father who grew up poor and had made something of his life through hard work and family values. Because the relationship had started out on serious subjects, it was the evolution of our friendship that led to many meaningful conversations over wine and dinner as well as countless hours after work. Often he would have to run to pick up the girls at O'Connell high school.

So in many respects, I know Tony Christ and his family history probably better than most, or for that matter better than nearly anyone else other than his immediate family. Brian Christ is the grandson of a Greek immigrant and Tony is first generation born in the United States. I knew Tony for nearly five years before I ever met Brian. To know Tony is to know Brian and vice versa, as the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as they say in genealogy. When Brian graduated from high scholl he was seriously looking at MIT, Carnegie Mellon and UVA. He chose UVA, as he had his heart and mind on engineering.

By editing a book, researching, looking at family photos dated as far back as eighty years ago with Tony's father as a poor Greek boy in the Greek Isles, is to understand the evolution of a family. It is to understand the whole family. When you edit a book you also dig for clarity and details, and over the time we worked together I saw a lot of Tony's heart. While Tony wrote the biography of a great man, I could clearly see all he did was for his family. The book Tony wrote called BREADCRUMB is probably the only book where the movie would be better than the book. Why? Bcause the story is so sensatiional and true. It is a story seldom heard anymore about the struggle to succeed in a new country and all of its hardships. Without ever meeting Brian for several years, I felt as though I knew him through the eyes of his parents and grandparents. The love the parents had for the kids is what drove them. All of the hard work, the dedication and discipline of daily life by Tony and his wife were done to give the kids a better living than they had had. The willingness and the committment to education is only one example of that dedication.

Although I had met Brian only briefly on several occasions while he was at UVA, we met at length when he became dependent on drugs. I had a burden I had never felt in my life when I saw the struggle he was going through. To see someone so bright, energetic, a zest for living, a sense of humor, the dedication to make Eagle Scout, and the wit with a twinkle in his eye was difficult to see as a parent of a son the same age as Brian. I thought, "this could be my kids just as easily. But by the grace of God, go I."

There is now little to say, other than we all must move forward. The past is past and we must live in the present. Over thirty years ago I heard something that I have always found comforting. It is, "when life is going to kick you, make sure it kicks you forward." The question after a lot of talk is, "what have we all learned and how can we make the situation around us better for whole Christ family."

Brian, may the Lord hold you tight and never let anyone forget you. My best to all and to visitors of this site. Pray for the Christ family and keep in touch with them as they will find comfort and solace in your relationship in the years to come.
Ted Flynn

I did not know Brian, his father, Tony and I have communicated a few times by email about books, our families, and the journey to America. Yet I feel an almost spiritual bond and somehow believe I knew Brian. We enjoy the benefits of living today and forget that heartbreak, despair and tragedy are part of our existence. It is only the deep love and ties of family that allow us to continue to exist with hope for the future. It is hard to believe that we are enjoying the goodness of life only because of the sacrifices of the past. It is a small consolation to believe that the lessons learned from the tragedy of loved ones could and should help future generations. Let us pray that the message of Brian's death will help others to prevail in their battle against the addiction.

I would like to quote a friend of Brian's grandfather, Archbishop of the Americas, Iakovos who wrote "Stay together and remember that if the clouds of time grow dark, you must keep faith and remain strong, for eventually those clouds will give way to the sun again."

Who was Brian?
-Brian would force you to listen to horrible punk music. There was no escape, the more you bitched about it, the louder he cranked it up.
-Brian would be on AIM all day sending you links to completely useless websites.
-Brian would convince you to do anything by saying "it's somethin' to do"
-Brian would end every sentence by "whatever" or "eh"
-Brian would draw a gigantic smiley face on the side of the subway just because the wall was yellow
-Brian would beat you in chess even though he always used the exact same moves
-Brian would challenge you to an epic battle of "Risk" at 2 in the morning
-Brian would make ridiculous purchases such as an electric foot massager, a wireless earpiece for his cell phone, hundreds of books he never read, dozens of movies he never watched, and a super computer designed exclusively to take over the world.
-Brian drank guiness just because it's what real men drink, even though he didn't like it.
-Brian never went anywhere he couldn't drive to
-Brian would spend an hour wiring the computer to the tv to the stereo to the dvd player to the surround sound speakers, just to watch a 30 second funny video under the best conditions possible.
-Brian would break the tv wiring the tv to the stereo to the surround sound speakers to the dvd player, and then decide to set it on fire in the backyard.
-Brian would listen to the "London Calling" album five times in a row
If you didn't know Brian that well, sit down, have a beer, have a cigarette, play "the guns of brixton", and that's the closest you'll ever come to being Brian.

"Do not stand at my grave and weep, for I am not there. I Am the diamond glints sparkling on the snow. I Am the sunlight on ripened grain. I Am the gentle autumn rain. I Am the swift uplifting sound you hear in the early morning, of the rush of quiet birds in flight over your head. I Am the soft stars that shine at night. Please do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there I did not die."

what do you say about a guy like Brian? we grew up in scouts together, got in trouble together and probably scared kids for life. brian introduced me to the music i love today and definitely encouraged me to set my bar higher and always try to achieve more than my lil brain could handle. even over the years of not seeing eachother he was always still such a loyal friend, always giving more than he recieved. Brian, thanks for being my boy and having such an impact on my personal expectations. we miss you dude. sleep well

I was lucky enough to have met Brian through Ismail a couple summers back. He was always smiling, cracking a joke, or shooting off a one liner that would have us laughing for minutes. I've learned a lot about Brian in these past few days. I've met his loving family and his closest friends. In times like these some might torment themselves with "what ifs" or "if onlys." Someone once told me not to cry because it was over, but to smile because it happened. Brian was a great guy and I'll never forget him.

I've had some rough times with losing loved ones in the past and there are two books that made me feel better about everything. Both books are by the same author, Mitch Albom. The first book, Tuesdays with Morrie, changed my outlook on life forever. The second book, The 5 People you Meet in Heaven, showed me that everyone on Earth has a purpose in life whether you might know it or not. If you've read this book you might wonder if Brian will be one of the 5 people you meet in Heaven. We must take Brian's life and learn from both his successes and mistakes. It is important never to forget the ones who have touched your life in whatever capacity. While Brian and I weren't as close as some of you all were with him, he still made a lasting impression on me that I will never forget. Please read the two books mentioned above if you haven't already. I'd like to close with a quote from former Senator Bob Dole that made me think of Brian's life after seeing everyone who came to his services. "When it's over, it doesn't matter who you were. It matters if you made a difference." He clearly made a difference.

Sometimes I find myself in a different time and a different place. It's not just a memory, it's like I'm actually there, right down to the way it smelled.

I remember driving to Bethany Beach with Eduardo, listening to music. Eduardo was about to play a song, but before he could play it he had to mention "this song's for Brian Christ". For the next five minutes we rocked out to "Insane in the Membrane", because that's something Brian would have done. I also went to a rock conert with Brian which involved serious preparations. Four of us fit comfortably in Brian's van where we drank forties blaring Cypress Hill before the concert. Poor Brian, who didn't even know me that well, was forced to witness a drunken fool (myself) all day long.

I've found that when I miss something so much, to the point that it brings me pain, I just close my eyes and for a few seconds I'm back in time. At any given moment I can always go back, because the memories are still crystal clear no matter how much time has passed.

Unfortunately, Virginia is no longer home. It is just a place I visit and coming back means accepting the fact that time has passed by and people have changed. Brian said that there are certain things that are interchangeable, like truth "Truthful words are not pretty, pretty words are not truthful". Well, distance is interchangeable or maybe just an illusion. You can have thousands of miles, even the distance between heaven and earth that seperates you from someone else, yet still feel very close. And you can have inches between each other, yet feel far away.

I always think about how much I miss Virginia, my family, my friends, and the fun I had my senior year before I left. I have realized that you have to keep going, because the things you miss probably changed you in a good way. Now, somehow, when I look back I'm staring at the Rocky Mountains. I'm not sure how they got there, they just magically appeared one day. Maybe I'm not even alive and everything around me is just something I created in a dream. Or maybe there are experiences, people, places, and memories that are soooo good it's hard to believe they're real.

Reading about what all of you had to say about Brian helped me to learn a lot about him, but unfortunately I didn't know him that well. I know that Brian had a lot to offer the world. He didn't just have a gift, he had many. This leaves us with a duty to keep Brian alive. When you find yourself in a situation saying "What would Brian have done?" that's a message that he is still here and we all have a little piece of Brian in us. It's the gift he left with us to keep forever.

May our deepest sympothy go out to all of the Christ family and the loved ones effected by this loss.

Wow...how unexpected this was. It is so hard knowing that many of us will not see Brian again until it is our time to pass on. But at the same time I know that it was for the Lord's purpose, or plan he had for Brian in his life, and not the plan we wanted for him. And that God works on his timetable and not on ours. It is often said through God's word that, as his children we are told, and sometimes constantly reminded throughout the world of how faith and obedience to God will bring victory, while unbelief and/or disobedience brings tradgedy. When we decide to do what we know is wrong in our lives, we plant this evil seed inside of us that, if not chosen to turn from and confess, can grow out of control and eventually yield a crop of sorrow and pain (Deuteronomy 29:9 NIV). God constantly warns us to stay away from dangerous actions in life because they can have tragic consequences. But as humans born into a life of sin, we many times choose not to obey and choose not to turn from and confess. The tradgedy that has taken place with Brian Christ should not be thought of as a threat from God, but as a loving reminder and warning about the plain facts of life. For it is said that, if we choose to serve the Lord in our lives ahead of all else, then we will discover his real positive blessings for us in life, and not be left with the curses and consequences that have taken place forever.

Brian has been a great friend and family member to all of us. He was a special person sent from God to touch all of our lives. And no other person will ever take his place in our hearts. What has taken place should remind each of us as God's children that we were bought at a price in life from his son Jesus Christ. Christ's death on the cross has freed us from sin and obligates us to serve the Lord and not ourselves or others. All our self accomplishments and acheivements, and all the posessions and/or money that we have will not go with us when we die. All that goes with us is our soul. For if we have chosen to accept Jesus as Lord and Savior in our life, and have chosen to serve God then we will not fear death, because we already know our reward (eternal life), and we will become blessed with many treasures in the kingdom of God for serving him and not ourselves in life. All of us need to pray, and continue to pray for the work of the Lord's spirit in our lives to help the healing process, and to help show us and discern the way in life that he wants us to go.

Thanks Brian for being a great friend, for helping us all out when we needed help, and most importantly leaving a special place in our hearts of you in our lives forever. We will always miss and love you, and will see you again when our time will come.

Love, Eric Koch

I didn't know Brian, but over the past 6 months or so I've gotten to know his Dad, Tony, very well. We've been working together very hard on the Loral Shareholders Committee trying to salvage something for it's shareholders, which at one time included Brian and Katelyn. Throughout the time of my work with Tony I've been utterly convinced of his love for and devotion to his family. I knew that Brian had had some emotional problems, but didn't know what they were. I knew that he was incredibly capable, intelligent and a free spirit.

As a father of three sons, 25, 22 and 20, I know how difficult it can be for young men and women in an unforgiving world to find their way. I know how difficult it can be in the midst of the glow of friendships to be told by "society" that you aren't really measuring up. But, occassionally, a young person comes along who internalizes the random and often self-serving criticisms of people in society, and begins engaging in self-destructive behaviors. I had several friends who died similarly in alcohol-impaired driving accidents when I was in High School.

I hope that Brian's friends will remember him always for his promise, intelligence and sensitivity. If the notes on this site are any indication, he already has the substantial legacy of the wide, deep and well-deserved love of his friends and family. Can there be any higher praise of a person's life?

Where to begin, lets begin by saying Brian helped me to become a human being and get my head out of my ass. He introuduced me into only a small aspect of what the "real world" goes through, Brian and I were long time friends from our boyscout troop and he would run around with the rest of the guys terrorising small scouts. Brian was not only a friend but a freakin genious. I remember the late nights roaming through G'town thinkin we were cool and sittin about the yacht club talkin about swimmin across the potomac if the po-po ever rolled up. Then walking around going to smash listening to AC/DC and Bad Brains, and yes, the infamous 32crew that I somehow became a part of. I'll never forget Brian, I don't think anyone that knew him would. What a sad world to look at, and realize one of your friends has fallen to the things of this world. This is a wake up call, read brian's journals and see his crys for help, people are here, you can cry to us for help. Rip BAC32crew

Lee Ann (Brian's Mom) & I would like to thank you all for your support of us during this most difficult of weeks. Brian told his mom a few months ago that one day he was going to tell his story. At some point during the coming year, if I am able, I want to do it for Brian and I need your help. You kids make up a large part of his life and I will need your names and numbers and your willingness to talk to me about your life with Brian. I have mentioned this to Ismil who indicated he would help. There is no rush on this. I am emotionally unable to do this at this time however I would like to start collecting information. My son deserves to have his story told. God Bless you all. - Tony C. (Brian's Dad)

Brian was not just a friend of my brothers, but he was a friend of mine. I can't remember not knowing Brian. Ever since I was born he was around. Brian was like a second older brother to me.I looked up to him and my brother very much. Brian gave me advice and he would help me with anything.
Brian would also congratulate me whenever I accomplished something. When I got my learners permit Brian was so proud of me that he let me drive his van up to the gas station from my house. When Brian, my brother, and I would go running at the track he would push me to run faster and would congratulate me when I finished. Running at the track with Brian motivated me to become a more athletic person which led to me participating in three sports every year in high school.
When I got to high school Brian always told me about parties that would be going on and he always wanted me to go to them with him and my brother. My brother always refused, but Brain would always tell my brother to let me come along. He would tell me that if your brother does not bring you to the party call me and I will come get you. Brian didn't see me as his friends little brother when I got to high school, he saw me as one of the guys. He even started introducing me as Idrees and not as my best friends little brother.
I will never forget Brian and the advice and information he gave me. He was like a second older brother to me. He was the smartest and the funniest guy I knew. If it wasn't for his influence I don't think my brother and I would be as knowledgeable as we are today.
Thank you Brian for everything.
- Idrees Madni

Driving up and down route 50 today with the procession conjured up some old memories of Brian. The first involved me handing him my car keys in his front yard with a police officer's spotlight shined on me, having been escorted home from Annandale Road in my car because apparently I had been driving on a suspended license (without my knowing) on my way to his house. So the cop watched as I smiled and gave him my keys and then drove away, under the impression that I was under Brian's validly-licensed care. So of course we hop back in my car on the way to the Rotunda to live it up the day after Christmas. And of course I'm worried about getting pulled over, with Brian quick to tell me to relax and have an f'ing mahbo light (remember Tai Mai Shu?). He also was quick to point out the "optional stop signs" that scattered his neighborhood as I negotiated his back streets. As a previous post had mentioned, he really helped me to prioritize my worries and leave the rest for the birds.

From there I think of beach week, our senior year after high school. Doomed to staying miles away from the action in Bethany beach, Brian eased our commute by letting us stick around his place whenever we wanted. Nothing like quality time on the pontoon. Can that video of the exploding crab please resurface? I also won't forget riding with him past Anthony's and watching his face light up like Leave It To Beaver as he started going off on a tangent about how he used to spend his time in Ocean City as a kid. I called him out on it and he quickly tried to switch into tough guy mode which was even funnier.

Oh that van. Nothing said I'm impervious to traffic violations because I look like I'm carting my kids to soccer practice like it. Gotta appreciate the captain seats in the 2nd row, and the death punk destructo music that would conveniently be blasting for me as I climbed aboard at 8 AM before class. And Brian's U-haul idea: how many laps around 495 would it take to kill a keg? I think it was Jeff who offered to be DD. I could be wrong. Luckily we never tried it. The world may never know...

Away messages: I'm not here so have a beer. I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation. All that Lao Tzu stuff that I still don't get. What else?

This is the guy who got me to smoke out front of the Smithsonian on the Washington Mall during a field trip. Because, "If you can't here, then where can you?" I apologize for the drug reference, but it's to prove a point. I'm a pretty high-strung individual, or at least I was. Brian taught me to appreciate my opportunities in life, and seize them for my own sake. He went way too far, way too far. But in the process he vicariously taught me crucial lessons about temperance, moderation, and self-worth. We are not supermen. Brian pulled off ridiculous amounts of success and unsustainable amounts of self-destruction until his body could take it no more. It's perhaps a curse that he was brought up so well, with a mind and spirit so virile and potent that they could pretty much conquer anything. If only the body was not a temporary vessel, we would see nature-defying and logic-stretching things out of him for years to come. But we are left with only his memory.

I was talking with Ishmail last night about posting on this site. I told him I was planning on putting something up, but would probably not be able to form a cogent contribution at the time because I already had about 6 heinekens under my belt and wasn't feeling very prolific. You know what he said to me? "Brian could." "That's your challenge." I couldn't. Damn you Brian, and damn you Ish for knowing him so well. So here I am one night later, slightly more sober trying to measure up to what Brian could have done blindfolded. I'm also a lot less naive, slightly wiser, and absolutely richer for having a person like this enter into my life. You're a true inspiration, Brian, and I fear the consequences of sounding like a sellout hallmark card when we meet again. Until then, cheers my friend.

first and foremost my prayers go out to the christ family. His loss will put an impact in our hearts. I first recall meeting him along with ish and Dimitri. I think it is best said "that the good times that make us laugh I (we) will always remember" and my dear brian our memories is what keeps you alive.

Brian-
...All these years I know I may not have shown it but you amazed me (and lots of others). I enjoyed silently watching movies with you downstairs, getting dragged to all the awkward family gatherings together and even getted car-pooled around to your karate lessons. I love ya Brian.. and look at it this way... you wont have to listen to me pounding on the piano at 2 am anymore :)... I'm sure you can tune me out in heaven... but
"... i'll keep singin a song for a heart so big, that God wouldn't let it in... may angels lead you in."
watch over mom and dad... and hey... look down sometime when i'm lookin up :).

love katelyn

My older brother was friends with Brian since first grade so basically I've known Brian my whole conscious life. When we were all younger, he would always pick on me because I was always trying to hang out with them and I can verify that he was a black belt. My brother and Brian went to school together from 1st grade all the way through high school. This included CYO basketball games, huge pickup football games at the church, summers at the pool, carpooling,and many other things. As college came, I saw Brian less and less but he still popped up every once in a while, either at a party, poker game, or somewhere else. The last time I saw him was this summer at poker game and I took all of his money (payback for all of the previous beatings on me as a kid). As he left, I never imagined that it would be the last time I'd see him because I figured he'd pop up like always and it still feels like that. I can count on one hand the times I've seen my older brother cry : his 2 severe injuries and the deaths of my 2 grandfathers. Now I'd have to add at least another hand for as many times as I've seen him since Brian's death. R.I.P. Brian.

i love you corey clark

I've been best friends with ashley since we were babies (literally) and i knew brian since i could talk.. he was a great guy and although he enjoyed tormenting me by pretending to be wolfie whenever i spent the night there, he was the smartest person i knew and he was a great older brother. You'll always be in my thoughts brian and i'll never forget you.

I love you Brian.

(But you know that. No more of this electronic medium shit.)

I again want to thank everyone who came out today to Brian's funeral, and especially those that came to the reception afterwards.

Its been amazing how many people Brian touched and how much people cared about him. And the response of so many people and the kind words said about him have been incredible.

Let your stories and memories come to this site and lets keep his memory alive so our grandkids know who Brian Christ was

I went through grade school and high school with Brian, but it really wasn't till college that I was able to get to know Brian a little better. Even though my heart sank when he didn't return my die hard crush in 7th grade, I knew there was something special about this guy. Brian had so much potential, and I think that's what really breaks my heart about this. As everyone has said, he was the smartest guy they knew and he was headed places. I wish I knew Brian better, but from what I did know of him, he had a good heart and he was a good person. It's too bad this happened, but we can all take something from it.

Rest in peace, I'll be praying for you Brian.

Alissa

I hung out with Brian on occasion. I didn't know him very well but I always thought highly of him. I sort of figured there would always be time to get to know him better.

Here is what little I learned about him. Brian was a realist. He budgeted his worries well. Brian cared alot about what mattered and very little about what didn't. I thought this was admirable and I have always tried to live my life like this.

Having seen how it has affected his family, his friends, and my brother has changed my life.

When it is my time to go, I doubt there will be so many people there to honor my memory. Brian was very loved.

I think we should set up an online charity through this site. What do you think Andy? Any one else have any thoughts?

I recently saw the movie Cast Away. When I heard about Brian, that movie popped into my head. I know some of you have lost hope. I know many of you are confused at the injustice of this event. Just remember that no matter how much despair you are in, that you have to keep trucking. You never know what the tide is going to bring tomorrow.

I'll see you in Valhalla

rest in peace, God look for your mind

It is indeed times like this where you realize how precious and how important life is. I am so glad to have seen so many people tonight and recieved so many calls and so much support and love from so many people.

Over the next few days, weeks, months and years I plan on putting up an anecdote or 2 from the past 17 years.

It was an amazing ride, and he was a real special one of a kind guy.

Thank you all for your support, it truly has been amazing.

My thoughts are with his family and friends.

here's a link to a post i wrote about brian on a 12-step group that he was involved with on livejournal.

brian was a great friend I will miss the brother.

i just found some of brian's posts on livejournal here and here.

Ismail and Andy, thanks for making this website.

Brian one one of the first friends I made at O'Connell. Coming out of a public school and into a private school was hard, but Brian and I got along right off. I can remember freshman year going to Pentagon City to play lazer tag with brian(yeah, we were dorks). Every time I've driven through Ocean City and I see Anthony's Liquors I think of Brian. He was the kid who would insult the band you love, only to turn around and ask you if you want to go to their show next week. He was opinionated, and I loved him for it, you would get pissed at him cuz you loved something he hated, but then he would invite you out for a show that you would love. I remember him always calling me up on winters breaks to show up to some house party in Falls Church, always trying to get people to show up. I remember finding out that he was dating one of the hot girls from our high school and being jealous of him. I also remember sitting in Calc class with him making fun of the teacher throughout it, or having to wake each other up at the end of class. He was always a good friend to me, as well as a lot of other people at O'Connell who you wouldnt expect to be friends with, but he was nice to them, and saw the good side of them. As a few people reading this know, I'm in California now, broke as hell, so I'm not going to be able to make it home for the service, but realize that Brian is in my thoughts, as well as the rest of you in this time. It's hard for me out here, away from anyone who really knows me or knew how me and Brian were together, but I'm glad I have this page to post this up there, and that I've been able to talk to a few DJO heads in the past few days who have put up with me and my ranting. Thanks again Andy.

Brian, you are, and will always be, in my thoughts. Goodbye good friend, be well up there.

C.J. Cross

It was great to see a lot of faces I haven't run into for a while. I hope we can all try to gain something positive from this experience. Good quote, Andy. Peace.

for those of you that don't know, the funeral service will be held tuesday, december 21, 2004, at st. katherine's greek orthodox church in arlington, va at 11:00 am. please come out and pay your respects.

Thank you for all those that came to Brian's wake tonight

"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."

Good bye Brian. You were one of a kind.